Seeking joy – Between Secrecy and Silence in a white Afrikaner Home

Abstract

This mapping practice reveals how biomythography, theoretical enquiry and making can reveal a complex narrative of Afrikaner whiteness and its relationship to silence and secrecy. Themes of secrets and silences indicate the discomfort of witnessing discrimination and by virtue of speaking out, facing rejection and alienation along with those you defended. The image of the unhappy queer child speaking out at the dinner table against the “in group” is employed as visual metaphor. Self-portraiture finds expression in self-writing, performance and transgressive acts representing the tools acquired in my search for a self-affirming identity. My practice is an intentional repetition symbolising therapeutic disclosures; often repeated through voicing in order to work through trauma. A confessional divulges itself, both hidden yet exposed. A haunting insidiousness manifesting as what is not disclosed relates to concealment, protecting family secrets and the silencing repercussions of truth seeking and fearless speech. Opening up a conversation, this writing does not desire to suggest answers about changing whiteness as bad habit. Rather, I bring what is lurking in the background of white actions to the family table for an open disclosure. I am the source of the family’s dis-ease as I reveal a difficult, painful and uncomfortable conversation in which we must face our whiteness. In this explorative manner I keep open the force of this critical engagement and invite participation in this reparative work. I examine how we are stuck in the bad habit of whiteness as a study of self. Through this self-determined act, may I find joy.