?We can sit  in our corners mute forever while our sisters and our selves are wasted, 
while our children are distorted and destroyed, while our earth is poisoned; we can sit in 
our corners mute as bottles, and we will still be no less afraid.?1 
WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY? THREE STORIES OF INDIAN2 WOMEN LOVING 
WOMEN IN JOZI3
  
 INTRODUCTION
 The  apartheid  regime enforced  their  segregationist  politics  with  spatial  policies  such  as  the 
Group Areas Act of 1950. Indians, Coloureds and Blacks were moved out of demarcated White 
areas, and confined to their group?s ?ethnic? enclave, which inevitably meant an inferior township 
a distance away from the city centre and White suburbs. People were classified according to 
their  phenotype  and  placed  in  their  demarcated  township  (Ebr.-Vally,  2001).  Areas  such  as 
Lenasia, Roshnee, or Laudium in the Transvaal, Chatsworth or Phoenix in Natal and Rylands in 
the Cape, were established for the Indian population. Spatial movement and social mobility were 
not the only restrictions placed on South Africans; sexuality and interracial interaction were also 
restricted under the Immorality Act of 1957, which criminalized cross racial sexual relationships, 
1 Audre Lorde, 1980, Sister Outsider, p42
 2
 2
  South Africans who can trace some aspect of their heritage to the continent of India , the Indian diaspora.  Indian 
identity in this instance is viewed as a social identity constructed by the apartheid regime but reworked by the people  
in their daily lived realities and in their performance of ?being Indian. 
3
 3
  Popular name for the city. 
1
along with prostitution and a variety of other sexual acts that were deemed deviant by the state. 
By  the  late  1980s,  the  apartheid  state  was  not  particularly  interested  in  punishing  acts  of 
immorality and the law was finally declared unlawful under the current political dispensation. 
The democratic Constitution of South Africa ensures freedom of movement or the right to sexual 
freedom (The Constitution of RSA, 1994). Such political gains unfortunately do hide social bias 
for despite a progressive and value neutral Constitution, sexual freedom remains a struggle. For 
example, women who choose to love other women or anyone who chooses to live outside of the 
heterosexual  paradigm might  experience  hostility  from a  host  of  sources:  their  family,  their 
neighbours, religious groups and all in society who view same sex relations as wrong or even 
evil. A gap exists between viewing sexuality as a political right as expressed in the Constitution 
and transforming that acquired right  into a social  reality  for many.  Same sex is  no longer a 
criminal offence but this does not mean that anti-homosexual feelings have dissipated in society. 
This study will examine such issues by focusing on Indian women who love women (WLW)4 and 
their experiences of space and sexuality.  How did they express their same desire during the 
Apartheid era and is it any different today? 
Living in a former Indian area5, Lenasia, the quasi-absence of WLW in the public sphere is 
conspicuous. It is apparent that people with same sex desires do exist in the townships, as a 
lesbian I am proof of that fact. Yet, the public image created is that same sex desire is not an 
Indian ?thing?. Where do Indian gays and lesbians go? How do they fulfil their same sex desires? 
How do they deal with the pressures of marriage and other heteronormative requirements?   My 
4
 4
  Some women might not embrace the title of lesbian or homosexual but they are women who love women. The term 
is intended to be more inclusive to include the varied political and personal expressions of sexuality. By using the term 
women who love women I give the space to my informants to name or un-name themselves as they see fit. My 
intention is to view sexuality on a continuum rather an a defined static mode of being. 
5
 5
  While I use the word former to signify that the Group Areas Act is no longer in effect and people enjoy social 
mobility, these spaces are still predominately Indian with a handful of Black people moving into the area. The same 
can be said of Black and Coloured townships. 
2
study is thus concerned with the experiences and positions of Indian WLW who have lived in 
Indian areas. In essence this study asks one main question:
 How do Indian WLW negotiate ?invisibility?  and ?silence? and under what circumstances do 
they ?make? and live their lives? 
Aim and Rationale
 The aim of this research is to document the life stories of three Indian women loving women 
living  in  the  city  of  Johannesburg  or  Jozi6.   The  intention of  this  thesis  to  is  ?uncover?  and 
understand the societal forces at play that render WLW and their relationships ?mute? in such 
spaces. The Indian community in particular seems to endorse heteronormative ideals in the form 
of marriage, and surveillance of women?s bodies (Sharma, 2006).  This study will explore the 
spaces that women are expected to occupy and the repercussions of resisting ?social controls? 
systemic of the varied patriarchies7 and heteronormativity that exist.  
There are a number of reasons why this study is important:
 Research on Indian WLW in South Africa has not been well documented8 . Issues relating to WLW 
and  all  other  alternative  interpretations  to  the  heterosexual  model  are  viewed  as  marginal 
6
 6
  Popular name for the city, implying urban savvy. Brands such as Jozi FM Radio Station and the JoziMental clothing 
line show that Jozi is popular as a term of reference to the city of Johannesburg.  
7
 7
  For more on notions of varied patriarchies rather than one overarching patriarchy see Gayle S. Rubin, ? Thinking Sex: 
Notes for a Radical Theory of the Politics of Sexuality? in The Lesbian and Gay Studies Reader. 1993, 
8
 8
  According to the Gay and Lesbian Archives (GALA) in Johannesburg, which is regarded as the most comprehensive 
gay and lesbian archives in the country, this is an area where the Archives needs data.
 3
concerns. Current discussions on women?s sexuality tend to focus on reproductive rights and 
HIV/AIDS, operating on the assumption that the ?woman? as a standard category of analysis is 
heterosexual  (Blackwood and Wieringa,  1999).  Within  feminist  circles  lesbian issues  are  still 
considered fringe concerns  if  accepted at  all.  Often the inclusion of  lesbian issues onto the 
agenda is viewed as a ?Western imposition? and within African feminist circles the issue is hotly 
contested  (Jolly,  2000).  This  investigation  will  provide  some  information  on  the  varied 
?(homo)sexualities?9 lived  out  in  and  around  the  city,  as  well  as  contribute  to  existing 
documentation in this domain. 
Sexuality and particularly same-sexuality is viewed as a middle-class concern.  Sexuality 
supposedly is not an issue ?the masses? have to deal with, as they have more pressing economic 
concerns. To draw a distinction between economics and sexuality is short-sighted, as usually it is 
economically  marginalised,  WLW,  who  are  on  the  ?frontline?  in  the  battle  against 
homophobia10.As  noted  by  Bhaskaran  (2006:113),  ?socio-economic  class  is  used  to  dismiss 
political interrogations of normative sexuality and gender? yet it is these normative institutions 
related to sexuality and gender ?that structure and displace the economic and political wellbeing 
and lives of WLW? (Bhaskaran, 2004:113). This study thus challenges myopic perspectives on 
sexuality. 
Usually the life story approach is saved for the iconic alpha male figurehead such as 
heads of state, business entrepreneurs and sports stars (Carole Boyce Davies: 1992). Women and 
their stories have been neglected. The feminist approach views the personal as political, through 
this  lens,  every  woman?s  story  is  important,  as  it  talks  to  the shared  (albeit  not  the  same) 
9
 9
  I have used quotation marks as not everyone who is involved in same-sex relations sees themselves as homosexual. 
10
 1
  Zanele Muholi, The Rose Has Thorns visual exhibition. For a textual discussions see FEW newsletter For a textual  
discussions see FEW newsletter 3 Feb. ? June 2006. 
4
political experience of being a ?woman?. This approach gives depth to the complex mosaic that is 
life, and illustrates the many ways of being and exploring ones sexuality. 
 In this study I speak to Indian women who love women. I asked them about the first time 
they experienced romantic feelings for other women. When (if) and how did they ?come out?11 to 
those around them? And how do they identify or name their own sexualities? 
CHAPTER ONE: 
LITERATURE REVIEW
 In the following chapter I am going to discuss the theoretical constructs (discursive frameworks) 
that informed this work and set the context for my study. First I discuss how Apartheid marked 
the people and the landscape. Then I discuss gay history in South Africa.  I look at how a highly 
segregated and stratified gay community emerged, dominated by White men who strategically 
disassociated  themselves  from  transformative  undercurrents  and  revolutionary  action 
happening around them.  Post 1994 activists were able to secure freedom of sexual expression 
as  a  right  in  the  Constitution of  South  Africa.  However  societal  attitudes  towards  gays  and 
lesbians remain hostile especially in Black in townships, where to date the bulk of violent ?hate? 
crimes are committed against WLW12.   I  discuss the identity category of Indian, as related to 
space,  gender,  sexual  and  social  obligations.  I  talk  about  the  uses  of  silence  as  that  is  an 
important theme in stories of homosexuality. And finally I qualify my usage of the term women 
who love women (WLW) by situating the term in the discourse of naming sexuality.  
APARTHEID ? THE RACIALISATION OF THE LANDSCAPE AND ITS PEOPLE
 11
 1
  The process of declaring your homosexuality to yourself and those around you. 
12 On 7 July 2007, two lesbians, Sizakele Sigasa and Salome Masooa were brutalized and killed in Soweto. They were 
followed home from a known lesbian and gay friendly bar raped and murdered, the perpetrators seem to be known to 
the community but to date no arrests have been made. This case is one of many hate-crimes experienced by black 
women in townships across the country as a result of their sexuality. 
5
In an attempt to protect the racial purity of the White nation during the Apartheid era,  the 
Prohibition  of  Mixed  Marriages  Act  (1949)  and  the  Immorality  Amendment  Act  (1950), 
criminalized sexual relationships across ?race? lines, along with prostitution and a variety of other 
sexual acts deemed deviant (Terreblanche, 2002).   Fear of the Black majority meant that any 
perceived threat stemming from unrestrained and uncontained sexualities was enough for the 
state  to  embark  on  repressive  measures  restricting  the  freedom  of  expression  for  both 
heterosexuals and homosexuals.13 
The Population Registration Act (1950) classified the South African people into one of 
four ?race? categories; White, Indian, Coloured and Black ? in that order of racial hierarchy. The 
Black category was then further sub-divided down into ethnic groups. Individuals were classified 
and grouped according  to  their  ?apparent phenotype and through a wide array  of  religious, 
linguistic and cultural criteria ? clothing and social habits? (Ebr.-Vally, 2001:52). By classifying the 
population into ?groups? the state was able to segregate South Africans across racial lines thus 
ensuring  White  supremacy.  The  Group  Areas  Act  relocated  thousands  of  Black,  Indian  and 
Coloured families placing them into ethnic  enclaves.  Whites benefited from the new spatial 
arrangement  of  the  country  enjoying  usage  of  a  disproportionate  amount  of  prime  land 
(Terreblanche: 2002). Indians in Johannesburg were moved from town and surrounding areas to 
Lenasia and other demarcated Indian areas in the then Transvaal, like Laudium in Pretoria or 
Zinniaville  in  Rustenburg.  As  noted by  Ebr.-Vally  (2001:51)  ?The Group Areas Act  locked and 
bolted society in such a tangible and objective manner that communication between individuals 
from the different groups became almost impossible.? Space became racialised.  
13
 1
  It is important to note that from the onset the discourse of sexuality is tied to that of race in South Africa, due to 
the dominance of the race discourse in the political landscape of South Africa 
6
GAY (HIS)TORY14 IN SOUTH AFRICA 
The  popular  belief  about  homosexuality  on  the  continent  is  that  it  is  ?unnatural?  and  ?un-
 African?15 (Epprecht, 1998). Although same-sex relationships have always been a part of African 
societies16,  there has been a tendency to view such relationships through a Eurocentric and 
heteronormative lens (Blackwood and Wieringa, 1999). If homosexuality was discussed in Black 
African communities it was seen as a White plague, or an indicator of economic and therefore 
social  bankruptcy  of  the  Black  man/community  by  an  oppressive  Apartheid  regime 
(Harries,1990) (Moodie,1994) (Junod,1962).  
 A French missionary by the name of, Henri Junod (1962)17 documented male same-sex 
relations, which he termed the ?un Civilised Vice?, in the mine compounds on the Witwatersrand. 
Junod (1962) attributed the erosion of the tribal African heterosexual way of life, to the harsh 
living conditions found in  the mine compounds.  Marxist  writers such as Moodie (1994) and 
Harries (1982) attributed ?caceral? accounts of homosexual behaviour amongst African men to 
14
 1
  I have used selective brackets to signify the skewed account of LGBTQI history in South Africa, which 
tends to see the ?past? through the eyes of the white gay male 
15 For more on this notion of homosexuality as a White export see the works of missionaries such as Henri Junod, The 
Life of a South African Tribe (1962), he dedicates a section in the appendix to the ?uncivilised vice? that was perverting 
the native on the mine compounds. He attributed this deviant behaviour to White encroachment on the Native way of 
Life. In modern times many political on the continent leaders have adopted this stance of viewing homosexuality as 
?un-African? most notably Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe. In fact South Africa is the only country on the continent and 
one of the few in the world where gay people can marry. For more on the situation of lesbians and  gays on the 
continent of African visit http://www.mask.org.za/ 
16 While  many  societies  exhibit  forms  of  ?homosexual  behaviour?  (as  defined  by  our  culture)  not  every  society 
attaches  sexual  behaviour  to  sexual  identity.  As  noted  by  Michel  Foucault  one  of  the  seminal  writers  on  the 
relationships between power and sexuality, found that in Western society the sexual category of the ?homosexual? was 
created in the 19th century.  For examples of homosexuality in South Africa see  Defiant Desire  Eds. Gevisser, M. & 
Cameron, E.,  1994.  As well  as  ed Stephen O. Murray & Will  Roscoe  Boy-Wives and Female Husbands:  Studies of  
African Homosexualities, 1998
 17 Junod .H, ?APPENDIX III. Unnatural Vice in the Johannesburg Compounds 1916.?The Life of a South African Tribe?, 
Volume 1,1962. 
7
poor  living  conditions  indicative  of  the  racist  capitalist  society  and  forced  wage  labour 
situation18. These accounts demonstrate the heteronormative and culturally biased lens adopted 
by many researchers, which ignores historical context, where  African sexualities are viewed as 
homogenous,  devoid  of  diversity  dynamism and  colourful  expression.   It  is  this  rhetoric  of 
understanding same-sex desires as a ?White thing? which has made it difficult for lesbians and 
gays of colour to declare their sexuality openly and proudly. 
Government reports from the 1960?s talk about ?instances of homosexuality? as ?isolated 
experiences? afflicting only White men19. Black homosexuals did not concern the state because it 
meant that White women were safe from the ?virile? and ?potent? sexuality of Black men (Ratele, 
2006). In 1966 a police raid on a house in Forest Town Johannesburg publicised the fact that ?gay 
parties were alive and well in the Republic of South Africa? (Gevisser, 1994:37), which prompted 
the government to formulate a task-team whose purpose was to assess the degree of damage 
homosexuality had unleashed onto the unsuspecting nation. The threat of the state?s repressive 
policies  on  homosexuality,  prompted  gay  men to  form the  gay  rights  movement  called  the 
Homosexual  Law Reform Fund (GALA Archives).  This  movement  was required to  present  an 
argument  to  the  Commission  on  behalf  of  homosexuals  in  support  of  their  ?lifestyle?.  The 
Movement remained careful not to align themselves with Black anti-Apartheid movements. As 
noted by Gevisser, 
18
 1
  See Harries .P,  ?Kinship, ideology and the nature of pre-colonial labour migration: labour migration from the 
Delagoa Bay hinterland to South Africa, up to 1895?, in  Industrialisation and Social Change in South Africa: African  
class  formation,  culture  and  consciousness  1870-1930, eds.  Shula  Marks  &  Richard  Rathbone,  142-160  1982, 
Longman: NY and Moodie .D .T,  Going for Gold: Men, Mines and Migration, 1994, Witwatersrand University Press: 
Johannesburg 
19 See Gevisser, M., ?A different fight for freedom: A history of South African lesbian and gay organisation from the 
1950?s to 1990s?, p37. in Defiant Desire, Eds. Gevisser, M. & Cameron, E, 1994, Braamfontein: Raven Press as well as 
Bell .D & Valentine .G, Mapping Desire: geographies of sexualities, 1995, Routledge: London
 8
In response to the threat of criminalisation, some gay South Africans ? urban, White and middle-class ? had 
organised themselves for the first time, not surprisingly very much the way gay Americans had in the 1950s: 
quietly  and professionally,  attempting to protect  themselves by  carving a  niche within apartheid South 
Africa while not disrupting the status quo. (1994: 35)
 This non-alignment with the broader plight of Black South Africans made it difficult for Black 
gays to ?come out? and align themselves with the gay movement.  According historical archives 
there wasn?t much gay activity in the townships until the late 70?s early 80?s. This is indicative of 
the bias towards white male stories in the LGBTQI archives. This memory loss has begun to be 
addressed by varied projects aimed at collecting stories from Black townships in South Africa20. 
In addition, people were not mobilising politically around sexuality at the time, instead social 
and  political  upheaval  in  the  country  meant  that  people  were  challenging  the  system  of 
Apartheid,  it  was  a  time of  resistance.  Black  gay  struggle  activists  such as  Simon Nkoli  and 
Beverly Ditsie mobilised themselves, and in 1984 the Saturday Group was formed representing 
homosexuals from the township (Gevisser,  1994).   Before this  initiative homosexuality in the 
Black community had received little or no attention. 
This absence of issues of sexuality and homosexuality from the liberation discourse was 
seen to be politically motivated. The primary focus of the liberation movement was the fight 
against Apartheid and not against heteronormativity (Nkoli in Gevisser, 1994). Therefore Black 
activists were faced with the dilemma of prioritising one identity over another21 for the ?greater 
good of the people?. As noted by Kleinbooi in Gevisser 1994, many gay activists placed their 
political obligations before their sexuality given the context of Apartheid South Africa. By viewing 
20
 2
  For more see the GALA archives particularly the work done by Zanele Muholi, Busi Kheswa, Mary Louw and Zethu 
Matebeni
 21 For more see Hein Kleinbooi ?Identity Crossfire: On being a Black ay student activist? and Simon Nkoli ?Coming 
out as a Black gay activist in South Africa? both in Defiant Desire, Eds. Gevisser, M. & Cameron, E, 1994,
 9
homosexuality as a phenomenon foreign to Black culture(s), issues of heteronormativity and 
skewed  gender  relations  within  the  liberation  movement  and  society  in  general  could  be 
skirted22. 
The three amendments made to the clause moved the ?gay community? indoors into the 
safe spaces of clubs and bars in the city. The effects of the amendments were such that a highly 
stratified ?gay community? emerged in South Africa, dominated by White middle class men as 
spaces in city (and therefore gay spaces as well) were reserved for ?Whites only?. The gay club 
scene was rapidly expanding in downtown Johannesburg Hillbrow and Braamfontein but Black 
men and women were legally prohibited from entering these clubs (Gevisser, 1994).  There was 
little interaction across the colour lines and when Blacks tried to gain access to White gay clubs 
the environment was very hostile. Blacks, who were socialising in the townships, claimed space 
in straight venues such as pool halls and shebeens (Interview with Anthony Manion)23.  
According to Gevisser ?lesbians were ignored by the law and media but experienced 
pressure to keep their sexual orientation closeted?24.  Black lesbians would mix with gay men at 
venues such as the Skyline bar in Hillbrow, but there was never any exclusively ?lesbian? space25. 
Historically, locally and international it is always gay men who are more ?visible? in the public 
sphere. This is due to the fact that men are able to own and claim public space whereas women 
are constantly relegated to the private sphere (Abu-Lughod, 1993)26. 
22
 2
  Black  homosexual  activists  have  grappled  with  the  issue  of  the  ?hierarchies  of  oppression?  and  the 
acknowledgement  of  the  body  being  the  site  of  convergence  and  divergence  of  multiple  identities.  See  Essex 
Hemphill. bell hooks. Cornell West.
 23 Interview with Archivist from the Gay and Lesbian Archives (GALA). Gays frequented ?Ma Thoko?s? in Kwa-Tema, 
Mhlangu Rocks and 39 Legoda Street in Soweto
 24 Gevisser, M., ?A different fight for freedom: A history of South African lesbian and gay organisation from the 1950?s 
to 1990s?, p35. in Defiant Desire, Eds. Gevisser, M. & Cameron, E, 1994. p6. 
25 Mary Louw?s work looking to address these gaps in historical knowledge. 
26 Abu-Lughod, L. 1993. Writing Women?s Worlds: Bedouin Stories. LA: University of California Press.  
10
The Constitution: Legal Progress and Social Unfreedom
 The presence of Black activists like Simon Nkoli  and Beverly Ditsie did much to publicise the 
political agenda of homosexual people in South Africa. They viewed true liberation to be a multi 
pronged process challenging the serfdom imposed not just in the political arena. For them there 
could be no liberation without sexual liberation, the two issues were inextricably linked, to the 
broader emancipation of the soul. 
Because the contestation was coming from within their own ranks, the African National Congress 
(ANC) soon adopted a stance of ?tolerance? towards those involved in same-sex relationships27. 
Along with democracy, came sexual freedom. The South African Constitution, Act 108 of 1996, 
declares it illegal to ?discriminate directly or indirectly against anyone? because of their sexual 
orientation28. Gays and lesbians enjoy a greater visibility in the public sphere, more than ever 
before as a result of the new political dispensation29.  
While legally, those involved in same-sex relationships are protected as a minority group, 
the lived reality of many involved in same-sex relationships is far from this utopia. Black WLW in 
27
 2
  For more on gays and law in South Africa as well  the particular stances adopted by each political party when the 
issue  of  freedom of  sexual  orientation  was  presented  see  Edwin  Cameron ??Unhapprehended  Felons?  Gays  and 
lesbians and the law in South Africa in in Defiant Desire, Eds. Gevisser, M. & Cameron, E, 1994
 28 The Constitution of the Republic of South Africa, 1996. Act 108 of 1996. As adopted on 8 May 1996 amended on 11 
October 1966 y the Constitutional Assembly. 
29 Television programmes and sitcoms like Isidingo and Zero Tolerance have characters that are homosexual. But to 
date the most realistic representation of lesbians on TV has been on the drama Society. The show which aired on 
Thursday evenings at 9pm on SABC 1(in four parts) followed the trials and tribulations of four twenty-something up 
and coming Black women in Jozi. Although some erotic scenes were edited from the show because it  was deemed 
?too much for viewers? by the head of the drama genre at the SABC, it was on this show that Black lesbians were 
shown for the first time as sexual beings and beings in their entirety ? removed from victimology 
11
the townships seem to be most affected by the homophobia that exists in our society, and are 
often subject to many forms of abuse in the townships30. 
Using a rights based approach, gays and lesbians have turned a taboo into a political 
gain. The most recent being the Civil Unions Bill, which allows for same sex marriages is a case in 
point. However this gain is marred by the reality that to date it has only been middle-class gays 
and lesbians who have been able to evoke the Constitution, as most gays and lesbians who are 
not part of the middle class remain disadvantaged. They do not have the means to pursue their 
rights and are therefore marginalised by the middle-class legal system31. Thus we can argue that 
?freedom? is enjoyed by a few who have the means to actualise their rights as citizens. 
The stark reality is that much ground still needs to be covered in creating access for all to our 
legal institutions. Furthermore the existing heteronormative and skewed gender relations in our 
society make it difficult for people with same sex desires to live a life of their own making openly 
without declaration.  Sexuality, as Gayle Rubin argues, is believed to be a private issue32, thus 
30
 3
  Muholi, Zanele, 2003, The Rose Has Thorns. Zanele Muholi?s powerful piece documents the stories of Black lesbian 
women who have been, raped, murdered, abducted, beaten and verbally abused in the townships of Johannesburg. In 
most  instances  the  women  were  butch  and  raped  to  ?cure?  them  of  their  lesbianism.  This  shows  how  our 
understanding of sexuality is tied to fixed gender roles and that homosexuality is viewed as an abomination in the 
township. Work done by Black lesbians has done much to shed light on the Black lesbian experience however what I 
find particularly alarming is the prevalence of mediated story telling via some expert in the field of academia. Stories 
are appropriated for forwarding academic careers rather than sharing experiences, connecting to human beings, and 
generating new and radical bodies of knowledge. Lives lived are broken down into palatable themes for the academy 
which is a very small audience indeed.  Tommy Boys, Lesbian Men and Ancestoral Wives, by Ruth Morgan and Saskia 
Wierenga, is in my opinion one of those cases where the creative production is far removed from the context of the 
stories.  In  addition  if  it  was  not  for  the  fieldworkers  who  were  in  some  instances  insiders,  the  authors  would 
themselves have been denied access into the lives. I think that ?experts? should facilitate the process if needs be but 
not own it and claim a writing credit. 
31 All of the cases relating to issues of sexual rights for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, queer and intersex 
(LGBTQI)  communities,  have  been   brought  to  the  Constitutional  Court   by  White  middle  class  South  Africans. 
According to clerks at the Constitutional Court it is very expensive to present your case in Constitutional Court and 
increasingly difficult if you are not English speaking. 
32 Gayle S. Rubin, ? Thinking Sex: Notes for a Radical Theory of the Politics of Sexuality? in  The Lesbian and Gay  
Studies Reader.  1993. NY: Routledge. For a South African account see Posel, D. 2004, ??Getting the Nation Talking 
about Sex?: Reflections on the Politics of Sexuality and ?Nation-Building? in Post-Apartheid South Africa. Draft. 
12
making it  difficult  for LGBTQI  organisations to  mobilise  support  around sexual  activism.  It  is 
evident that the gay community is split. 
Having  discussed the historical  trajectory  of  the LGBTQI  movement in the country it 
becomes  apparent  that  the  community  is  split  along  racial,  spatial,  gender  and  class  lines. 
Although it was and still is Black gays and lesbians who fought for political equality, the LGBTQI 
community appears to be dominated by middle class White male interests. Black women in the 
townships bear the brunt of homophobic violent attacks, and to date most gay friendly spaces 
are situated closer to town away from the townships. Even ?safe spaces?33 cease to be safe in the 
township setting34. Therefore given the clear and present threat faced by WLW in the townships 
it is understandable that many would chose35 to remain silent about their sexual preferences, at 
least until one is able to leave home and the township space as it becomes apparent that it is 
safer and easier to be gay in town than in it is in the townships. In this instance we are privy to 
the complexities in notions such as choice when it is clear that the options are few, choice in this 
instance becomes more about survival than freedom to be as one chooses. Given that there is 
little cohesion and coherence of message or adequate support networks available within the 
lesbian and gay community, identification with the broader LGBTQI movement by Indian WLW 
(who are less visible) is uncommon. While the Constitution protects the right to freedom of 
sexual expression access to sexual rights and varied sexual perspectives in South Africa is limited. 
33
 3
  Spaces where gay people can meet free from outside i.e. heterosexual scrutiny or harassment. 
34 Recently lesbians were murdered by men who followed the couple from a lesbian owned and LGBTQI friendly bar 
in Soweto. 
35 Although I use the word chose, I do so with an awareness of the complexities of personal agency and notions of 
choice. 
13
The section that follows discusses aspects of  Indian identity  exploring how issues of 
sexuality and cultural (or ?racial?) identities intersect under the new political dispensation, and 
how this influences our socio-spatial arrangements. 
INDIAN IDENTITY IN SOUTH AFRICA
 Social Relations Organised Along Racial Categories
 South Africa has a history of viewing race as the common denominator and the main point of 
classification, from the colonial encounter to Apartheid, when this classification was legislated 
(Terreblanche: 2002). As mentioned earlier Acts such as the Population Registration Act, and the 
Immorality  Amendment Act  No.  21  of  1950 organised social  relations along racial  lines,  the 
Apartheid  government  institutionalised  race  relations  and  existing  divisions  on  the  basis  of 
differentiation  (Terreblanche,  2002).  As  noted  by  Ebr.-Vally  (2001:52)  the  state  limited  the 
expression  of  identity,  stripping  individuals  of  the  right  to  define  themselves.  The  Black 
Consciousness  Movement  (BCM)  led  by  the  likes  of  Steve  Biko  and  Mamphela  Ramphele 
challenged this  forced differentiation and called on Black36 South Africans to unite and fight 
against Apartheid. To present a united front differences were ignored, but this did not mean that 
the power relations present in society (for example skewed gender relations) were not present 
in the movement37. 
Culturally Loaded Space
 36
 3
  In the BCM Black encompassed Indian, Coloured and Black Africans. BCM called for the liberation of the Black mind 
from its inherent inferiority complex. BCM encouraged all people to free themselves from mental slavery. 
37 Mamphela Ramphele, 1995, A Life, Cape Town: David Phillip Publishers. Jameela too had experienced this within 
the ANC. 
14
This division based on race is also a pervasive cultural marker on the landscape of the country. 
Legislation such as the Group Areas Act  created ethnic  enclaves, by explicitly  linking race to 
space. This notion of ?race? groups as a homogenous collective ignored the social differentiation 
amongst  the  people  who  comprise  the  category,  propelling  one  possible  point  of  identity 
affiliation above all others. For example spaces such as Lenasia (the Indian township I originate 
from), were demarcated ?Indian areas? in the Transvaal. 
Space is more than just a ?passive locus of social relations? (Lefebvre, 2001:31). People 
give meaning and vibrancy to space and the space gives meaning to people. While the history of 
these township  spaces is  in  essence tied to violence (forced removals)  people were able to 
cultivate  communal  values.  Away  from  the  variance  and  cosmopolitanism  of  the  city,  the 
township space is seen to be one of ?consistency and community? (Khunou, 2004:500).  I  can 
directly relate to this notion because the same can be said of Lenasia, the Indian township I am 
from. In Lenasia I am not a stranger, I am familiar due to my familial ties, my roots.   I would not 
be anonymous in the public spaces of Lenasia. The members of my community know who my 
father is and who my grandfather was, they would be able to locate me almost immediately, 
depending on their age group. Even though I no longer live in the space, when I return to Lenasia 
the space itself exerts a social pull and I behave accordingly. For instance even though my family 
are aware of  the fact  that  I  smoke,  I  would not  do so publically  or  in  front of  my parents. 
Belonging to a community means that certain expectations, roles and responsibilities are thrust 
onto members of the community. The space is able to exert a real social force on its inhabitants, 
pulling them into accordance with prevailing social mores.
 According to Terreblanche (2002), the architecture and ideology of the township space 
resulted in privacy being a luxury for its inhabitants. This means that if you blatantly transgress 
15
social mores the news will eventually reach your family and you would be answerable for your 
actions. As a child you are warned that you must behave appropriately else people will  talk. 
People are expected to police themselves out of fear of being socially ostracised by the very 
community from which they gain their self definition. This concern of ?what will people say?? 
functions as a social control mechanism as it surreptitiously prevents people from transgressing 
accepted social norms particularly sexual ones.
  South African Indian Identity 
Race is  not naturalised category, race is about cultural formations (Erasmus, 2001).  In South 
Africa these cultural formations were ?born of appropriation, dispossession and translation in the 
colonial encounter? (Erasmus, 2001:16).  Indian is not just a label imposed on a group of people 
by Whites, or White dominated political institutions.  People as social actors have themselves 
worked and reworked these identities in their daily lived realities (Erasmus, 2001:16). There are 
a few notions which are particularly important to the conception and performance of ?Indianess? 
in the following section I shall discuss some of them. 
The Indian community in South Africa can trace its roots to the sub-continent of India when the 
area was a British colony. The vast majority came as indentured labourers to work on the sugar 
cane plantations in Natal in the mid 19th and early 20th centuries (F. Meer, 1999). Later they were 
joined by passenger Indians, called such because they were able to pay their way (ship fare) to 
South Africa (Y.S Meer, 1980). Indians were viewed as foreigners, and attempts were made to 
repatriate the group, even though by 1927, almost all of the Indian population was South Africa 
16
born  (Ramamurthi,  1999:  vi).  Eventually  the  state  accepted  their  presence  and allowed the 
South African Indian population to stay on their native soil.  
Religion  and linguistic  origins  are  dominant  dimensions  of  Indian identity  (Ebr.-Vally, 
2001).  This  does not mean that they are able to speak any of  the languages from India,  as 
generally Indians are English-speaking, this cultural locator points to the region of India their 
ancestors would have come from. The descendants of the indentured labourers are from the 
south of India and therefore belong predominantly to the Tamil and Telegu speaking community. 
The descendents of the passenger Indians are from the north of India, and speak Gujerati, Hindi, 
Urdu and other dialects. As noted by Fatima Meer (1999:103) ?inwardly family ties and religion 
keep  them  firmly  together.?  Indians  are  constructed  as  being  extremely  cultured  beings 
(Bhaskaran,  2002).  Notions  such  as  honour  and  respectability  as  well  as  practices  such  as 
marriage are all important to the conception and performance of Indian identity. 
Walking around the Fire: Marriage as a rites of passage. 
?Marriage is  by  far  the  most  important  occasion  in  an Indian  family,  regardless  of  its  faith. 
Marriage  represents  the  union  of  two  families  and  two  fraternities.  It  also  celebrates  the 
couple?s  entry  into  adulthood  and  accompanying  responsibilities.?  (Ebr.-Vally,  2001:146). 
Marriage  is  not  just  an  act  for  yourself;  your  marriage  is  attributed  social  status  and  is  a 
reflection on your family. You gain socially by marrying ?well?. ?Well? in this instance means to 
marry  into  a  financially  successful  and  socially  respectable  family,  preferably  of  the  same 
religious denomination.
  Sex outside of  marriage is  frowned on.  The heterosexual  marriage union is  the only 
sanctioned space for you to explore your sexuality. This form of sexuality is seen as productive 
17
because it is tied to reproduction (Rubin, 1984).  Sexuality in this instance is tied to particular 
gender roles and responsibilities as dictated by culture. The woman body by virtue of the uterus 
is expected to bear children, she is expected to maintain the home and look after the children. 
The husband is  expected to leave the home, find work and bring home a pay check.  These 
?natural? roles are social constructs. These gender limits have the result of inhibiting the free 
sexual  expression  of  women  and  men  in  the  community.  The  expression  of  your  personal 
sexuality is loaded because it is tied social transgression or acceptance, i.e. your sexuality can 
determine whether you are a ?good girl? or a ?bad girl?. 
Good Girls and Bad Girls: Women?s Sexualities
 Heterosexuality  is  assumed:  therefore  socialisation  across  the  gender  lines  is  discouraged. 
Parents are protective of their girl children, and boys are represented as predators after one 
thing.   Girls  are  expected to  remain  untouched,  unsoiled,  and virginal  till  marriage.  Female 
sexuality  is  constructed  as  passive,  receptive  to  masculine  sexuality,  denying  women sexual 
agency (Bhaskaran, 2002).  
 The gender role of woman or girl is important to Indian identity and the collective memory of 
?Indianess?. Women and girls carry the honour of the family name ? they do this by remaining 
?respectable? which means they do not run the streets with boys/men. Premarital sex let alone 
pregnancy, is highly frowned upon and families are expected to become guardians by controlling 
the  unchaperoned  movements  of  unmarried  young  women.  The  following  popular  dictum 
among Indians illustrates this well: There are two kinds of girls,  good girls and bad girls.  Good 
Indian girls stay at home chaste, learning their domestic duties, and studying for school. Bad girls 
18
roam the streets with the boys. Men and boys are expected to have an active sexuality while 
women and girls are expected to be chaste and spurn the advances of the opposite sex. 
The outside is seen to be the domain of men and, women found there compromise their 
right  to  protection and freedom.  The rationale  is  that  a  woman found outside  is  no longer 
believed to be ?decent? and ?pure? instead she is now corrupted by the ways of the street, unless 
she presents herself in a way that is consistent with the ?decent? and ?modest? woman model i.e. 
a socially sanctioned femininity.  As a young girl you are presented with two options: shame or 
respectability38. Gender roles in the Indian community are clearly defined. Women are expected 
to be domesticated and occupy the home space, the private arena is her domain. Men occupy 
the outside space, where they participate in the public arena as full  citizens39.  Although the 
private space is  constructed as a  safe space many women experience abuse in  their  homes 
(POWA website). The various cultural patriarchies that interplay in society are threatened by the 
agency of women, therefore women bodies are controlled via violence to keep them in check. 
Gender based violence is about power relationships, indicative of the inferiority complex present 
in the perpetrator rooted in the skewed relations that exist between men and women.  
What Will People Say? Honour and Respectability 
Honour  and  respectability  are  important  to  notions  of  self  worth  and  status  in  the  Indian 
community (Bhaskaran, 2002). The respectability and honour of the family name is tied to the 
actions  of  the  family  members.  The  family  is  then  answerable  to  the  broader  community 
38
 3
  See Coloured By History Shaped By Place: New Perspectives on Coloured Identities in Cape Town ? edited by Zimitri 
Erasmus, 2001, for discussions in the Coloured community.
 39 It is important to note that the category ?men?, as women, is not a homogenous one. Men do not experience 
citizenship the same
 19
(Sharma,  2006)  (Abu-Lughod,  1993).  People  wish  to  accrue  social  capital  by  behaving  in 
accordance with social precepts. This notion of personal patrol/censorship in accordance with 
normative social behaviour is encompassed by the frequently evoked adage: What will people 
say?  The  fear  of  people  gossiping  about  your  social  and  particularly  sexual  indiscretions  is 
enough to keep you in check. Rather than be exposed for ?wrong doing? and deviance people opt 
for discretion and in the case of WLW silence seems to be the most self (pre)serving option.  The 
community is seen to be your primary source of support therefore by behaving in a manner 
which is deemed ?un-Indian?,  can result in your alienation by the broader Indian community. 
Given the importance placed on marriage in the Indian community, Indian WLW face the real 
fear  of  alienation  by  their  families  and  extended  community  as  a  result  of  their  sexual 
preferences.  
Silence And Secrecy 
Growing up you are warned that you must behave in accordance with social mores else people 
will talk; what will people say if they find out/if your transgression is exposed?  Worrying about 
what  people will  say  is  not indicative  of  sexual  transgression alone,  but rather  this  concern 
applies to all forms of ?social deviance? ? when you step out of line the morality of an entire 
20
community is there to set you straight. The family name, honour and respectability is important 
in this context.  The notion of honour applies preservation of the family name and respectability 
is important in this context. 
Rather than be exposed as a deviant (which could bring disrepute and shame to the 
family), those who operate against accepted societal/sexual behaviour do so outside of public 
view. Given the climate many Indian WLW choose to be silent about their love affairs. They use 
silence to protect themselves from public scrutiny and penetration into their lives. Yet it can be 
this very silence which renders their form of living and loving ?invisible?  as their ?not saying? 
maintains the status quo. African homosexuality has been ?suppressed through isolation and 
conspiracy(-ies)  of  silence  (Pitani  quoted  by  Machera,  2004:157).  Many  Indian  WLW  are 
protectively silent about their sexualities because of the taboo that is associated with same-sex 
desires.  Your sexuality is not just  a private affair  it  is  a matter that concerns the family and 
community as a whole. Keeping up appearances and maintaining one?s social status is of the 
utmost importance. 
Recently I went to a book launch entitled Undoing the Silence, the author, Louise Dunlap 
had this to say about silence: ?Silencing isn?t just personal, though it can feel that way. When so 
many are affected, there?s something going on across the board.? She spoke about Paulo Freire?s 
seminal work, The Pedagogy of the Oppressed and his notion of the ?culture of silence?, whereby 
the oppressed takes on the thinking of the oppressor and becomes afraid to speak their own 
truth40 (Dunlap, 2007:15). This stuck with me as it spoke to my experience as an Indian WLW, 
and as  a  writer.  It  is  difficult  even dangerous  to  speak your truth  when what  you say  runs 
contradictory to the norm, which is why some people do not speak, even when they have things 
to say. 
40
 4
  Louise was reading from her book and engaging in discussions. Dunlap, L, 2007, Undoing the Silence: Six Tools for  
Social Change Writing. New Village Press: Oakland, p15. 
21
It is important to note that not all silences are restrictive. In some instances silence can serve to 
protect,  for  example  being  silent  gives  one  time  to  regroup  before  action.  Silence  can  be 
powerful but only if it is chosen.  According to Srivastava (2003:2) ?different sites of secrecy can 
tell  us  something  about  the  relationships  of  material  and  cultural  power  that  need  to  be 
addressed in our projects of social change.?
 The Politics of Sexuality and Name Calling- The Term WLW
 Sexuality  is  a  political  phenomenon;  this  means  our  understanding  of  that  which  we  call 
sexuality is fashioned in part by existing and shifting power relations. There exists a hierarchy of 
sexual behaviours, which shows us that sexuality is tied to social status, and is relational (Rubin, 
1984).  Theorists  have  demonstrated  how sexual  behaviour  has  come to  be  associated  with 
sexual identity in the Western the world (Foucault, 1976) (Rubin, 1984) (Weeks, 1989) In fact the 
category of homosexual is a recent development (Foucault, 1976). Therefore engaging in same-
 sex  relations  does  not  necessitate  identification  with  a  homosexual  identity.  As  noted  by 
Rothblum (2000:194) ?When a woman says that she is a ?lesbian? we may take for granted that 
this identity includes homogeneity of sexual behaviour, sexual fantasies and participation in a 
lesbian community? (Rothblum, 2000:194). 41  In actual fact a fair number of women who engage 
in  same-sex  behaviour  do  not  necessarily  associate  their  sexuality  with  a  sexual  identity 
(Blumberg & Soal, 1997). From these instances it becomes apparent that sexuality is about the 
meaning attached to the actions, not just the behaviour. 
41
 4
  Rothblum, E ,D., ?Sexual Orientation  and Sex in Women?s Lives?, in Journal of Social Issues, vol.56, no.2, 2000, 
p194. 
22
The  term  lesbian  is  associated  with  a  particular  political  stance  on  gender  and  sexuality 
(Blackwood  &  Wieringa,  1999).   As  noted  in  a  publication  by  the  Pretoria  based  LGBTQI 
organisation OUT: 
Lesbian women?s identity is formed not by passive socialisation and adherence to cultural norms, 
but  by  a  process  of  active  engagement  with  identity  formation  through  narrative  and  life 
choices.42
 By  using  the  term  women  who  love  women  (WLW)  I  wanted  to  avoid  dichotomous 
understandings of sexuality that fix you as ?straight? or ?lesbian? and to acknowledge that sexual 
behaviours and sexual identities are not collapsible into one (Weeks, 1991). By using the term 
WLW I  would  include  those  women  who  are  open  about  their  erotic  relations  with  other 
women, yet who might not voluntarily affiliate their sexual behaviour to a sexual identity. This 
term WLW is a category for social analysis rather than a term used daily by women involved in 
sexual relationships with other women. In many instances this perpetual urge of the academy to 
?name and self-define?  doesn?t  seem to resonate with the majority of  the people (Kolawole, 
2004:252). However if we name the situations/realities that people experience we move them 
from the periphery to the centre, which signifies the changing conditions in cultures.  
CHAPTER THREE
  METHODOLOGY
 42
 4
  ?Experiences and Dimensions of Power: Discussions with Lesbian Women? an OUT publication.  
23
In  this  chapter  I  will  present  the  methodologies  used  in  collecting  data.  In  discussing  the 
research and methodological issues during the research, I will also address my methodology of 
selecting my informants. 
The Importance of Experience and the Storytelling Imperative
 Adopting the perspective embraced by feminist and reflexive anthropological research methods, 
there  was  no  ?objective  scientist?  that  could  claim  total  detachment  from their  study  here 
(Kirtsoglou: 2004).  The feminist researcher like the anthropologists ?despite all advice to leave 
their person and their world behind- do take the very same with them to the field. In fact their 
world is them, and like everybody else they too need their world to filter the information they 
receive or collect.  A major difference between the researcher and the informant is  that the 
researcher is acutely aware of this dynamic. 
Subject position can never be just a one line declaration of race, gender and class. As 
noted by Holland and Ramazanoglu ?If  we locate the researcher as an actor in the research 
process, we open the way to recognition of the power relations within which the researcher is 
located?  (1994:125).  Each  researcher  brings  their  own expectations  and  assumptions  to  the 
research process. To be reflexive, means that I had to be aware of my position in relation to that 
of my informants. As a middle class, Indian, lesbian I had my own ideas of what it means to be 
?Indian? or a ?lesbian?. 
 Feminist modes of research view the personal as political (Lorde, 1982) .This mode of thinking 
validates  women?s  personal  experiences  as  a  worthy  knowledge base.  By  validated personal 
experiences, we challenge precedents that salute authoritative masculinities, to the exclusion of 
women  and  their  stories  (Holland  and  Ramazanoglu,  1994)  (Lorde,  1982).  I  was  privileging 
24
personal experience as evidence for this study, as a result I decided on the life-history approach. 
I  felt  that  this  approach  would  be  best  suited  to  achieve  my  objective  of  reflecting  life?s 
multiplicities.  Not  only would the stories  have depth and a personal  feel,  but this  approach 
acknowledges that life, often over flows analytical categories. The life history approach subverts 
notions of homogeneity by focusing on the individual particularity (Abu-Lughod, 1991:12). By 
listening  to  the  women  and  getting  detailed  accounts  of  their  lives  as  they  re-laid  past 
experiences,  I  got  to  know  who  they  are.  By  placing  these  lives  within  the  socio-political, 
cultural, and historical context we get a sense of the freedoms and limitations of these freedoms 
experienced by each individual.  
 Rather  than erase  myself  from my work I  related my personal  experiences  to their 
stories. Given the inequalities that exist in the production of knowledge and storytelling, it is 
important  that  we tell  our  own stories,  before  they  get  told  to  us.  As  noted by  Mamphela 
Ramphele writing your own story is an urgent project:
 Storytelling is a historical imperative. We cannot successfully navigate unchartered waters without some 
script to guide us. This is particularly so for women, especially Black women. Women have to find a script, a 
narrative to live by, because all  other scripts are likely to depict them in roles that fit the conventional 
stereotypes. Storytelling is also an urgent project for Black women in post Apartheid South Africa where so 
much forgetfulness is willed upon people.43 
To  avoid  misrepresentation  we  should  tell  stories  that  represent  the  diversity  of  women?s 
experiences. The representation of these varied experiences and particularly sexual experiences, 
challenge the normative race, gender, and cultural roles that exist to silence WLW in our society, 
The lived experiences of WLW are varied depending on their particular context. Therefore if we 
43
 4
  Mamphela Ramphele, 1995, A Life, Cape Town: David Phillip Publishers.  
25
ascribe to Bhattacharyya?s assertion that sexuality is but ?one nodal point in a network, rather 
than a discrete object of scrutiny? (2002:21) then it becomes imperative to situate the discussion 
of sexuality within its particular socio-political,  economic and historical context.  Although my 
choice  of  informants is  Indian women this  discussion resonates  with any woman living  in a 
society  dominated  by  heterosexual  and  gendered  notions  of  love  and  family,  looking  for 
alternative modes of being. 
The struggle for personal and sexual autonomy is a battle fought by many women the 
world over, especially women who choose outside of preordained sexual and gender roles.  As 
noted by Holland and Ramazanoglu (1994:127)  ?the different possible ways of knowing what 
gender is  like,  link  theory,  experience and our openness to  hearing and conceptualizing the 
diversity of voices of different women?. This reading can be extended to include sexuality, viewed 
in this light stories of Indian WLW are far from marginal. Instead we start to interrogate the 
forces rendering these voices insignificant and marginal. 
Recruitment Strategies 
Finding the Women
 For my study I knew that I wanted to speak to Indian women who were not secretive about their 
sexuality, because I wanted to know how they were able to resist normative gender and sexual 
roles,  publically.  There  are  many  women  who  engage  in  same-sex  relationships  but  they 
continue to maintain a heterosexual  social  identity.  I  wanted stories that actively  challenged 
heteronormative ideals, I was looking for women who chose to live a different life. I didn?t want 
26
women who were living their desires in the ?closet?44 . I also surmised that those who were open 
about their sexualities would be more likely to share their stories with me, than women who 
chose to be silent about their sexual relationships with women. I thought that there would be no 
concern about their stories ?leaking? and them being outed. On the contrary I faced a cul-de-sac, 
as  many  women  who  lived  their  same-sex  desires  publicly  chose  to  do  so  outside  of  the 
community. 
Finding women of Indian origin, with same sex desires, and who were prepared to share 
their life experiences with me, was more difficult than I imagined. The fact that I am an Indian 
WLW was not always an advantage. When I did locate WLW in Lenasia often they were reluctant 
to go on the record, this was due to my familial ties with the area. This led me to spread my net 
outside of Lenasia in the search for Indian WLW. 
 I was interested in finding out how they were able to transcend what was expected of 
them, and how those around them related to their evident ?difference?. Because of the nature of 
the research it took me a long time to find informants. I spent two years in the field, to find the 
relevant people, interview them, and collect the data.  I started speaking to friends, family and 
colleagues explaining what my research was about. I asked them if they knew of any out Indian 
WLW who might be willing to participate in the research. 
Following those conversations friends started responding to my requests to find Indian 
WLW.  The fist response was from Mimi, a fellow anthropologist at WITS, who said that she had a 
cousin Priya, from Lenz45, who was living an openly ?lesbian life? i.e. not hiding her sexuality. 
Mimi informed me that their family was unhappy with how Priya lived. Priya was not discrete 
about  her  relationships,  and  everyone  in  her  street  knew  about  her  sexual  preference  for 
44
 4
  The closet is queer theory is about being secretive and hiding or denying your homosexuality to yourself and/or to 
those around you. 
45 Lenz is the word used by the local inhabitants to describe the place Lenasia. 
27
women.  Mimi thought that it would be a good idea to link me with Priya for my research. I was 
eager to meet Priya.  From what I had heard, she sounded like a fiercely independent character, 
and a possible candidate for my study. Unfortunately the meeting never materialised.  After 
conferring with her mother, Mimi decided against introducing us. Mimi stated that given Priya?s 
ill temper it would be unwise to pry into her life.  Mimi, and more so her mother, did not want 
the family?s ?dirty laundry? out there in print. Even though Priya?s sexual preference is public 
knowledge, to have her life documented, discussed, and defined, cements a social transgression 
that the family would rather remain silent about. Priya was an unsuccessful attempt and I thus 
continued searching for other participants drawing on various social networks. As noted earlier 
my familial ties to the area and the taboo surrounding same sex relationships amongst women in 
the Indian community, made it difficult to find interviewees from Lenasia, therefore I decided to 
widen the spatial scope and look for Indian WLW all around Johannesburg.
 My networks took me to the Gay and Lesbian Archives (GALA) at Wits.  I knew that GALA 
had been documenting and collecting stories of gay and lesbian people and from their fairly 
extensive  network  (with  other  organisations)  I  thought  I  would  be  able  to  source  possible 
informants through them.  I sourced assistance from a friend, Busi Kheswa, who works at the 
Gay and Lesbian Archives and has been collecting stories of black lesbians in the city.  Through 
her network I was able to make contact with Fikile Vilakazi who was then working at the Equality 
Project.46  Fikile?s lover Vaneshree, is an out Indian WLW. In my meeting with Fikile, she was 
happy to put me into contact with Vaneshree, as Vaneshree always felt that she was the only 
Indian lesbian.  When I contacted Vaneshree, she immediately agreed to be part of the research. 
My  next  informant,  Jameela,  I  met  through  my  sister?s  friend  Bellim.   Bellim?s  girlfriend  is 
46
 4
  A lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, queer and intersex (LGBTQI) rights based organisation with a long history of 
advocacy situated in Yeoville, Johannesburg. 
28
Jameela?s sister.  When I told Bellim about my research he said that he would ask his friend, 
Jameela, if she wouldn?t mind participating in this study.  When I contacted Jameela, she was 
quite enthusiastic and happy to participate in the research. Preeti, my last informant, I heard 
about through mutual friends.  When I contacted her, she too was keen to be part of the study.
 My fieldwork area was not clearly demarcated. I did not have a place I could go to find 
Indian WLW. In Jozi there is no consistent and regular lesbian space. Most of the social spaces 
that operate daily in the city tend to be targeting the White gay male audience. There is a limited 
social space for lesbians that I could access such as the monthly ?Playground? party at Capitol in 
Rosebank, a northern suburb of the city. This space caters for an upmarket crowd and tends to 
be predominantly White.  Other spaces that are more mixed demographically include pre-pride 
parties at Horror Caf? in Newtown, gay friendly pubs such as the lesbian owned Brizz in Orlando 
West,  the  older  White  House in  Meadowlands  and  the  recently  launched  Academy  Pub in 
Diepkloof.  However, while these spaces exist, they are laden with homophobic attacks such as 
the one leading to the death of two lesbians in July 2007.  While these spaces exist, I was also 
mindful of the fact that there are many WLW who are not interested in the club/pub scene 
(particularly older women) and would rather socialise at each others? houses.  
In selecting my informants, I was looking for Indian women who had lived in an Indian 
township at some point in their lives. This was not too difficult because I have ties to Indian 
areas but also because anyone over the age of 35 (and some younger) would have at some point 
in their  lives in an Indian township. I  was interested in exploring the link between race and 
space, particularly under Apartheid and how this affected(s) being an Indian WLW47. I was also 
interested in the factors that led to them leaving this space and choosing to outside of their 
areas.  
47
 4
  See chapter two.
 29
Going About My Business: Data Collection Processes  
For this study, I used different techniques including open-ended unstructured interviews as well 
as participant  observation.   I  spent  prolonged periods with the informants:  visiting them at 
home, at work (where permitted), and in other spaces they visit.  Many times I socialised with 
them and their friends and met their family members.  By using this approach, I wanted to get a 
sense of their lives and engage with the informants in various aspects of their lives. Weekends 
were the most productive as there was more time to have an interview.  Only one informant had 
more time during the week due to the nature of her work.  
This  particular  approach,  which  incorporates  notions  such  as  shadowing,  is  called 
participant-observation.  I  will  be  using  this  approach  to  collect  data  for  this  research.  The 
advantage of this method lies in the way it allows one to establish long-term relationships based 
on  trust  with  the  women  concerned  (Spradley,  1980).  By  following  the  informant  in  their 
environment, seeing them in their daily routine, I would be able to situate the person within 
their larger social network. In this way, I could also acquire further insight into how the network 
can provide opportunity to express one?s sexual preferences. This method would allow me to see 
how an individual is able to create different networks of support often based on needs that 
surface in a person?s life (Kohn, 1994). The network can thus become a measure of protection 
and support. In the case of same sex relations a network could facilitate meeting of lovers where 
being gay or lesbian is regarded as a taboo. 
While  interviews  privilege  the  spoken  word,  participation  observation  in  terms  of 
fieldwork incorporates knowledge beyond the spoken word, the knowledge of everyday life as 
experienced by the body. By participating in the day-to-day activities of my informants I was able 
30
to ?embrace the common place of everyday life? (Kohn, 1994). This puts ?flesh? on the skeletal 
descriptions of the past, as the ?seemingly banal? (Kohn, 1994) reveals much about the past and 
present of the informant.
 Getting to Know Me ? The Interview Process
 All interviews were tape-recorded.  Each interview lasted a minimum of two hours.  I asked my 
informants questions around how they created the space to be open about their sexualities, 
some biographical information and the context of their lives. I wanted to know who they are and 
what has gone on in their lives to date. I asked them to reflect on their sexual experiences with 
another girl. I wanted to know if the ever spoke to their loved ones about their sexuality and if 
they did how did they do so. I felt that initial sexual and intimate experiences and experiences of 
coming out (where applicable) framed how they viewed themselves and their sexualities.  
The interviews took place in various spaces such as the workplace (where possible), at 
home or any other place where the informant felt comfortable. Sometimes, their lovers and 
friends would be around and would participate in the interviews. I enjoyed those moments as it  
facilitated the free flow of information. I was learning about them from people close to them. 
Further it also created an immediate check and balance where friends and partners could either 
add  to  or  contest  the  bit  of  information  of  that  moment.  The  interview  process  was  a 
conversation and therefore it is important to bear in mind that this is one account of the process 
and not the ?final account of reality? (Holland and Ramazanoglu, 1994:18).
 Deconstruction Of the Self 
31
The interview process afforded me a brief but intimate insight into their lives. In a separate and 
somewhat distant process I transcribed, coded and interpreted the texts. In these moments I 
analysed the texts to extract  the themes that presented themselves with frequency, which I 
further scrutinised to see what internal logic would emerge. Such a breakdown of information 
would allow me to integrate the data with the theoretical framework, and also see how such 
data  may  present  a  challenge  to  existing  frameworks  (Huberman,  1988)  (Fetterman,  1998) 
(Belgrave and Smith, 2002) In addition to this, discourse analysis may also suggest which themes 
should be given more exposure. For what may sound like a free conversation encompassing a 
myriad of themes may just allow us to move away from any preconceived ideas of how women 
who love women should behave.
 As a researcher there were many ways in which I could interpret transcripts. ?Coming to 
conclusions? as Holland and Ramazanoglu, (1994:126) argue, ?is not just a process of following 
rules of method to the end point of a research project, but a very active and complex process of  
social construction? but also asking about conditions of validity and in what terms knowledge 
should be accepted?48 I  mulled over the ?themes? and issues that ?emerged? (or rather were 
invoked) from these three stories. I was representing a reality which was not my own yet, I was 
the main architect. 
Reflections and Experiences on Fieldwork
 The Mutual Curiosity in the Interview Process 
48
 4
  Janet Holland and Caroline Ramazanoglu, 1994 ?Coming to Conclusions: Power and Interpretation in Researching 
Young Women?s Sexuality?. P126
 32
It is important for the researcher to find suitable informants. In my case I set up a meeting to 
interview them. How would they respond to research? Would they withhold information? Would 
they be willing to participate? Do they have stories to tell? I found that I was able to use mutual 
curiosity to my advantage, as I was interested in them, they too were interested in me. They 
wanted to know who I was and what I was about. Was I someone they would want to talk with 
about their same-sex sexuality? Why I am I interested in this particular topic?  These were some 
of the questions I was asked directly or indirectly. In the time spent (and still  spending) with 
Jameela, Preeti and Vaneshree my understanding of my personal sexuality has been unpacked, 
challenged and is continually being reworked.  They wanted to know if they could trust me or if I 
was a voyeur. In our initial meetings we sized each other up. They wanted to know if  I  was 
serious about my research and I was. 
In  some  instances  I  was  interviewer  and  in  others  I  was  the  interviewed.  This  was 
especially true in the early days of my relationships with each individual.  In our first encounters I 
was tested or sussed out by each person, in their particular way. ?By treating interviews as social 
events, we are able to see them as a learning process for both the researcher and the informant.? 
(Holland & Ramazanoglu, 1994:127)      
The Research Topic 
The story of Priya and Mimi mentioned earlier bears testimony to the sensitive nature of doing 
research  on  people?s  sexualities,  particularly  same-sexuality.  Due  to  heteronormative  and 
patriarchal conceptions of gender and sexuality, women who love women (WLW) publicly are 
likely to encounter hostility and violence in a society that seeks to control women?s sexualities. 
In our society people are threatened by women who are sexual agents (by this I mean women 
33
who feel entitled to and who claim their own sexual pleasure and sexuality).  It is against this 
backdrop of what I call ?sexual-agent-phobia? that I focus on the lives of publicly visible WLW. I 
wanted to know how women who are socialised into occupying private spaces (e.g. household) 
were able to come out49 and claim personal autonomy in public spaces. 
The Use of Networks: Recruiting Informants
 Given the pressure that exists in society and especially in the Indian community to marry and 
procreate50 I  was  interested  in  the  personal  processes  that  led  to  each  woman  publicly 
expressing their sexual identity. I looked for those social actors who were able to act as agents in 
their lives and change its course from the preordained path. This study does not view culture as 
being fixed and timeless, instead culture is viewed as a dynamic force, and these stories reveal 
how insider social actors rework and reframe norms such as heterosexual marriage and expected 
gender roles51.
 From the experience of searching for Indian WLW to be a part of this study I learnt to discard 
assumptions. The people whom I thought would be hostile towards my research topic were to 
my surprise helpful in finding respondents.  Although I was introduced to Preeti, Vaneshree and 
Jameela purely for the sake of research, friendships soon developed. This is because we were 
talking  to  and  about  similar  (albeit  not  the 
same) experiences. We were women and lesbians together, we were people relating - but I was 
49
 4
  By this I mean that these women left their home space and community and came to a public space, as well as 
coming out of the closet and claiming one?s sexuality
 50
 5
  See Bhaskaran, S. 2004. Made In India: Decolonizations, Queer Sexualities, Trans/national Projects
 51 See Amartya Sen, Identity and Violence: The illusion of Destiny, 2006  and Amin Maalouf, On Identity, 2000 
34
also a researcher52. I would not have met them if it was not for my research. I asked them how 
they felt about me taking these moments that we share and turning it into a thesis. The common 
response was that they were not too perturbed by the interview process, adding that they did 
not always want to be ?under the microscope? as Jameela called it. As noted by Vaneshree and 
Fikile ?sometimes we must just be people together?. 
 I  was  allowed  access  into  their  lives  because  I  was  considered  ?one  of  them?  in 
anthropological  terms  I  was  an ?insider?.  As  noted by  Kirtsoglou  this  insider  knowledge can 
?facilitate  the  establishment  of  higher  levels  of  trust  between  researcher  and  social  actors? 
(2004:13). Having mutual friends, being Indian and lesbian all seemed to work in my favour. Each 
person expressed interest in meeting me out of curiosity. They wanted to know who was asking 
these questions. Or they were doing their friend a favour. Because of our mutual friends none of 
the women greeted me with suspicion. According to Vaneshree she wanted to see who this 
?other lesbian? was because she thought she was the only one.  I had to straddle being with them 
as a friend, relaxing opening myself  to them, while  simultaneously having boundaries up as 
researcher. 
The Writing Process
 Writing this thesis has taken me a very a long time because listening to my informant?s stories 
allowed me to  reflect  and  think  about  my  story  and  my  life.   There  was  a  strong  level  of 
identification between myself and my informants. I was forced to think about my own sexuality 
in a manner which I had not done before.  I was also concerned about the academic stigma 
52
 5
  For more on the experience of researching a group that you yourself are affiliated see Kirtsoglou, E. 2004, For the  
Love of Women: Gender, Identity and Same-Sex Relations in a Greek Provincial Town
 35
associated with writing on same-sexuality (Blackwood and Wieringa, 1999). There is a legacy of 
viewing research on sexuality and particularly same-sexuality as not serious.  
The process of writing is always a difficult one: I was writing the lives of people who 
could tell  their own stories. By naming them and their desires I had fixed their identities for 
social  analysis.  A  detailed  story  of  each  woman and  their  life?s  experiences  deals  with  the 
tendency to speak of one experience as the universal experience. Even if naming is a contentious 
issue I believe that is important to documents stories to challenge false notions such as ?there 
are no Indian lesbians?53.
 CHAPTER FOUR
  LIFESTORIES
 In the following section I will  introduce the women and retell  their stories.  The excerpts are 
verbatim accounts of the transcripts. I have altered the texts slightly to enable ease of read by 
53
 5
  I conducted a few impromptu discussions with about 10 people in my neighbourhood. I asked them if they knew 
and lesbians or women who were romantically/erotically involved with other women. The common response was that 
there are no lesbians in Lenasia and by extension there are no Indian lesbians. 
36
removing repetition and words used for style rather than content. The extracts were selected 
according to the themes analysed and interpreted in chapter five. I decided to use the historical 
present as a way of telling the story in an attempt to convey the emotions at the time, so that 
one is able to get a sense of what each woman was going through at the time while they relived,  
retold and reconstructed past experiences. I shall give a brief account of each woman?s context, 
followed by their stories. 
Biographical Data
 Preeti is in her late 30?s. She was born into a rich Gujerati, Hindu family in Durban, Kwa-Zulu 
Natal. Preeti?s father had two wives, Radha and Rukmini. Preeti?s volatile relationship with her 
father has impacted and informed her life?s decisions. Her father was extremely abusive to both 
his  wives and children. Currently  Preeti  lives with her lover Ula in Parkwood, Johannesburg. 
Interviews were done predominantly in her place of work, and we were able to do so because 
she is a dentist with her own private practice in Braamfontein. 
Jameela is a successful lawyer in her forties. She lives in Sandton, an upmarket area in 
the northern suburbs of Johannesburg. Originally from Marabastad in Pretoria, she is the fifth of 
seven children.  She grew up in a conservative Muslim home, but she does not practice any 
religion,  although  she  does  consider  herself  spiritual.  Jameela  is  currently  involved  with 
Margriet, a psychologist. Margriet has two children from a previous marriage who live with her 
in her northern suburb home. Margriet was married for a long time before she came to the 
realisation that she was gay. I  conducted interviews with both Margriet and Jameela at their 
homes respectively. 
37
Vaneshree is in her thirties and lives with her lover Fikile on the East Rand. Vaneshree 
grew up in Natal, where she was adopted by a financially well-off Tamil speaking family. They 
followed the Hindu faith and were particularly attentive to traditions and culture. She is the only 
adopted child of her parents. She and Fikile got married recently as the Same-Sex Marriages Act 
now allows same-sex couples to marry. Vaneshree is a nurse who loves her job. She and Fikile 
travel a lot, mostly due to Fikile?s work as LGBTQI activist. 
In the following section their stories are retold from a first person historical present perspective. 
This approach is best suited to her 
  Lives and Journeys Retold, Relived
 Preeti
 38
I had an interesting first few years. We lived in a building (Shalimar flats) where everybody was 
familiar with one another and there was always lots of people around.  My father had two wives. 
I had two biological brothers; one two years older than me and one two years younger than me 
and I had 3 (step) sisters and 2 (step) brothers. My mother, Rukmini was the second wife. My 
mother  was always  around.  She stayed  at  home,  meals  were prepared  etcetera,  my  father, 
however, was part-time there.  My relationship with my step brothers and sisters was, you know, 
fine. There wasn?t any separation, my father made sure that the kids from both sides of the 
family spent time to together, however, our mothers were not friendly towards each other. 
When I  was about nine years old we moved from town to Overport.  Growing up in 
Overport was, you know, fighting, and screaming and beating up and you know that type of 
thing. It was more difficult than in Shalimar, because you know whereas we had friends that we 
could run around and play with and all of that, there was no more of that here. It was just us in 
this house with this abusive man and all this ugliness. My mother got tired of the abuse and 
decided to move to Australia, where the rest of her family lived. My brothers went with her but I  
chose not to go.  I continued living in Overport with my step mother, Radha. She was the most 
amazing woman. I never felt as though we were really step children.
  I attended Durban Girls High, where I met Oshun. She was my best friend and my first 
girlfriend.  We spent all  our time together.  One rainy day,  when we were walking back from 
school, Oshun suddenly softly kissed me, and I, kissed her back. I didn?t care if any one saw us. 
Kissing Oshun felt wonderful. From that day we started dating, we were in a relationship. It was 
in this  relationship that I  explored sex for the first  time.  We would have sleepovers at each 
other?s houses. When people (family) would ask who she is I would say that she is just the school 
friend. No one said anything or suspected anything. Well maybe Apsara, my eldest sister knew, 
39
but if she did, she didn?t say anything. With Oshun it was nothing serious, I loved her but it was 
young love. I was still finding myself. Oshun became very needy and possessive. She wanted us 
to  be  together  all  the  time  and  complained  I  was  aloof.  I  was  dealing  with  my  own  shit. 
Whenever I  tried to leave her, she would threaten to kill  herself or tell  my father about our 
relationship. I loved her but it was just too much, and eventually I left. Oshun went to my father 
with  our  relationship.  He  didn?t  believe  her.  He  thought  we  were  having  some  fight  and 
dismissed her accusations as childish. 
In my matric year my step mother passed away. She died of an asthma attack. I was the 
only person that was there throughout the whole ordeal. It was a long drawn ordeal, having to 
watch someone gradually lose all the air that is available to breathe you know? And then just 
die. And I was by her side every single minute of that time.  She was the most phenomenal 
woman I had ever met, and she was basically the cement that held everything. Things fell apart 
after that, after her dying. My father being the philanderer that he always was, within 3 months, 
came home with another woman. So my father comes home with this woman and decides to 
live with her there.
  He was really spoilt. I mean he?s one of those typical Indian men that would go to work 
with a picnic basket of hot food and roti.  When my stepmother died, my elder sister Apsara and 
I had taken over the running of the household, because most of my siblings were overseas. We 
were saddled with having to attend to this man?s needs, in terms of a hot meal to take to work 
and all of that. And also his new 20 odd year old Jewish girlfriend that couldn?t do anything for 
herself, she was totally helpless beyond? and then we still had to go to university. Apsara was at 
tech at the time. That was a very difficult year. Shortly after my father moved in my youngest 
brother, Yatin, realised that it wasn?t the type of life he could live. You know? we were never at 
home when he got home, we were at university, and he was tired of the violence. The last time 
40
my father beat me up I was 21 years old and I thought I was going to die. At that point I only 
weighed 49kilos and he was an incredibly strong man, he was not big built but he was strong. 
Yatin  said  he  was  going  to  live  with  one  of  my  uncles  and  he  went.  We  continued  this 
arrangement for awhile and then Apsara eventually got fed up with it, and she said to him, you 
know, you either get rid of this woman or set her up in a flat wherever you want, but we do not 
want her living with us. He thereafter decided that he?d rather be with Ann, and he left, he left 
us, alone there and he moved out, in this huge five bed roomed house the two of us. And I 
suppose  it  would  have  been  very  nice  if  we  had  you  know.  But  it  was  just  such  a  painful  
experience. I  mean it  was a couple of  months after my stepmother had died. Neither of us 
wanted to be living there alone. So anyway, my father goes to live in another house of his, at the 
time one of my uncles (with his wife and three kids) was living there. It was a cramped situation. 
They (uncle and his family) decided they were going to move out, and come live with us because 
we were living in a five bed roomed house which was like you know, too much for two young 
girls. 
I never quite got on with this uncle at all. You know, with my mother being the second 
wife and with my stepmother just being such an amazing woman everybody took to her. And 
they didn?t quite like what my mother was doing, well she wasn?t really doing anything, they 
didn?t approve of the relationship, in their small minded way that sort of translated into well 
then the kids are bad. I never got on with my uncle and ja so it wasn?t a very long time after that 
and a couple of bad experiences later, that I decided I wasn?t going to live there any longer. 
 I  think  those were probably  the hardest  years  of  my life.  The year  at  UDW was a 
complete mess. I failed hopelessly. I went to live with one of my sisters, Anu. The year after that I 
went to Unitra (University of Transkei)  I  passed everything because I  think being away from 
home was just exactly what I needed. I applied for medicine and didn?t get in. So I had to go back 
41
to Durban.  I was back at UDW and living with my uncle.   I was pursuing a medical science 
degree to what end I had no idea but you know, I had to do something.  life was just so, so 
difficult you know?
  Again I failed hopelessly at UDW, for the 2nd time.  At this point my family was saying ?no 
no no maybe you?re not cut out to be studying anything? you know? ?Maybe you?re a little bit too 
stupid, don?t you think you should just rather be getting married or something?? I didn?t quite 
agree with that.  So I snuck off one day and I went to Medunsa and I enrolled there and that?s 
when I started doing dentistry. This is when I had my first adult romantic relationship, with a very 
camp guy called Nirvan. I loved him but I wasn?t in love. He helped me through difficult times 
but we fought a lot and the sex was bad. I never lusted after him. We fought54 a lot. He clearly 
didn?t want to be in the relationship and I was gay. I think me being with him was an attempt on 
my part to be doing the right thing, you know, being ?normal?. 
I started thinking you know, maybe these people are right, maybe I really don?t have as 
much brains as I think I do, because I failed again. There was no way I?m going to become a 
dentist or a doctor or anything for that matter. If you look at the rest of my family all of them are 
like either in the family business or they sitting at home you know. I ended my relationship with 
Nirvan which was also abusive and I decided I was going to finish this, and I finished my degree. 
While I was finishing my degree I got involved with my friend Swastika. She was my best 
friend and I loved her intensely. She got me, we got each other. Swastika was and could still 
possibly be my soul mate. In this relationship I learnt how to love. 
Swastika had huge issues with being ?gay?. I didn?t really care, but she was worried about 
her family, she was worried about them finding out. Swastika came from a very conservative 
family. They had already mapped out her entire life for her, from start to finish. No one really 
54
 5
  Physically and verbally
 42
cared about the things I was doing so I was left alone by my family. They would hear stories 
about me drinking and smoking dagga on campus, and all my performances, but no one said 
anything to me. The relationship lasted for three years, till we finished our degrees. When went 
back to our homes Swastika got married to a man.  
I  wanted to do my own thing I  wanted to have my practice. I  met Ella who lived in 
Joburg, in Rocky Street. She was older than me, and she was an out lesbian. We got involved and 
this made the move from Pretoria to Johannesburg easier55. My father was never happy with the 
fact that I was a dentist. When I said to him ?I finished I qualified I?m a dentist?, you know? His 1 st 
words to me were ?that?s, that?s nice but the only reason you?re a dentist is you?re too stupid to 
be a medical doctor?. When I bought my practice, I was on this mission, to prove to him that 
regardless of what he thought, I was going to be a success.  In the 1st four years, the practice had 
reached it absolute ceiling. I came to the realisation that I didn?t quite care what he thought 
anyway you know?  Whether I was a success or not, I didn?t need any affirmation from him. I 
started cutting back on my hours and started to just live my life.  I mean I?m not doing dentistry 
for the love of it, I never wanted to be a dentist ever. I wanted to be an architect or an artist.  My 
father just never approved of that at all. Eventually dentistry and more generally health care 
grew on me. 
And  here  I  am on  the  border  of  some very  big  changes,  and  that?s  all  interlinked,  it?s  my 
upbringing, it?s my relationship with my stepmother, the fact that she died and I watched this 
happen, my father being so abusive and being so, vulgar about things in his expression of how 
disappointed he was that I wasn?t a medical doctor and I just, then I reached a point where I 
thought you what fuck you, completely. You know, I don?t speak to him much. But now when I?m 
in Durban, he comes to see me. 
55
 5
  She and Swastika had been sharing a flat in Pretoria and commuting to Medunsa. 
43
I never came out explicitly to those around me, but they knew. I came out to my mother. 
I called her in Australia and I said, ?ma I?m gay?. She said that she always knew. My father asked 
my sisters about my sexuality. My sisters knew. They knew without having to be told. And my 
father asked them about my sexuality through them. He considered it just a phase I was going 
through. 
Jameela
 I  went to a school in Marabastad56,  that?s where I  grew up Pretoria.  I?ve been one of those 
fortunate ones, I think I always knew I was gay. Yet the thoughts always came first before the 
experience. And I think I only gave voice to it when I was about 13 for myself. I began exploring it  
in reading, trying to understand the morality of the feelings that I was experiencing.  I became 
aware of  how society  actually  works  with  its  contradictions.  Being  acutely  aware of  gender 
relations by that age I worked out very early on, that what I was feeling was not mainstream, and 
was different. It was going to be frowned upon, and I would experience intolerance and possibly 
ostracisation if I  expressed it. So a lot of the exploration and the thinking, and the trying to 
understand it, exploring what it this thing was, was done quietly and silently with books rather 
than with people.  
And when I was 15 I got bold enough to court a girl  (Fatima) at school. It was quite 
remarkable in that sense, that it was successful and it was a really loving and strong bond that 
developed.  It was a non-sexual relationship, it was a physical relationship there was a lot of 
kissing and but it was a non sexual one. There was a strange respect for abstaining from sex 
because we were so young and you know not going that far. so this friend of mine, Rashaan, who 
56
 5
  Because of Apartheid legislature, it would have been an Indian school. 
44
was very much in love with her found out in about standard 9 and he stopped talking to me. And 
well  the  matric  year  was very  interesting  because the girls  in  the  class  had clearly  taken a 
position and it was not a hostile position, in fact they were joking about it  saying oh well who?s 
going to be next on the list? that kind of thing. Boys were mixed about it. the reason that was 
the case was because, I was one of the brightest kids in the class and I had a very good peer 
relationship  with  everybody,  and  a  lot  of  the  time  I  spent  helping  everybody  with  their 
homework and forefront in a political and in a socio-political sense so the response I got was not 
one of hostility but rather one of well ?she?s like that but we know her?. Rashaan called me some 
five years later to apologise for not continuing the friendship and to say that he missed me. And 
he just wanted to tell me that he?s married and he?s doing this and that. This was the first time 
that we actually spoke about that relationship, and I said to him sorry that you were so hurt but 
you didn?t know that I was already involved with her and, if I could have told I would have but I 
couldn?t. That was a very touching and compassionate interaction. 
In matric our relationship, my relationship with her (Fatima) ended because she wanted 
to be married and have children and, actually we couldn?t didn?t really talk about it.  I think the 
enormity of this of this thing hit us but badly, in the sense that we couldn?t even talk about what 
we were going to do. Would we even think about planning a future together? It was like a given, 
there is just no future. She got married had a child and got divorced and before I ran away to go 
and study we met up again and that was the time when we did have sex. Because the attraction 
between us was still  very strong and present. And in that conversation she was saying that I 
abandoned her and that I didn?t I didn?t voice the need to have a future with her and I said to 
her I couldn?t see how that could be possible in the context that we were living in. I needed to be 
financially independent in order to make decisions for myself in the first instance, and in the 
second instance there was a lot of other things I wanted to do in my life apart from settling 
45
down with one person, that wasn?t the primary thing that I wanted. But had I known that, what 
was expected of me I would have, offered to stay around despite the other things that I had 
wanted to pursue. 
She then went on to get married and remarried. I saw her on and off over the next two 
decades, and at some point she said she didn?t want to see me anymore. Because every time she 
saw me it disturbed her life too much because she still wanted to be with me. But she wouldn?t 
have been able to live that life. So as far when did I know about my sexuality I knew very early 
on, as far as did I explore other avenues and try and change myself, yes I did. But for me there 
were so many other gender related constraints that that I needed to challenge, and turn around 
for myself personally, sexuality was just one of it. 
I grew up in the context where it wasn?t given that you were going to go and study. And 
you had to fight for being different not just on a level of sexuality but also if you wanted to study 
as a woman and not follow the path that had been predetermined for you as in marriage and 
children. And, I tried to work out how I was going to do this. I wanted to go and study and had 
been accepted by almost every university in the country my father refused to sign any forms, 
ofcorse I got accepted by forging his signature but there was a basic position, that you?re not 
going to go and study you are going to get married and that?s your future. So I worked out that 
maybe a way to freedom was marriage. I  could get married and then get divorced because 
divorced women enjoy a status and a lot more freedom in society than unmarried women.
 I then agreed to get engaged to a guy who was a friend of a family, our families were 
friends, and in 3 months time I was completely unable to do this thing. I tried everything in my 
power to destroy the relationship hoping that he would break it off with me but he wasn?t doing 
that. And eventually I had to grasp the matter and I said to myself ?I?m not gonna do this?. My 
parents were obviously very upset and it was the first time in their experience that a child was 
46
rebelling against something so serious and the shame of it. In those days a broken engagement 
was like a death sentence. But my sisters were very good about persuading my parents.
 It was late seventies. The issue around wanting to breaking out of that community and 
that way of life was not only about sexuality, it was about politics, it was about values, it was 
about  wanting  to  be  an  academic,  wanting  to  pursue  academic  interests,  wanting  different 
things for myself. So sexuality was part of it but in fact one of the bigger and more burning 
desires and ambition was to go and study and obtain a qualification that would enable me to 
become financially independent. From a very early age I realised that financial independence 
was critical to any women who wanted to live an independent life, and have some negotiating 
power.  So I ran away from home in 1981, and I ran away to go and study not to pursue a 
girlfriend. 
 My father didn?t speak to me for three years after I did that. They had to deal with the 
community saying what is this you know? Why is your daughter gone off? And they said no, we 
sent  her.  So  they  rescued  themselves  in  a  social  sense  from  scandal  by  taking  this  half 
responsibility  for it,  but my father  and myself  didn?t  speak and we had an extremely  rocky 
relationship for 3 to 4 yrs after that. I used to come home for holidays and it was always a very 
traumatic  time for everybody,  because I  always  negotiated and spoke to  my father  through 
everybody,  and  he  spoke  to  me  through  everybody,  so  there  was  a  lot  of  anger  and  not 
understanding of what this was about, why is my child doing this you know?  I  had a lot of 
buffers  because  my  sisters  were  very  good  at  mediating  this  tension  between  me  and  my 
parents. In many ways I was living the dream of almost all  my sisters who did not have the 
opportunity to do what I was doing. So I had immense support from them, because this was 
exactly  what  they  wanted to  do,  coz they  were all  ahead of  their  time.  Three of  them got 
47
married by arranged marriages and they were traumatised by it, so they were there as a strong 
support network. 
So I ran away to go and study I went to Cape Town. I was at UCT. At UCT my main aim 
was really to also aside from my sexuality I really wanted to explore my political commitments 
and my political consciousness. I felt a strong overwhelming need to be involved in a movement 
that would that would be a movement that made me understand and feel patriotic towards this 
country. I wanted to be part of something that was going to allow me to challenge what we were 
experiencing as kids when we were growing up and the injustices, and not just the injustices that 
were directed towards me, but the injustices that were in society at large. I  was looking for 
political involvement rather than exploring sexuality. And I found it very quickly. I found it in the 
student?s  movement,  I  found  it  in  the  UDF  movement,  touching  shoulders  with  the  ANC 
underground.  
In  that  process  I  got  involved  with  a  woman  who  was  probably  my  1st significant 
relationship as an adult and we were both activists. It was a very strong bond that surpassed 
sexuality, it was about our vision for the future, our understanding of the political environment 
we were in and what we were doing about it and our commitment to the struggle. It was a very 
complicated relationship because it had so many bonds on so many different levels, and she was 
straight. And in that relationship she couldn?t deal with it, as much as she loved me she was 
always trying to get out of it. So she got involved with men twice in our relationship which I think 
shook it and eventually I left her. But the break up was longer than the relationship itself, we 
were closely (intensely) involved with each other positively and negatively for seven years.  
We friends now, the bond is  still  present.  After I  broke up with her  by then I  had 
completed my degree. I was burnt out as an activist but I wanted to teach. I was teaching maths 
at a high school in Cape Town. I realised I never really explored being young. I grew up in a 
48
conservative conventional family, I didn?t rebel around smoking and drinking and things. I only 
did that when I was in my 20s I had a sense of some clubbing but I never did all those things. I  
never did all those things other teenagers did in that time. So in the time I was on rebound 
trying to find what it was I wanted to do as a career because that was still very more important 
to me than anything else. I allowed myself to explore other women and you know the fun side of 
life.  Instead of working flat out as an activist, meetings, every night, discussions, workshops, 
organising and mobilising. I started just going out with friends to movies and clubs and things. 
During that time I opened myself to other women and I had some meaningful relationships but 
they were very short lived because I just couldn?t commit to them or I was too scared, I just 
couldn?t do it. I went back to study and I went to do my LLB which is what I really wanted to do, I 
wanted to be a lawyer. And, that took me to the end of my stay in Cape Town which was 11yrs. 
Now how did  I  see  myself  then?  I  think  I  definitely  saw myself  as  gay  there?s  no 
question about that. Though there was a question of what kind of gay person I would be. Was I 
closeted? Well I wasn?t closeted with my friends but I never said it. And no one asked. We were 
activists together and no one really tackled the sexuality issue. There was a group of activists 
that had setup a gay and lesbian organisation called OLGA, the organisation for lesbian and gay 
activists.  And OLGA was the precursor of the group of people who were mainstream activists, 
because with the activist sphere, there were different levels, mainstream and fringe. Gays were 
always, if they were mainstream activists their sexuality was never discussed and in fact it was 
seen as a weakness. Because in those days you could get blackmailed by the security police for 
being gay, they in fact used that tactic with quite a few people in order to get them to become 
spies because of their sexuality. So it was always something that was very difficult to discuss and 
there were many reactionary positions taken on it, so in a strange way in the most progressive 
environment people were closeted you know? Which was the most interesting contradiction we 
49
lived in. 
There wasn?t a space, which allowed me to be an activist and gay at the same time. You 
know I was most despondent about that issue and I would test my own sexuality. And I?d say oh 
well here?s a man that?s interested in me let me see if that works. and you know the test really is 
when you in bed, because when you expect this woman body and there?s a man body, and this is 
like no I want something else, and you try and you try, for me it was a very clear I want to be 
somewhere else. I?m sorry but I keep on wishing you were a woman and you not, and as much as 
I like the guy it just wouldn?t go away. So I tested it. Can I accept that I?m different and continue 
to live with my difference? Which I accepted a long time ago, but how can I bear this difference 
in life, can I continue doing this? Can I assimilate into mainstream? So I would test it and I think 
the guys were very hurt and very offended and very upset because. It wasn?t a test to deny my 
sexuality, it was a test to affirm it. Where you come out of it saying well I?m still gay, I still want to 
be gay and I have to accept that I am. I?ve been like that forever and I must accept what I am. It?s 
not like I haven?t been sexually attracted to men, but those have been very few and far between 
and they?ve always been a very sort of fleeting sort of attraction based on a combination a 
number of things, intellectual, it was always nice people, very nice descent people. But it was 
always, I wish I could be straight but I?m not. 
Gradually I allowed myself to assert my sexuality, without apologising for it. The people that I 
worked very closely with began to understand that I was gay. I didn?t have to tell them. So did I 
see myself as gay? Yes. But I also saw myself as more than that. And a lot of the women I was 
involved were women who had been involved with men before, who had got involved with other 
women after me, but also got with other men. So they were not overtly gay and decidedly gay. 
Most of them occupied that grey area of sexuality and it may be because the grey area is about 
50
more than just sexuality. It?s about, how exciting and how interesting you find someone how 
much you can engage intellectually with them. And those were the key drivers of affection. 
The ANC was unbanned in 1990 and I was having an ideological battle about whether I 
wanted to be an ANC member; whether I wanted to be a career politician or whether I wanted 
to continue being an activist for social justice. I decided I wanted to be an activist and not a 
career politician. I moved up to Joburg. I found it a hard adjustment because it was closer to the 
family and it did impact on how I was going to engage with my sexuality then because being 
further away from home is always easier you know, on that front. Was I going to come out to my 
parents? No I was not going to come out to my parents, but my father died in 1991 and in some 
ways it actually liberated our family, the women, in ways that were quite positive. So I?ve never 
come out to my family but my family knows, and I know that they know on a number of levels 
the way my mother deals with me. 
We get together at my mother?s house every weekend. My family is a very gentle family, 
they?re  very  inclusive  and  very  polite  and  everybody  who  you  bring  home  is  included  and 
welcomed home. There is no issue about you can?t bring someone home and my mother would 
never say anything until after the person disappears and then she would say ?so where is so and 
so?. I would say no they?re around, she would say ?you know I didn?t like that about her? and so 
she delivers comment on the relationship without saying I know you?re involved with someone. 
The reason why I know that she knows, that it is a relationship, is because she tells her other 
daughters  oh Jameela is  seeing this  person now and so on.  But  she would  never  discuss  it 
directly with me. 
We never speak about it;  it?s just comfortably worked into space. So we live parallel 
universes but at the same time we transcend those, we seek out the bonds with one another 
and we don?t let the differences interfere with it.  
51
So there?s a degree of being out in my family. My brother is also gay so it?s clear there 
are no issues there. My younger sister Tahirih has no issues, we speak openly and frankly. My 
older sister knows and she tries to engage with me to see if I will speak to her about it. Most of 
the time I choose not to but the context is there for me to say I?m seeing so and so. But because I 
don?t say, the way they deal with it is then they include the person, and they wait until I?m ready, 
and if it works it works out, and if doesn?t work out it doesn?t work out, and that?s how they deal 
with it. What my family does know is that my sexuality is not the primary driver for me in terms 
of motivation around what I do. My career has always taken 90% of my life and that the other 
pursuits that I follow which are far more important to me. My other sisters are aware that I?m 
different and how they?ve dealt with it is they give me a lot of privacy. Like most families you 
know when your sister wants to come around they knock on the door and pop in and stuff like 
that, they would call me to say ?can we come around? so they have adjusted to my lifestyle rather 
than me having to fight with them about it. So in a sense I?m very lucky in many ways.  Because 
the level of power and financial independence I?ve achieved, because I became a lawyer and by 
all  objective  accounts,  have  been  a  successful  lawyer,  I  always  occupied  the  mainstream 
positions of economic activity.
 I became Tahirih?s political mentor. She became a youth activist.  She chose to live her life along 
the lines that I was. But the interesting thing was, when she finished matric it was understood 
that she was going to go to varsity, and that was a huge change already. it was given that she was 
going to go. Well my father bitched about finances and things like, which is typical, but there was 
no question about the fact that she was going to acquire a tertiary education. Which was a battle 
that had been won. In the community I was one of the few people who took that step. And what 
followed  was  a  whole  lot  of  girls  saying  we  want  to  do  this  as  well,  and  parents  started 
52
compromising, saying ok you?ll do it closer to home. you saw the Indian community in Laudium 
starting to open itself up, realising we need to acquire skills which are not just general dealer 
skills, and girls then became far more valuable in that sense for families. So in another way it was 
quite pioneering but it was hell and it was difficult in that there was a time when I could not see 
what the outcome could be, but I was determined to live my life the way that I wanted to live it. 
And If I had to sacrifice my family bonds then so be it. So I was quite out there remote for a 
while in a space that felt dislodged and rudderless in one way, but in another way was quite 
exhilarating because I was learning about my own strengths and my own realities. When I was 
seventeen I felt that, if I had lived there, I would have gone from one tunnel to another tunnel 
without ever seeing the sunlight. And that I wanted to see the sunlight and I wanted to live it. 
And it was going to be of my making and not of anybody else?s. It?s only later on that I started 
appreciating my upbringing and the value system that the family had provided me. And the way 
my  family  had  dealt  with  that  issue  with  understanding,  very  compassionate,  keeping  the 
channels  of  communication  open  even  if  it  was  through  my mother  or  through my  sisters. 
There?s always an open door it?s never closed. That sets them apart from other families. Because 
I know of people, whose mothers have just, and fathers have ostracised their children and never 
spoken to them even on their death bed. So I think it wasn?t just sexuality, because in fact it 
wasn?t  sexuality  that  was  driving  me,  it  was  other  things.  Mainstream  community  and 
mainstream society could relate to my struggles. She wants to study, nobody said she wants to 
be gay you know. I would have stopped being gay if I had gotten to study you know. Theoretically 
speaking, I will never have stopped.  
I  would  call  myself  a  lesbian  only  if  you pushed me to describe  myself  in  terms  of 
sexuality. But if you ask me to describe myself to you it wouldn?t be the 1st thing.  I don?t sleep 
with men I sleep with women. And I enjoy my relationships with women and I feel closer to 
53
women. But if you want to describe me beyond that. I don?t see my sexuality as overwhelmingly 
describing  me.  I?m a progressive  activist  who?s  dedicated to  transformation who believes  in 
tolerance and debate and I think that, and I have a personal value system that lives along the 
lines of the 10 commandments except for the fact that I?ll certainly not get married to anybody. 
Marriage is an institution I don?t believe in, commitment I do. 
I  don?t  wear  my sexuality  on my sleeve because I  think that primarily  it  is  a  private 
choice,  with social  consequences,  which I  will  fight for.  I  have put my time and energy into 
fighting for rights for people like myself and people who choose to be gay, and who can?t be 
anything  but  gay  or  who  are  Black  or  who  are  foreign,  because  of  xenophobia.  I?m  an 
internationalist at heart I understand that culture is not something that develops in a lab in a 
conical flask. By in large communities that have interacted with other communities cannot talk 
about a pure culture. So what is Indian for example? I?ve struggled a lot with Indian identity and 
South African identity when I was young and I wanted to be South African Black with an Indian 
ancestry. And I understood that when I was 7yrs old. I look for similarities, I look to see where is  
it I can relate to someone on similar grounds. Once I have done that then we can tolerate our 
differences. So I?ve dealt with my sexuality in the same way. I engage with people, they like me, 
and then they can?t hate me after that when they discover that I?m gay. Because you see there?s 
so much other stuff that we can talk about, and we can connect on.  
Yes I would describe myself as a lesbian if you asked me, and what does it mean for me? 
It means that, that if  you want to distinguish me on the basis of sexuality then I sleep with 
women, I love women, and I don?t want to sleep with men because I?ve tested my own sexuality 
on a number of occasions. But if you want to describe me as a holistic person my lesbianism is a 
part of me. 
54
Vaneshree
 I?m  formerly  from Durban.  We  lived  in  Chatsworth,  and  we  had  a  house  on  the  beach  in 
Umhlanga. Then when Umhlanga became a developmental area my father saw it as a good time 
to sell  the house. My father was in real estate. He kept on building houses and buying and 
houses and selling them. My parents were living with my father?s parents, and you know the 
dynamics of  the Indian family  when you live  with your  mother-in-law and father-in-law.  My 
parents decided to move out on their own. I never had a stable community if you?re looking at a 
specific area. I could say I lived in Chatsworth, I lived in Phoenix, and Umhlanga the rest of them 
were just real estate. My father would buy then sell a couple of months later, we basically had to 
move wherever my father moved. I told you I grew up in a very conservative family. A family that 
believed in tradition and culture. If there was a prayer I would be part of it and it always included 
the entire family. We had family tradition, the spirit of tradition. 
I think my father had a greater influence in my life than my mother. My mother wasn?t 
the emotional type, she was more for her family, her people.  I finished matric with straight A?s. 
My father wanted me to study medicine or law because he had businesses, he wanted a lawyer 
in the family.  I refused I wanted to study something totally different. I saw myself as a people 
person and decided to pursue a career in nursing. I relocated to Johannesburg, where I lived at a 
residence in town.  During this time I was involved with a man. I loved him but I was not in love 
with him. We got engaged. I lost this fianc? in a car crash. If I had married him I don?t think I 
would have been happy. I would have been happy for some time until I realised this is not what 
I?m looking for. If I was eighteen and someone gave me the option to explore other relationships, 
like homosexual relationships, I think I would have gone far differently.  
55
From there I had another boyfriend but somehow nothing clicked right with this boyfriend. This 
relationship didn?t work. So I decided to go solo. You know, I looked at it as ag man it was one of  
those things, maybe I wasn?t interested in a relationship. But I think the emphasis would be on, 
that I was not interested in a relationship with a man.
 I  was single for a year,  the most of  1998. In 1999 I  met a woman. We had a lot  in 
common in terms of health, she was driving an ambulance. She was not a woman of my own 
race  group.  She asked  me for  my telephone  number  and I  was  very  interested,   actually,  I 
thought she was a guy, that?s my honest first impression of her, I thought she was a guy. So I 
thought ok here?s a guy who wants my telephone number, now not to be sounding vain, but I 
was at that time an eye catching specimen let?s put it that way. People were interested you 
know? People wanted to be there.  But I was not interested you know? She used to call me and 
things like that and then we started developing a friendship. And I realised something in that 
friendship  process.  I?m  not  who  I?m  made  out  to  be,  made  out  by  culture,  tradition  and 
whatever.  And I knew in my heart that I was going to break all those barriers by doing what I 
was  going  to  do.  And  not  sure  of  myself  but  still  sure  of  myself,  I  decided  to  pursue  this 
relationship. Well she basically pursued me all the way and then eventually we got involved in a 
relationship. 
To be honest with you I even didn?t know how to kiss a girl for the first time, what happens, you 
know?  And it felt right, it felt normal. Emotions had place, you know? It wasn?t this scattered 
thing that was flying around somewhere in the air, you know? It suddenly found a tree and it 
landed and here I settled you know? And that?s basically what happened.
 But I think that the stumbling block I hit was that I couldn?t openly say that I?m a lesbian. 
I couldn?t openly say that I was involved with a woman so in terms of disguise my family still 
believed I  had a  boy friend.  I  had a partner,  yes of  course,  there was this  person that  was 
56
phoning me there was this person that sent me messages when they came over they would find 
teddy bears in my room. I wouldn?t be buying them for myself, you know, and they?d find love 
bites on my neck for example and that couldn?t happen on its own, you know? 
In terms of tradition I agreed to be her partner for life but unfortunately the sad thing 
about it was that she cheated on me  five times over, and I ended up saying to myself , no I don?t 
want this relationship or whatever and maybe I?d made a mistake maybe I wasn?t lesbian after 
all, you know maybe it was just me exploring or looking for attention or, or I was looking for a 
mother figure because I didn?t have a mother figure in my life, or maybe this was God testing me 
you know, testing how strong I was, and here I was I broke all the norms of tradition and culture. 
I sat down and analysed that for the long time. I think what happened from there is that I went 
into introspection. I still  couldn?t find or define my space. I think I was bound by culture and 
tradition. I turned to my culture but I also felt restricted by it. My gran and father passed within a 
short space of time, I fasted did prayers, I found myself doing those cultural practices the things 
that I would normally do as a child in home where a parent has died or a gran has died whatever. 
My partner was there but she was ?my friend? you know? I wasn?t able to say that she was my 
girlfriend.  Then I got sick. I?ve been living with cancer from 1998, that?s another issue in my life. 
My partner was there with me for chemotherapy and all the likes. I decided that I?d rather live 
for myself. My partner had cheated on me and I felt like it [the relationship] wasn?t enough. 
Maybe it was the cancer; I started questioning all these things. I started questioning the books, I 
graduated  from  spiritual  school  so  I  was  well  versed  in  terms  of  the  Bhagavad-Gita, 
Mahabharata, Ramayana and all those things. In the process I realised that all these books were 
written in a time when a person couldn?t express who her or his self was.  These books have 
57
made us who we are, I come from a practice, but these traditions have been passed on from a 
person.
  Let me tell you a story my spiritual mentor told me.  One day there was a prayer that was 
going on, I think it was a Porridge prayer or something. It was at one of the priest?s houses n?? 
The priest had this cat that was constantly disturbing the processes, every time he would lay out 
a dish the cat would get there, annoyed he tied the cat in a bag and hung it on a tree so the cat 
does not move, you understand?  The congregation who was there observed all of this and when 
they went home to do the prayer each one of them got a cat tied it in a bag and put it in a tree 
because they thought it was part of the prayer. Now you tell me what is tradition? 
The honest truth about it all is that I don?t think coming out is that easy in the Indian 
community. When Fikile told me ?there?s another lesbian Indian out there? I  said ?No! You?re 
joking, You are joking? [laughter] I thought I was standing solo in the world? and where to from 
here? How do I go forward? How do I continue being who I am? Because that?s basically who we 
are, we are culture and tradition. As Indians we have changed from our ancestors, so I think 
?coming out? is not as difficult as it would seem ne? Indians are quite adaptive, I mean if our 
ancestors can come from India work in the sugar cane fields when they have never seen sugar 
cane in their lives, they?ve never tasted sugar cane in their lives and here they come and they sit  
in the sugar cane fields and they believe sugar cane is sweet and this is what they must do. Now 
you tell me, can they not change? I believe we are adaptive, we can change. 
Then I met Fikile and we hooked up. We started staying together fairly soon, things were 
accelerated.  I  was  staying  with  my  ex  lover,  Kim  in  her  parents?  house.  Fikile  was  having 
problems where she was staying so she came to stay with me. We were asked to leave by Kim?s 
father, Uncle Jack. Actually he wrote to us. One day while Fikile and I were making love Uncle 
Jack slipped a note under our door. Saying that he didn?t know we were lesbians and he didn?t 
58
approve of that kind of lifestyle in his house, especially because there were children around. 
What you think of that? I wonder what he thought me and his daughter used to do behind those 
doors.  We stayed with a few friends for a while and eventually we got a place of our own. 
In terms of my identity by then it felt so natural to be with a women that I didn?t even question 
it. After all my reflection I realised I that this is who I am. And I think my happiness matters. 
when you go out there today and find a guy for yourself I don?t say anything, I don?t ask ?Why 
does he have this colour hair? Why does he wear these earrings? Why does he dress like this?? 
you know, I don?t do that I accept him for who he is, your family will accept you for who he is. So 
why not accept me for who I am? 
I had an accident: I broke my back and had to go for a back operation. I was off work for  
about two months, we phoned my mother so she came up to look after me. My mother was 
confused by our relationship. She was very conservative and she could not understand how I was 
able to have such a close friendship with a Black woman. She knew I had a friend called Fikile but 
she wanted to know why are Fikile?s clothes packed in the same wardrobe as mine? Why was she 
wearing my jacket? Why was she wearing my shoes? Why were we drinking out of the same 
cups? Why were we eating out of the same plates? Why do we feed each other? You know, why 
all these things, she wanted to know why and I didn?t have an answer. I said ma it?s just part of 
the friendship, it?s the convenience of friendship. The friendship was too intimate for my mother 
and my excuses did little to placate her, my mother was really getting curious. The deceit was 
also taking its toll on our relationship, because Fikile is very upfront about her sexuality. She 
found it difficult to keep up the fa?ade. Feeling the pressure I decided to tell my mother.
  I called my mother to the room, and Fikile was there and I said: ?Ma, I have something 
to tell you?. She said ?what is it?? I said ?Fikile is not my friend.? I looked at her. ?What?? she said. I  
said ?Fikile is my girlfriend? now my mother being the kind of person that she is, she said ?Ja, 
59
she?s  your  girl  and she?s  your  friend.?  you know? I  say ?Ma she?s  my girlfriend as  if  I  had a 
boyfriend, I am gay.? So my mother had heard these things about people being gay before, but 
my mother didn?t call it gay my mother called it ?gail?. She says ?you can?t tell me that you are gail  
you bloody talking nonsense, don?t talk rubbish? my mother went on. I was like ?Ma, I want you 
to understand I?m in love with Fikile as I would love a man?. My mother got up and left the room. 
She was pissed off and she started crying. Then she went to watch TV, she was angry and she 
didn?t talk to us the whole night.  She didn?t want to have anything to do with us.  The next 
morning she woke up and she wasn?t my mother anymore, she was something out of a horror 
movie. She became really nasty started taking off with me using every vulgarity known. She was 
not accepting and I entitled her to her anger. I have a supportive partner she said to me ?you 
know what, let it go and then we will see what happens, you know let her get over her anger? 
and I think Fikile really helped me through that process. She doesn?t accept Fikile as who she is 
and I doubt she ever will. She has mellowed a bit but she never got over that fact. If my mother 
had her way she would stay with relatives when she came to Jozi. She did it once, just after I 
came out. She went to stay with Maliga, an aunty of mine. Maliga asked her why she wasn?t 
staying with me and if everything was ok. My mother didn?t want the rest of the family to know 
that I?m gay so she made an excuse to avoid the family from talking. Worried about what people 
might say, on her next visit to Jozi, she stayed with us. 
My mother had to engage with the reality of sexual orientation on another occasion, 
when I appeared on the show called the Big Question. I phoned to tell her that I would be on TV 
and she must watch. I think what happened to her that day was that the reality hit home, that I 
am with Fikile, and that people have seen us in public, now it?s too late to go back, you know? I 
think my mother?s issues are multiple issues, it?s about the fact that Fikile?s Black and the fact 
that I?m lesbian, the fact that I?m in love with a woman. I think it?s just too much for her to deal 
60
with, you know? , and my mother has always spoken to me about grand children and things like 
that.
 As for how I call myself, when we were defined we were defined as homosexuals. By 
defect they call it homosexuals and then they called the men gay and they called the women 
lesbian. The term queer and the likes come from a community perspective.  If you look at the 
definition of queer it means something that is not understandable, if it?s something that is not 
understandable, ne? It?s  our duty to make them understand. I?m not queer you can use the 
terminology of course that suits you, but I prefer the term lesbian. Ne? I?m a lesbian. Right, my 
definition is that I?m a woman who loves another woman, right, if that is the case and you want 
to call  me queer its fine because it suits you but my understanding of myself is that I?m not 
queer. I?d gladly tell anybody I?m lesbian.
 CHAPTER FIVE
 Deconstruction
 THE FIRST TIME
 This chapter will examine the politics of same-sex desire among WLW. When did Jameela, Preeti 
and Vaneshree, who grew up in a heteronormative environment, realise they preferred women 
to men, or maybe both? When and how did they translate this knowledge into actions? In other 
words, I considered it important to learn about their first same-sex experiences as this in many 
61
ways signalled a shift away from accepted norms. By collecting their stories, we open a window 
to a different struggle. Their stories are an example of individual strength, a personal struggle 
and a deep-rooted human need to seek and to live according to ones true desire. By grounding 
what  would  be  the  lived  experience  of  sexuality  in  the  tangible  realities  of  the  everyday 
negotiations  we get  a  sense of  the  complexities  and social  forces  faced by  each individual. 
Considering how uninviting their worlds are to this form of love how did they find spaces to be 
with their loves? What were the issues that presented themselves once they acted on this love? 
How did they feel about their love? These are some of the questions that the following chapter 
will ask.
 Heterosexuality is the normative, compulsory sexuality. After their first sexual desires for 
another woman they become aware of a different mode of sexual being, and in turn of their own 
sexual ?difference? and sexual agency. As noted by Jameela, when you say ?yes? to one instance, 
in effect you say ?yes? to all instances thereafter ? you have opened the flood gates to experience 
life and its vast possibilities.  
In  this  light  their  first  sexual  desires  are  viewed  as  the  precursor  for  further  same-sexual 
exploration as well  as  setting  the scene for  the  possibility  of  coming out  as  lesbian,  gay or 
homosexual. The first time can mean a paradigm shift, a self realisation, a difference declared 
and called into question.  Through these stories  we get insight into the individual?s  personal 
process of finding love and experiencing heartbreak, which are indeed very human phenomena, 
against the backdrop of cultural, economic and political constraints. 
What  impact  did  kissing  another  woman have on our  three informants?  How did  it 
influence their sexual identities? And how did they cope with such self-discovery? To gain insight 
62
into certain intimate aspects of personhood, an analysis of themes presented in each woman?s 
stories will follow. 
Jameela?s First Time
 I?ve been one of those fortunate ones, I think I always knew I was gay. Yet the thoughts always 
came first before the experience. And I think I  only gave voice to it when I was about 13 for 
myself. I began exploring it in reading, trying to understand the morality of the feelings that I was 
experiencing. I became aware of how society actually works with its contradictions. Being acutely 
aware of gender relations by that age I worked out very early on, that what I was feeling was not 
mainstream,  and  was  different.  It  was  going  to  be  frowned  upon,  and  I  would  experience 
intolerance  and  possibly  ostracisation  if  I  expressed  it.  So  a  lot  of  the  exploration  and  the 
thinking, and the trying to understand it, exploring what it this thing was, was done quietly and 
silently with books rather than with people. 
In retrospect Jameela feels fortunate that she was able to prepare herself early on to live with 
her sexual difference, because as a young teenager she is aware of her ?sexual difference? .  As a 
result of witnessing fixed gender roles and compulsory heterosexuality as a young girl  she is 
aware of her place in the gender hierarchy.  As a girl, Jameela is expected to spend her days 
indoors and domesticate herself. Notions of being ?good? and ?bad? for the female body are tied 
to space and movement. A good girl stays inside, and a bad girl roams the streets. These notions 
of good and bad are also intrinsically  tied to the policing of young women?s sexualities.  The 
outside  public  space  is  male  dominated,  therefore  women  who  venture  outside  open 
themselves to male penetration, literally (in terms of wanted and unwanted sexual encounters 
63
with  men)  and  symbolically  as  their  conduct  will  be  judged  by  ?the  community?  (i.e.  the 
omnipotent male father figure) as inappropriate and unbecoming of a young woman. It is clear 
that for a young girl to remain pure, she must abstain from premarital sex, she must stay inside 
away from boys and political engagement, and she must domesticate herself. 
Jameela  thinks  about  the  implications  of  her  desires  in  relation  to  her  family  and 
community. She thinks about the meaning of wanting a woman in this world, a homophobic 
world.  Knowing  that  her  desires  challenge  normative  sexuality,  Jameela  did  her  initial 
exploration with books rather than with people. It  was safer to explore her sexuality  in this 
manner as it afforded her the much needed space, albeit surreptitiously, to make sense of her 
desires.  The only sexual union presented is the heterosexual57 marriage model. Besides this 
particular  model,  alternative  forms  of  love/sex/life  are  not  presented  as  a  visible,  viable 
arrangement58. Jameela feels at odds with her sexual desires because it clear to her that in the 
society we live in a certain kind person likes someone of the same-sex, and by most accounts it is 
the ?deviant? kind59.  Growing up she heard people talk and saw their reactions to those in the 
community who chose gender roles outside of prescribed models60.
 Jameela?s  anxieties  around  her  same-sex  desires  illustrate  the  hegemony  that 
heterosexuality  enjoys. It  is  only because she desires something outside of  the heterosexual 
model that she has to deal with issues of morality. At the age of fifteen, two years after she 
comes out to herself, Jameela feels confident enough to pursue a girl. 
57
 5
  Preferably the middle class, same ?race, not to big of an age gap and vanilla sexing  kind 
58 See Adrienne Rich, 1980, Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence, for a discussion on heteronormativity. 
59 Foucault,  M.  The History  of  Sexuality:  Volume 1;  An Introduction, 1976,  translated from the French  by  Alan 
Sheridan-Smith. Penguin Publications as well as Zackie Achmat, Apostles of the un-civilised vice 
60
 6
  Effeminate men were often the butt of many jokes and called pottai marie which is a derogatory Tamil word for gay 
men. 
64
And when I was 15 I got bold enough to court a girl (Fatima) at school. It was quite remarkable in 
that sense, that it was successful and it was a really loving and strong bond that developed.  
Jameela is surprised that her feelings are reciprocated. Until then she had felt alone in her same-
 sex desires, now someone that she desires shares her feelings. Jameela and Fatima decide that it 
would be in their best interests if they kept their relationship a secret. According to Srivastava 
(2003: 2) ?different sites of secrecy can tell us something about the relationships of material and 
cultural power that need to be addressed in our projects of social change.?61. Rather than disrupt 
the system Jameela and Fatima mobilised silence to maintain the status quo,  this  was their 
survival tactic. Being young dependents they wielded neither the cultural nor material power to 
be able  to  claim their  love  publicly  so  they  use  silence to  ensure  that  ?life  as  we know it? 
continues to exist. Jameela and Fatima did not have the support that would enable them to 
challenge societal precepts, especially an entrenched institution such as heterosexuality. 
While their peers are able to confide in each other and express solidarity to each other?s early 
sexual causes, Fatima and Jameela felt unable to share their love with anyone.   Even though 
Jameela shared everything with her best friend Rashaan, she is unable to tell him about her 
relationship with Fatima. As noted by Bhattacharyya (2002) ?heterosexuality marks all unmarked 
places as its own?62.  Their secrecy is what protected their relationship, in that it afforded them 
the space to explore their desires.  They were able to present their relationship as a friendship 
and were therefore afforded unlimited time together, this would have not been the case if they 
61
 6
  Srivastava, S. 2003, 3rd IASSC conference held in Johannesburg, Plenary address, Complicating ?sexuality?,  
contesting ?secrecy?, p2. 
62
 6
  Bhattacharyya, Gargi, Sexuality and Society : an introduction. 2002. London : Routledge.
 65
were a heterosexual couple. Preeti who also had her first sexual experience with a girl in her 
adolescent years employed similar tactics.   
A family?s respectability, reputation and honour is placed squarely on the shoulders of 
their  girl  child  (Bhaskaran,  2004).  Her  ?purity?  is  ensured  by  her  virginity,  she  must  remain 
untarnished by premarital sexual activity. Her sexuality is the concern of the entire family, as a 
result the movement of single females is closely monitored and usually restricted to the private 
domain of the household. The fact that attraction is based on opposites in our society worked to 
their advantage as they were able to conduct their relationship with some ease, a luxury not 
afford to their heterosexual peers. Besides external pressures to conform, the girls themselves 
were unsure about  their  desires.  All  of  these  factors  contributed to  the couple choosing  to 
explore their relationship privately and silently indoors. Silence afforded them protection but 
also limited the possibilities of the relationship. 
If we ascribe to the notion of sexuality as ?one nodal point in a network, rather than a 
discrete object of scrutiny?63,  it  becomes clear that sexuality is  about far more than just the 
sexual act, sexuality is tied to social status, morality, religiosity, identity, community and various 
other  context  specific  social  institutions64.   In  this  context  sexuality  and  more  specifically 
?compulsory heterosexuality?65 is  tied to cultural  notions of  honour,  family  respectability  and 
gender performance. 
At  the  end  of  matric  their  relationship  ends.   There  was mutual  disappointment  as 
neither party was able to articulate their needs. They couldn?t talk about their future together, it 
63
 6
  Bhattacharyya, G. 2002, Sexuality and society: an introduction. p21. London : Routledge
 64
 6
  As noted by Edward Brenner in The Anthropology of Experience ?meaning is present in the here and now?. By noting 
that meaning is context specific we are able to become aware of ?cultural particularities? rather than forcing 
homogenous readings on people and society. Also see Srivastava Srivastava, S. 2003, 3rd IASSC conference held in 
Johannesburg, Plenary address, Complicating ?sexuality?, contesting ?secrecy?
 65
 6
  Adrienne Rich, ?Compulsory Heterosexuality?, in The Gay and Lesbian Studies Reader, 1993, ed Abelove, H, Barale, 
M, A. & Halperin, D, M.
 66
was a given,  there  was no future.   Their  relationship ends because their  love  is  considered 
subversive not because they are no longer attracted to each other. The night before Jameela 
leaves  for  Cape Town they have sex  for  the  first  time signalling  the existing  emotional  and 
physical attraction.  That night is the first time they talk about their relationship.
 In that conversation she was saying that I abandoned her and that I didn?t I didn?t voice the need 
to have a future with her and I said to her I couldn?t see how that could be possible in the context 
that we were living in. I  needed to be financially independent in order to make decisions for 
myself in the first instance, and in the second instance there was a lot of other things I wanted to 
do in my life apart from settling down with one person, that wasn?t the primary thing that I 
wanted. But if I?d known that that was what was expected of me I would have, offered to stay 
around despite the other things that I had wanted to pursue.
 Speaking about their relationship meant they would have to name their desires. As noted by 
Audre Lorde (1980: 42) ?the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-
 revelation, and that always seems fraught with danger.?66  Rather than vocalise their love they 
choose  silence  because  it  seems  like  the  safer  option.  They  feared  exposure  for  being 
themselves, for being different, and for being WLW. 
They had not cultivated a space for open communication in their relationship. Silence 
had created a protective bubble of around their love. The couple had never seen any examples 
of their  relationship,  they had no idea how to sustain a relationship like theirs  given that it 
transgressed such fundamental social mores.  If  talking is a form of validation then the ?not-
 saying? resulted in their mutual disappointment. Jameela and Fatima were used to mobilising 
66
 6
  Audre, Lorde. 1980. ?The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action? in Sister Outsider. P42. 
67
silence  for  their  protection;  they  had  kept  their  love  a  secret  for  so  long  that  now  they 
themselves were unable to talk about their relationship.
 The silence that had protected their love from outside intrusion, also served to smother 
hopes of being a ?real couple?. According to Jameela if they had been a heterosexual couple their 
marriage would have probably been blessed and arranged by then. Although their relationship 
had ?officially? ended they continued to see each other sporadically for twenty years. It was clear 
that the sexual transgression of coming out as lesbian was too much for Fatima, it was not a life 
she could lead. It is one thing to have a relationship (physical and emotional) with a woman, but 
another thing to call yourself a ?lesbian?67.
 Jameela, Vaneshree and Preeti have all had relationships with women who were not 
comfortable with being visibly gay. This points to two things namely; that sexuality is fluid and 
far from the binary terms we use to describe it,  and that pressure is exerted on us and our 
sexualities to conform to heterosexist ideals. 
Marriage As A Way Out
 I grew up in the context where it wasn?t given that you were going to go and study. And you had 
to fight for being different not just on a level of sexuality but also if you wanted to study as a 
woman  and  not  follow  the  path  that  had  been  predetermined  for  you  as  in  marriage  and 
children. And, I tried to work out how I was going to do this?
 67
 6
  Foucault is one of the earliest promulgators of this perspective. In his book The History of Sexuality (1976) he 
discusses how the homosexual as a separate and deviant category was created. Jeffery Weeks also engages with this 
issue in his book Against Nature (1991)  where he talks about how ?homosexual? behaviour is not the same as a 
?homosexual? identity. 
68
Behaving ?well? earns you social currency within the context of the neighbourhood, but what is 
the  cost  of  this  social  approval?   Marriage  is  an  important  rites  of  passage  in  the  Indian 
community. When you marry you become a ?responsible adult?.   It does not have to be a happy 
marriage just a productive one, i.e. bear children68. Jameela sees marriage as ?a stepping stone? 
to her eventual freedom. Marriage is a social institution which affords the individual a position 
of privileged in our society. Even though Jameela is aware that marriage as an institution can be 
oppressive (particularly to women) she entertains the idea of getting married, because therein 
lies the possibility of divorce. In our society divorced women are afforded more freedom than 
single women. They can operate as autonomous individuals because they have graduated from 
girlhood into adulthood. Here exists the contradiction that in order to actualise her freedom she 
has to accept the bondage of marriage and even sex with a man. 
Jameela gets engaged to the son of a family friend.  But three months into the fa?ade 
Jameela starts to question her motives. She asked herself if marriage is supposed to be ?natural? 
and ?normal? why are so many people unhappily married (her parents included)? Why do people 
look for affections outside of marriage and have affairs? Jameela saw the hypocrisy in society 
and this made her question the lie she was endorsing. What was she resigning herself to by 
doing what was expected of  her,  by doing the ?right  thing??   She proceeds to sabotage the 
relationship, behaving belligerently hoping that her fianc? would tire of her antics and call off 
the engagement. To her dismay he shrugs off her theatrics as a case of ?cold? but not ?frozen? 
feet. Jameela explains to her fianc? that she is not ready to get married. Her fianc? being a very 
understanding fellow accepts her decision and their engagement is called off.  Jameela?s parents 
were mortified because in those days a broken engagement was ?like a death sentence?. 
68
 6
  See Suparna Bhaskaran 2004, Made In India: Decolonizations, Queer Sexualities, Trans/National Projects and Maya 
Sharma, 2006, Loving Women: Being Lesbian in Underprivileged India discuss the emphasis placed on marriage in 
India. 
69
My parents were obviously very upset and it was the first time in their, experience that a child 
was  rebelling  against  something  so  serious  and  the  shame  of  it.  In  those  days  a  broken 
engagement was like a death sentence. But  my sisters were very good about persuading my 
parents It was late seventies. The issue around wanting to breaking out of that community and 
that way of life was not only about sexuality, it was about politics, it was about values, it was 
about wanting to be an academic, wanting different things for myself.
 Going against her parents so blatantly is one of the hardest things Jameela has ever had to do. 
The agreement to get married is not an agreement between two people alone; it includes their 
families  and  communities.  Jameela  backtracking  on  this  agreement  reflected  badly  on  her 
character and brought shame to the family name69.  People would be talking about the broken 
engagement for weeks if not months. The family would have to come up with a reason/excuse 
for  their  daughter?s  transgression.  I  say  it  is  better  to  have  a  broken  engagement  than  an 
unhappy marriage.  
  Her older sisters act as buffers during this tumultuous time.  They are understanding and 
supportive  because  they  identified  with  Jameela?s  struggle  for  her  freedom  and  personal 
autonomy.  All of her older sisters were forced into arranged marriages and this experience had 
severely  traumatised  them.   None  of  her  sisters  were  happy  in  their  marriages,  with  no 
alternatives  presented  to  them  (and  no  education),  they  were  shackled  into  a  lifetime  of 
dependency, more so once they had children. From their predicaments it was clear to Jameela 
that the power relations that exist between men and women, is skewed in the formers favour. 
She  sees  that  it  is  difficult  for  a  woman to live  a  life  independent  of  a  man,  and  financial 
69
 6
 .  In Maya Sharma?s (2006) beautifully written book Loving Women: she examines how honour is tied to family 
name and social capital, especially when people have little or no resources their honour/name is all that they have to 
maintain a sense of dignity amidst undignified conditions. 
70
independence for women is instrumental (albeit not the only thing needed) to breaking this 
unhealthy co-dependency. 
Her parent?s  marriage was arranged and according to Jameela this  arrangement was 
restrictive to the personal liberties/freedoms of both parties. Jameela believes that her father 
felt trapped into the role of father and husband before he was ready; therefore he tended to be 
quite aloof and distant with respects to his family. Her father spent most of his time outside the 
house while her mother took charge of the household and cared for the children. She saw that 
while her mother had her own interests, she was unable to pursue them independently, because 
the family came first. Her mother was very talented but all of her ambitions/desires took a back 
seat to her roles as wife and mother. Jameela says that the women in her family were beyond 
their time and they felt restricted and controlled by this system of cultural patriarchy. Women 
were not encouraged to become self-made they were expected to be dependent on men for 
social,  physical  and  financial  protection  and  be  dependent  on  other  women  for  emotional 
support. 
Education for Independence, an Acceptable Transgression 
For as long as she can remember she wanted to study to law. She was accepted by almost every 
university in the country but her father failed to see the benefit of educating a girl  child, he 
believed that a woman?s work is inside the house. There were hardly any girls in her area who 
had received tertiary education and even if they did educate themselves the end expected result 
was marriage and child-rearing70.  Therefore educating a girl would be an investment lost. 
70
 7
  See Frederick Engels Origins of the Family, Private Property, and the State (1884)on the situation of women in the 
family, as well as Bhaskaran, S., 2004, Made In India: Decolonizations, Queer Sexualities, Trans/National for role 
occupied by Indian women in the family 
71
Jameela is now more than ever determined to study, she believes that by educating 
herself she will be able be to support herself and break this dependency on men71.  Jameela runs 
away to Cape Town where she enrols for a BA at the University of Cape Town (UCT). When word 
gets out that she is gone to Cape Town to study, concerned parents in the community converge 
at her house. They want to know why her parents allowed her to go so far away from home. To 
avoid a social scandal her father, Essop, says that Jameela left with their blessings to further her 
studies. He further added that Jameela was a good student who always wanted to go and study. 
To  avoid  people  talking  Essop  claims  her  actions.  Instead  of  being  the  parent  with  an 
?uncontrollable? child he has a good daughter who is bettering herself, which will then benefit 
the  community.   Although  Essop takes  ownership  for  her  actions  and  appears  to  be  in  full 
support of his daughter, in reality this is not the case. Essop does not speak to her for four years 
because she had run away. She was able to do what he could not, she was able to choose for 
herself, even if her choices meant going against the highest figures of authority in your life, your 
parents72.  
there was an immense, a lot of anger and not understanding what this was about. Why is my 
child doing this? 
71
 7
  It has been about three years since she finished school and by doing ?odd jobs? as often as possible she was able to 
save enough money for the first year of university.  
72
 7
  Your  parents  are  supposed to  be  your  universe,  your  world.  In  Hindu  theology  Shiva  was  given  a  beautiful 
scrumptious mango and was told to give it to his favourite son. Shiva having two sons, not wanting to pick favourites, 
told both his sons that whoever went around the world first would win the mango. His youngest son, Lord Muruga 
wasting no time set  off  swiftly  travelling  around the world  on  his  peacock.  His  eldest  son,  Ganesha  who had a 
penchant for food was more sluggish in movements. But being very bright, he got his mother (Parvati) and father 
(Shiva) together. He walked around them, declaring that they were his world and universe. Ganesha got the mango. 
This theme of respecting your parents and treating them like your God no matter what is present in many Bollywood 
movies  that  supposedly postulate  ?proper Indian values?.  For an example of this see the movie  Bagbhan starring 
Amitabh Bhachan 
72
When you transgress social mores you are seen to be bringing disrepute to your family name, 
accompanied with the threat/fear of being ostracised by the community. Rather than appearing 
as an incongruent unit, the appearance of unity is purported by all the members of the family. 
While there was a lot of tension inside the house, according to the people in her community 
Jameela was a pioneer. 
After Jameela left  Marabastad to go university what followed was a number of  girls 
requesting the same. Parents started compromising by agreeing to send their girls to racially 
demarcated universities closer to home73.  In Johannesburg this meant you attended WITS or 
went to teacher?s training college. According to Jameela the Indian community in Marabastad 
was beginning to realise that skills were required beyond ?those of a general dealership?, and 
that girls?  could become far more valuable to their  families if  they were given skills  beyond 
domestic work. 
When Jameela?s  younger sister  matriculated it  was understood that  she was going  to  go to 
university. Even though her father ?bitched about finances? whether or not she would be allowed 
to attend wasn?t even a debate, which signified the change in how the family and namely her 
father,  viewed  women.   This  was  one  battle  won.  Education  gave  Jameela  her  personal 
autonomy. When her father saw how well she was doing at university he would brag to people in 
the community about her,  although he never told her himself  that  he was proud of  her,  in 
moments he would show her that he was74. 
73
 7
  Therefore enabling parents to monitor their girl?s actions. 
74
 7
  For example when he offered to pay for her LLB degree. She had managed to secure a partial scholarship and when 
he heard her talking to university personnel saying that she only had some of the money, he offered to pay the rest, 
saying that he remembers as a small girl she always wanted to be a lawyer.  This moment touches Jameela as it 
signifies an end to the rift they had in their relationship because she defied his authority and ran away to study. 
73
I was determined to live my life the way that I wanted to live it. And If I had to sacrifice my family 
bonds then so be it. So I was quite out there remote for a while in a space that felt dislodged and 
rudderless in one way, but in another way was quite exhilarating because I was learning about my 
own strengths and my own realities, making that happen for me. When I was seventeen, I felt 
that, if I  had lived there, I  would have gone from one tunnel to another tunnel without ever 
seeing the sunlight. And that I wanted to see the sunlight and I wanted to live it. So I think it 
wasn?t just sexuality, because in fact it wasn?t sexuality that was driving me, it was other things 
mainstream community and mainstream society could relate to my struggles. She wants to study, 
nobody said she wants to be gay you know. I would have stopped being gay if I had gotten to 
study you know. Theoretically speaking. I will never have stopped [we both laugh].  
Jameela?s main aim/battle is to get to university, not to be gay. Her struggle was one that people 
could to relate to, she finds an acceptable compromise; people would understand her leaving 
home to study, they would not be as understanding if she left to be gay. Sexuality was not the 
sole motivation for leaving, but Jameela knew that being away from home would give her the 
freedom to be, and to express her sexuality uninhibited.   Jameela would have endorsed the 
charade that she was ?straight? if it meant that she would get the opportunity to study. Leaving 
Marabastad was her primary objective.  She knew that there was more to life, and she would 
seize it, even if it meant feeling ?rudderless and dislodged? along the way. 
I didn?t even know how to kiss a girl - Vaneshree?s first time
 Vaneshree decided to study nursing in Johannesburg. She packed up and headed towards the 
bright lights eGoli, Johannesburg where she moved into a medical residence in town. According 
74
to Achille Mbembe (2004: 355) ?the city operates as a site of fantasy, desire and imagination?75. 
Vaneshree  enjoyed  the  freedom  of  being  away  from  home.  She  was  for  the  most  part, 
anonymous, no history and no expectations. Vaneshree did not have t worry about what people 
might say because she was far removed from her community. This gave Vaneshree the space to 
explore her sexuality without accountability, albeit not without tension. 
Vaneshree was involved with a guy whom she had known throughout her high school 
career. They got engaged but unfortunately he passed away in a car accident. After a while she 
started dating other guys but something wasn?t right with these relationships. Vaneshree felt as 
if something was missing from these relationships but she wasn?t sure what. Feeling uninspired 
by the men around her she decided to ?go solo? for a year, busying herself with her studies. 
In 1999 she met a woman was also in the medical profession, a paramedic. Initially she 
thought that the woman was a man because she was ?so butch looking?. At the time Vaneshree 
was ?looking particularly hot? so she was accustomed to receiving attention from the opposite 
sex. She was shocked to discover that it was a woman pursuing her, but clearly not shocked 
enough to stop the flirtation. 
Vaneshree  knew  that  she  was  going  against  societal  precepts  by  pursuing  this 
relationship.   She knew that she was capable of  feeling more than she had in her previous 
relationships. Even if culture and tradition said that this was wrong she knew and felt otherwise. 
The level of intimacy she felt with this woman surpassed what she had felt with her fianc?. 
Because of culture and tradition she was led to believe that there was only one way of being 
which made her feel like ?a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.?  She had doubted herself 
thinking that maybe she was the one with intimacy issues but now she was in a relationship 
where ?it felt right? and ?emotions had a place?. 
75
 7
  Mbembe, A. Public Culture, ?Writing the world from an African Metropolis?. in Public Culture 16(3): 355. 2004. 
 
75
Although she was not sure what to expect from this relationship she was willing to take 
the  risk,  even  if  it  meant  going  against  her  culture,  tradition,  family  responsibilities  and 
expectations. Vaneshree decided if she couldn?t find a Mr. Right she could be happy with a Ms. 
Right. Vaneshree knew that this was ?the real deal?, and that she would encounter difficulties if 
she tried to enjoy this relationship openly. She keeps her relationship a secret and conducts it 
under the guise of ?friendship?. 
I think that the stumbling block I hit was that I couldn?t openly say that I?m a lesbian.  I couldn?t 
openly say that I was involved with a woman so in terms of disguise my family still believed I had 
a boy friend, I had a partner, yes of course there was this person that was phoning me there was 
this person that sent me messages when they came over they would find teddy bears in my 
room, I wouldn?t be buying them for myself, you know, and they?d find love bites on my neck for 
example and that couldn?t happen on its own you know and I had to justify that, and the only 
justification was to say I had a boy friend, you know,  I don?t think I wanted to calm the storm but 
if we go on further in this conversation you will realise why I say that I didn?t want to come out  
then and say to them you know what actually I am lesbian. 
Vaneshree was unable to call herself a lesbian publicly. Yes she was having a love affair with 
another woman but she couldn?t bring herself to declare this love publicly76. Her parents were 
under the impression that she was involved with a man. Given that heterosexuality is the norm 
they  just  assumed  that  she  liked  men,  and  Vaneshree  chose  not  to  tell  them  otherwise. 
Vaneshree was not explicit about her sexuality and like Jameela she understood the need for 
?strategic  silence?.  This silence or not saying gave Vaneshree the space she needed ?to make 
76
 7
  For accounts such as this one where women engage in same-sex relationships but choose not to call themselves 
anything because they don?t identify with western terms such as lesbian, or don?t even know that there is a word for 
their love see Sharma, M. 2006. Loving Women: Being Lesbian in Underprivileged India. New Dehli: Yoda Press
 76
sense of  things?77.  This  silence  was not  without  tension,  by  remaining  silent  their  love  was 
relegated  to  the  realm  of  friendship.   Not  being  able  to  express  their  relationship  publicly 
endorsed  the  notion  that  this  love  was  ?unnatural?  or  ?deviant?.  They  were  treated  as  two 
girlfriends (i.e.  girls  who were friends) and not afforded the respect and social status that a 
monogamous heterosexual  couple  would receive.  Personally  I  can relate to  this  because my 
relationship with my partner is often relegated to the friendship realm, when outsiders refer to 
us.  
Sexuality is unlike other social markers such as race and sex which are ?visible? on your 
body. It is only when you are a gender bender, i.e. a femme man or butch woman, that your 
sexuality is called into question78.  All of my respondents are feminine women who ?look straight? 
i.e. not butch dyke. Therefore all of them are assumed ?straight? before they declare/disclose 
otherwise.  In our society, heterosexuality is the all  pervasive form of being; it  surrounds us 
?undeclared?79, until it is challenged by alternative interpretations of sexuality80. 
Turning Point: Cancer and the End of the Affair
 In 1998 Vaneshree develops cancer. This is the most difficult battle she has ever had to fight. 
Vaneshree was physically and emotionally drained by the whole experience. Her lover was very 
77
 7
  This is why Jameela says that she is one of the fortunate ones for always knowing she was gay. If you always knew 
that you were gay you can start strategising from a young age whereas if it happens later in life when you?ve already 
started to live to a heterosexual life it is a severe culture shock. There are a lot of issues you have to deal with 
internally (understanding the shift in feelings) and externally (accountability to family, children, husband, boyfriend, 
parents, society).
 78
 7
  See Judith Butler ?Imitation and Gender Insubordination? p307-p321, and Monique Wittig ?One Is Not Born a 
Woman?, p103-110 both in The Lesbian and Gay Studies reader, as well as Majorie Garbers book Vested Interests, on 
the construction of gender (as performance) and its representations.
 79
 7
  Heterosexuals don?t have to disclose their status. 
80
 8
  Bhattacharyya, G. 2002. Sex and Society: an Introduction.  London: Routledge,
 77
supportive while she was sick, and after many sessions of chemotherapy the cancer goes into 
remission. During this time Vaneshree discovers that her lover has been unfaithful numerous 
times, even while she was sick.  Feeling hurt and frustrated Vaneshree realises that this was not 
the kind of relationship she wanted to be in. Aware of life?s fragility she could not contend with 
such unhappiness. Cancer forced her to look inward and become ?self-aware?, instead of looking 
to others for meaning she was going to find her own rhythm of life. 
Vaneshree?s hurt and confusion made her doubt her sexual orientation. She gave voice 
and space to the negativity associated with same-sex desires. This relationship with a woman 
didn?t work so maybe she wasn?t a lesbian after all.  Maybe she was looking for something else 
maybe this wasn?t love? Maybe she was projecting the fact that she wasn?t very close to her 
mother and yearned for a nurturing female figure in her life? She wasn?t sure where she stood in 
relation to her sexuality and she didn?t have anyone to discuss these feelings with. Vaneshree 
felt alone. She analysed her feelings and actions in terms of what religion, culture, society and 
tradition says, because these were her points of reference and her sources of refuge.  Feeling 
constrained and cocooned by her culture, Vaneshree asks herself; ?How do I continue being who 
I am in a world that exists in culture and tradition? When the relationship ends she spends her 
time reflecting and introspecting, trying to resolve her tumultuous emotional state.  
Vaneshree is single for quite a while before she meets Fikile who is her current lover. 
They meet purely by chance through a mutual friend at Reigerpark Clinic. It was love at first sight 
for Fikile. Smitten she sources Vaneshree?s phone number (not knowing whether she is gay or 
not) and their telephonic romancing begins. By then things felt so natural that Vaneshree didn?t 
question her sexuality. She loves Fikile and that?s all she needs to know81. 
81
 8
  Fikile being a LGBTQI activist probably assisted Vaneshree in accepting her same-sex desires. Fikile has always been 
open and unapologetic about her ?lesbianism?.  
78
And my identity  by then was that  it  feels  so natural  to be with a woman that  I  didn?t  even 
question it. You know, like I said, I was still analysing in my head whether this is the right thing to 
do. You know, or is it better just to stay single and just let everyone talk what they want to talk82 
but what I realised in the process is that, this is who I am. And I think my happiness matters. If 
you are happy with a guy, I can?t force, when you go out there today and find a guy for yourself I 
don?t say anything, I don?t ask ?Why does he have this colour hair you know? Why does he wear 
these earrings? Why does he dress like this? Why doesn?t he dress like this?? you know, I don?t do 
that I accept him for who he is, your family will accept you for who he is. So why not accept me 
for who I am? 
According  to  Vaneshree  your  sexual  partner  is  a  reflection  on  you;  you  will  be  ?measured? 
according to the choice to make. If you make a ?good? choice your family will accept you and him 
and  if  you  make  a  ?bad?  choice  your  family  will  not  accept  the  relationship.  Like  Jameela, 
Vaneshree felt torn between two lives; the one laid out to her by cultural conventions for ?a good 
Indian girl? and the one she wanted/desired/needed to live. In their context these two choices 
were  mutually  exclusive  i.e.  good=convention,  bad=transgression.  Women  are  grown  up 
believing  that  their  needs and desires  are secondary to  that  of  their  husband and children, 
forever the care-givers but never the care given.  Even if she lived a lie to make others happy, 
they will still find something to talk about. Vaneshree realised that this was who she is; she was 
WLW,  and  her  ?happiness  matters?.  Vaneshree  had  found  her  freedom.  According  to  her, 
freedom` is not doing what you want to do; freedom is knowing who you are and being it.
   
I haven?t given much thought to my gayness. - Preeti
 82
 8
  Asexuality is also a sexual mode of being that raises concern in the community unless it is abstinence for religious 
purposes. I can relate to this because I was single for many years before I got involved with anyone and my asexuality 
was always a topic of discussion amongst my friends and cousins.  
79
Preeti didn?t give much thought to her ?gayness?. She just did what felt ?nice?.  Preeti had her first  
same-sex  experience  with  her  best  friend  from  high  school  Oshun.  Although  Preeti  does 
remember earlier sexual play with another girl when she was six years old, she considers it child 
hood games rather  than her  first  real  sexual  encounter.  She and Oshun attended the same 
Durban girls? high school. According to Preeti one rainy day while they were walking home from 
school chatting and enjoying the rain on their skin as the droplets made their way through the 
mandatory  white  tunic.  Oshun  stopped  and  slowly  but  suddenly  kissed  Preeti.  Preeti  was 
pleasantly surprised; she enjoyed the kiss so they continue to do so in the rain.  Oshun and 
Preeti start having a romantic and sexual relationship. They would meet after school at each 
other?s  houses  and  being  of  the  same-sex  they  were  able  to  spend  copious  amounts  of 
unsupervised time together.  
We would have sleepovers at, and when people would ask who she is I would say that she is just 
the school friend. No one said anything or suspected anything.
 No one said anything but Preeti  suspected that her sister Apsara knew, although she never 
broached the topic. They both maintained the silence and the secrecy around the relationship. 
Apsara did not want to disturb the fragile equilibrium at home, and nothing maintains the status 
quo better than silence.
 According  to  Preeti  she cared a  lot  about  Oshun but  it  was  youthful  love,  a  school 
romance  not  something  so  intense  that  she  might  consider  building  a  life  with  her.   The 
relationship starts to sour, as Oshun felt that Preeti was too aloof and didn?t give her enough 
attention while Preeti felt that Oshun was far too possessive and needy. Whenever Preeti tried 
80
to leave, Oshun would threaten suicide or she would threaten to disclose the true nature of their 
relationship  to  Preeti?s  family.  Feeling  ?emotionally  drained?  Preeti  decided  to  end  their 
relationship in the first term of matric. In retaliation Oshun called Preeti?s father and told him 
that she had been romantically involved with his daughter from the time they were fifteen years 
old.  Preeti?s  father who had never shown any keen interest  in his  children?s  lives,  dismissed 
Oshun?s claims, he was of the opinion that that the two friends must have had ?some teenage 
fight? which led to the wild accusations being made by Oshun.  
Family Values: Gender Roles and Responsibilities 
Preeti wanted to become a doctor she applied but was not accepted so instead she enrolled for 
a  medical  science degree at  the University  of  Durban Westville  (UDW).  Her father as usual, 
instead  of  offering  support,  insults  calling  her  a  ?disappointment?  amongst  other  things. 
Although her father refuses to fund Preeti?s studies directly (because he didn?t think that girls 
should be educated) she gets a bursary from the company he works for. While it was clear that 
Preeti?s father favoured his sons funding all their business ventures, he made sure that his family 
was ?taken care of? financially. Even the extended family relied on him for financial support, as 
almost every family member made a living directly or indirectly through one of his businesses. 
The fact that he was the mota papa83 meant that he was a law unto himself; even the abuse he 
lashed out went on without him being reprimanded. Once again, what happens in the family 
stays in the family.  Rather than tarnish the family name by exposing the father?s abuse, the 
family decides to ignore and endure. 
83
 8
  ?Big Daddy? in Gujerati
 81
Just before she begins varsity Preeti is dealt a severe blow. Her step mother dies in her 
arms from an asthma attack. Her life takes a downward spiral  because her mother was ?the 
cement that kept things together?. To make matters worse, while the children were still trying to 
deal with the death of their mother, her father brings his young Jewish girlfriend (who is slightly 
older than Preeti) to move in with them. The children were devastated because this was their 
mother?s house, and by Preeti?s accounts ?seeing this woman prance around in her place was like 
rubbing salt in an open wound?. With the death of their mother, the two oldest girls (Preeti and 
her older sister Apsara) had to now run the house, which meant tending to their father and his 
girlfriend?s needs. 
He was really spoilt, I mean he?s one of those typical Indian men that would go to work with a 
picnic basket of hot food and roti.  We [Preeti and Apsara] had to tend to all of that. His 20-
 something girlfriend couldn?t do anything for herself she was totally helpless beyond?
 Preeti failed her first year of university and she attributes this to the persistent physical and 
emotional abuse she had to endure from her father. As a ?good Indian girl? she was expected to 
cook and be able to fulfil numerous domestic duties. It is interesting to note that her father did 
not expect a similar form of femininity from his White girlfriend. His new girlfriend was not 
expected to do the chores that this wife did, instead that role was to be filled by Preeti and her 
sister.   
Leaving Home to Study: A Quest for Personal Autonomy
 82
Given the tumultuous arrangement at home Preeti decided that it would be best if she studied 
away from home. She enrolled at the University of the Transkei (Unitra) where she passed all her 
subjects. She applied to study medicine and was unfortunately rejected a second time. Shelving 
the idea of medicine, she returned to Durban and enrolled at UDW for a medical science degree. 
According to Preeti returning to the craziness of her family life put her under immense stress, so 
much so that she failed yet again.  This time her family was of the sentiment that she should quit 
her studies and get married, according to Preeti it was clear to them that she was ?too stupid to 
study anything?.  
I didn?t quite agree with that obviously. So I snuck off one day and I went to Medunsa and I 
enrolled there and that?s when I started doing dentistry
 At Medunsa Preeti met her first boyfriend called Nirvan. According to Preeti this was her first 
?serious? adult relationship and she describes Nirvan as a ?quite camp? male individual84.   She 
loved him and she could have gotten married to him but she was not  in love with him.  She 
never ?lusted after him? and she found the sex ?quite disappointing?.  Preeti believes that this 
relationship was an attempt on her part ?to do the right thing? i.e. conform to heterosexuality. 
She didn?t want to appear dysfunctional or deviant she wanted to appear ?normal?. 
Her  relationship  Nirvan  was  both  physically  and  emotionally  abusive.  Preeti  was 
duplicating her home situation because she had grown accustomed to violence, as a means of 
communication and control.  She started abusing alcohol and would cause a ruckus at the hostel 
84
 8
  Insinuating that he too could have been a closet gay. 
83
residence85. Preeti tried to kill herself by overdosing on pills but Nirvan was able to reach her in 
time to induce vomiting and save her. 
the relationship [with Nirvan] was an absolute nightmare. We fought a lot he clearly didn?t want 
to be in the relationship and I was gay
 The relationship was horrible for the both of them. He clearly had his issues and Preeti knew 
that she was gay. Although Preeti does not talk directly about Nirvan?s issues she hints that he 
might have been a closet gay. She failed yet another year at university and started to doubt her 
herself; maybe she didn?t have what it takes to study? Maybe she should get married or go and 
work in the family shop like everyone else. As Preeti recalls it, one day she just ?woke up?, and it  
is only when you wake up do you realise that you?ve been sleeping. 
 She decided to focus her mind on the task at hand which was to complete her studies. 
Preeti knew that she wanted more from life, more than what had been predetermined for her. 
And she believed that by becoming a professional she would be able to realise her dreams. She 
ended her dead-end relationship with Nirvan and focused all her attention on her studies.  In the 
process Preeti  starts  dating  a really  good friend of  hers  called Swastika.  This  is  Preeti?s  first 
relationship that is nurturing and loving, with Swastika she is replenished not just drained. Preeti 
describes this relationship as a magical encounter of like minds and souls. They connected, and 
they ?got each other? and the time they spent together were some of her happiest moments. 
Swastika  was not  comfortable  with  having  a  relationship  with  another  woman according  to 
Preeti she ?had huge issues with being gay?. For Swastika her relationship with Preeti could never 
85
 8
  On one occasion she kicked the door to her boyfriend?s room down. Because she had grown up with violence, 
Preeti says that she herself had a terribly violent streak. Now she deals with her problems differently but then being 
violent and aggressive was her first response when she felt as if the situation was out of her control. 
84
extend beyond the university walls, she did not see their relationship as a viable alternative to 
heterosexuality.  
Their  complicated  relationship  lasted  for  the  three  years  that  it  took  them both  to 
complete  their  respective  degrees.   When  they  graduated  they  both  returned  home  and 
Swastika got married to a man. According to Preeti, Swastika came from a very controlling family 
that had ?mapped out her whole life?. Swastika was not allowed to live a life of her own making 
instead she had to succumb to her family wishes. Unlike Preeti, Jameela and Vaneshree she was 
unable to challenge her family?s moral authority. Swastika like Jameela?s father felt confined by 
cultural precepts and was unable to rebel against these institutions.  Ironically because Preeti 
had grown up unsupervised since the death of her mother, the only person she was answerable 
to was herself. Therefore she did not have to deal with any ?greater societal pressure? to the 
same extent as Swastika , there was no one watching how she lived, and if people did talk she 
didn?t  care,  according  to  Preeti  she  had  enough  problems  of  her  own.   Although  she 
acknowledges if she had ?come out? as gay to her Gujerati community, it would have been social 
suicide.
  Preeti?s situation is similar to Jameela?s, she was comfortable with being gay, she had 
accepted herself, however the woman she was seeing was not comfortable with her same-sex 
desires. It is easy to have a sex and ?play house? with a woman temporarily but it is far more 
complicated  to  acknowledge  the  love  relationship  as  a  viable  and  valid  alternative  to  the 
heterosexual model86.  Preeti was very disappointed when her relationship with Swastika ended 
because according to her she really ?fell hard? for this woman. Seeing how difficult it can be for a 
single woman to make her own life?s choices in the Indian community, Preeti was determined to 
86
 8
  In the U.S.A there has been a lot written on same-sex relationships amongst women on university residences. Girls 
play at being gay, due to homosocialisation, till they have to assume ?proper? woman roles i.e. get marriage and have 
babies.  
85
be in a position of personal autonomy.   This meant that she would have to become financially 
independent  from  her  monster  of  a  father.  She  ?applied  her  mind?  and  ?finished  dentistry 
without failing a year?. She relocated and to Johannesburg and her life was her own.  
Comparative Analysis
 Heteronormativity, Sexuality and Gender Performance  
Homosexual  behaviour  has  always  been  present  in  society  however  the  meaning  of  that 
behaviour  has  differed  across  time  and  space87.  In  our  context  homosexual  behaviour  has 
become  equated  with  a  homosexual  or  gay  identity.  Homosexual  behaviour  has  also  been 
constructed as a deviant behaviour. All of the stories reflect an awareness that their same-sex 
desires ran concurrently and in alleged opposition to normative sexuality. They understood that 
if they pursued their love publicly and openly, they would more than likely encounter hostility 
from the community around them. As noted by Bhattacharyya (2002: 21) ?heteronormativity is a 
far reaching ideology of public compliance? propagating only one way of living.
 Heteronormativity means that results in women calling their lovers ?friends? and on the 
flip makes society, friends and family call loved ones ?friends? even if the relationship is declared . 
Many  Indian  WLW  render  their  loves  and  lives  mute  by  complying  with  a  veneer  of 
heterosexuality  rather  than  risk  exposure  for  flouting  societal  norms.  The  veneer  of 
heterosexuality can be maintained in various ways. It is especially easy to comply with when one 
adopts normative performances of gender. By that I mean that your gender performance is not 
at ?odds? with your biological sex. In our Western context gender is inextricably linked to the 
87
 8
  See Gayle Rubin?s Radical Notes for Sexual theory and with particular reference to ?homosexualities? see Jeffrey 
Weeks, 1991, Against Nature: essays on history, sexuality and identity
 86
biological sex of the body88.  Heterosexuality for all of the women was assumed because they all 
look like ?normal? or ?proper? women.  They are not ?butch looking? therefore it is not assumed 
that they are lesbian89.  People have stereotyped ideas of what a ?gay? person looks like i.e. butch 
woman or femme male.  Gender is seen to be the determining factor in ones sexuality in this 
instance. Therefore if you are not a ?masculine?, macho man or if you are not a ?feminine? woman 
you  must  be  gay.  All  of  my  respondents  were  able ?pass?  as  straight  unless  they  declared 
otherwise. This ?passing? reinforced the silence that surrounds same-sex relationships amongst 
women as silence maintains the status quo. 
Because of the taboo associated with same-sex desires all of the women had to think 
about their sexuality in relation to society. Existing outside of the norm they interrogated their 
sexuality in ways that heterosexual woman are rarely pushed to do so. They interrogated their 
feelings and grew to accept and understand their desires.  Your sexual relationship is a social 
relation after all, afforded a particular status in society90. For Jameela the mental processing of 
her  desires  happened before she acted on them. She knew early  on that  she liked women 
however her early explorations were done with books rather than with people.  For Vaneshree 
and Preeti the actions happened before they had any thoughts about their sexuality. In fact it is 
only  after  their  same-sex  experiences  do they  start  questioning  the models  that  have been 
presented to them. Vaneshree says that she didn?t even know how to be sexual with a woman, 
this is partly attributed to us being bombarded with heterosexual male centred representations 
of sex. 
88
 8
  See Judith Butler, Bodies That Matter: on the discursive limits of ?sex?. 1993. New York: Routledge 
89
 8
  Gender is seen to be the determining factor in ones sexuality in this instance. Therefore if you are not a 
?masculine?, macho man or if you are not a ?feminine? woman you must be gay. 
90
 9
  Rubin, Gayle. (1984). Thinking Sex: Notes for a Radical Theory of the Politics of Sexuality
 87
From their stories of romance it is clear that all initial loves/relationships be they straight 
or gay are learning curves. It has been argued by sexual theorists such as Bhattacharyya that 
romance itself is constructed around heterosexual ideals91. What is different in the context of 
same-sex love is that often this love is a ?secret? ? it is ?closeted?. Therefore all learning loving and 
heartbreak takes place silently and quietly. None of the women interviewed were able to talk 
about their  relationships to those closest  to them, that in itself  says much about the taboo 
nature of  same-sex desires in the Indian community and in South Africa.  According to Ruth 
Morgan of GALA, WLW get into the habit of keeping their loves a secret as a result few ever get 
used to expressing their sexuality openly92. 
Notions of Honour, Respectability and Responsibility: Silence, Secrecy and Gender
 Given  that  same-sex  relationships  are  considered  taboo  in  the  Indian  community  (and  in 
numerous other communities locally and internationally) all of the women saw the need to be 
strategic about the contexts in which they disclosed/divulged/exposed their sexuality. They had 
to experience their first loves and heartbreak quietly and alone. Jameela was not able to speak 
to anyone about her relationship with Fatima, and because of internal homophobia they were 
unable to talk about their relationship as a couple. They could not talk about their relationship 
because underlying their love was a feeling that they were doing wrong in the community?s eye.
 For both Jameela and Preeti who had their first same-sex experiences as young girls, the outing 
of one?s sexual orientation to the family would have been unwise to say the least. They wielded 
91
 9
  See Bhattacharyya, Gargi, Sexuality and Society : an introduction. 2002.
 92
 9
  For more see the GALA archives for life histories of WLW especially the interviews done by Mary Louw with women 
from Eldoradopark. 
88
neither the moral, cultural or material authority to rebel against their family and community. 
Instead remaining secretive about their love offered their relationship a protective bubble in 
which to exist. For Vaneshree the first sexual experience with another woman happened later in 
life, yet she too opted for silence and secrecy. All of the women chose secrecy because certain 
expectations were placed on them as Indian girls in the family. 
As  girls  the  honour  of  the  family  name is  attached  to  their  sexual  purity.  They  are 
supposed  to  remain  chaste  until  married.  Therefore  the  movement  of  single  girls  in  the 
community is severely policed especially after their first menstrual cycle. To avoid the threat of 
premarital sex and pregnancy homosocialisation is encouraged. Incidentally in this case silence 
and honour served to assist the girls in meeting their lovers. They were all able to maintain that 
the  relationship  was just  a  friendship.  In  the  case  of  Jameela  and Preeti  the  parents  easily 
believed the lies they were fed, even when Oshun tries to tell Preeti?s father about the true 
nature of their relationship he dismisses her claims as childish banter. They didn?t need to ?make 
breaks?93 to see their girlfriends. In fact their girlfriends had house permission albeit under the 
guise of ?friendship?. If anything was ?suspected? nothing was said. This silence allowed them to 
have unadulterated unlimited access to their lovers.  If in this instance honour and silence made 
it easier to pursue their relationships it was also these very concepts that constrained and muted 
their love and life.
 Because of notions such as family honour and respectability, they were constantly aware 
and worried about people talking, what would people say if their sexual transgressions became 
public knowledge? And in fact what seemed to be the greater concern was the family reaction to 
the news. As Indian girls they were supposed to be respectable and follow their parent?s wishes, 
even if it conflicted with their own ? because your parents know what is best for you94.  As noted 
93
 9
  Slang for having a secret space, time alone together away from prying eyes. 
94
 9
  See Suparna Bhaskaran 2004, Made In India: Decolonizations, Queer Sexualities, Trans/National Projects
 89
by Kirtsoglou (2002:20) the position of the family in the social arena is dependent on whether or 
not  they  can  preserve  their  reputation  in  the  eyes  of  the  community.  Therefore  any  social 
transgression reflects negatively on the family name. All of the women experienced a tension 
between what was expected of them (compliance with the collective) and the lives they wanted 
to lead as autonomous individuals95. 
Gender Dynamics: Roles and Responsibilities  
As  women  they  were  expected  to  get  married  and  have  babies,  this  was  their  ?life  plan? 
according to their parents and community. Jameela tried to conform but decided it would be 
living a lie. All of the women had relationships with men at some point or another in their lives, 
but either something was ?missing? from the relationship or it was their attempt at trying to lead 
a ?normal life?. The pressure to conform and maintain the status quo is enormous96. Jameela and 
Preeti?s  early  loves  (as  well  as  some of  their  later  ones)  buckled under  this  pressure.  They 
wanted to remain quiet about their ?indiscretions? and they wanted to move on to normalcy i.e. 
a heterosexual marriage. Vaneshree also experienced self-doubt about her sexuality but this was 
largely due to her lover?s indiscretions.  
95
 9
  For  an excellent  account  on this tension that  exists  particularly  for  WLW in the Indian community  see Maya 
Sharma?s book Loving Women: Being Lesbian in Underprivileged India (2006). 
96
 9
  See Maya Sharma,  2006, Loving Women: Being Lesbian in Underprivileged India 
90
Leaving Home: Personal Agency, Social and Financial Independence
 Jameela, Vaneshree and Preeti were aware of the contradictions that exist in our society. They 
were told that they should get married, yet it seemed that people around them were unhappily 
married. As girls and then as women they witnessed firsthand how boys and men are ?favoured? 
over women. Jameela noticed this  early on, she saw what was expected of women and she 
watched her sisters being forced into marriages which left them severely traumatised. Preeti saw 
how he brothers received preferential treatment over her and her sisters. Vaneshree saw how 
people can be constrained and restrained by culture and tradition. Seeing these cracks in the 
system made it easier for them to seize their personal autonomy. They all believed that their 
happiness matters.  This  is  a  powerful  realisation for any person to come to,  particularly  for 
women the obliged care-givers in our society.  
For Jameela the main battle was not finding a space for her sexuality, it was finding a 
way to become socially and financially independent. She wanted to study and she wanted to 
leave home because she felt that her political and social growth was restricted by the insular 
environment of Marabastad. Vaneshree too wanted to explore life away from her parents and 
Durban?s  conservative  Indian  community.  Vaneshree,  Jameela  and  Preeti  were  aware  that 
becoming financially and socially independent, particularly of men, meant that you would be an 
autonomous individual. You would be able to make your own choices as Vaneshree stated, ?you 
decide where and with whom you sleep tonight.? All of the women opted to attend universities 
away from home intentionally.
 All of the women saw education as the key to empowering themselves. They wanted to 
become professional women capable of looking after themselves. Education with the intention 
91
of becoming a professional such as a doctor, lawyer or accountant is considered prestigious in 
the Indian community.  Therefore by going to university they were earning themselves social 
capital and status in the community. Rather than leave to be gay, they left home to get educated. 
This was a struggle that people in the community could relate to. However getting educated was 
not easy. Jameela had to do so without her parent?s approval because her father didn?t think 
that a girl needed to be educated. He eventually changed his stance once he realised that she 
was a successful lawyer and someone he could be proud of. 
 Therefore while sexuality was not their primary motivating factor for leaving home, they 
understood that being away from home and getting educated would enable them to be agents 
in  their  lives.  Social  and  financial  independence  meant  that  they  would  be  able  to  live 
uninhibited97 as WLW.   However being an educated independent woman, does not alleviate 
societal pressure to get married. As noted earlier marriage is an important institution to the 
Indian community,  every adult  must get  married.  Living away from home definitely  made it 
easier for them to live their lives relatively free from parental interference, but at some point 
they would have to go home and deal with questions relating to their sexuality. At some time the 
news about their sexual orientation would have to come out.  
In the following section I will discuss each woman?s coming out process. I wanted to 
know how they disclosed their sexuality to those around them. Did they do so explicitly? Or did 
their sexuality gradually become common knowledge? These were some of the questions I asked 
them.  Following  from the  previous  section  if  their  first  sexual  experience  was  the  catalyst 
bringing them closer to a gay or lesbian identity, then the coming out process is when they 
publicly claim that identity to explain their sexual preference for women. These stories show that 
97
 9
  As one can be in a homophobic society 
92
sexual behaviours and sexual identities are varied. Although you might partake in homosexual 
behaviour this does not mean that you identify with a lesbian or homosexual identity
 THE PROCESS OF ?COMING OUT?
 Your Guide to Coming Out98a self-help booklet geared specifically at helping people involved in, 
or desiring to be in, same-sex relationships, defines the process as follows: 
        ?Coming out? is a term we use to describe the process of acknowledging our self-identification with a  
particular sexual orientation and disclosing this understanding and acceptance to other people. Such 
people could include close relatives, close friends, peers or even colleagues.99 
?Coming  out?  according  to  this  definition  entails  two  parts,  first  the  acknowledgement  for 
yourself, i.e. you have accepted desires and  identify with a particular sexual orientation. And 
secondly it entails disclosing your sexuality to those who are in your life. Vaneshree, Jameela and 
Preeti have all ?come out? in some form or another. First they ?came out? to themselves and then 
to  those  around  them.   As  noted  by  Eve  Kosofsky  Sedgwick  (1993)  in  her  seminal  work 
Epistemology of the Closet, even the most progressive people are to some extent in the closet. 
Sedgwick (1993) refers to homosexuality as the ?open secret? because the process of coming out 
is perpetual and in some instances it is strategic not to disclose your sexuality. Because of the 
monopoly that heterosexuality has on sexuality, homosexuality is always something that requires 
declaration.  My respondents do not hide their love but this was not always the case and getting 
to this point was an arduous process. Knowing that their love is taboo all of my respondents 
98
 9
  Published by The Durban Lesbian and Gay Community and Health Centre, Compiled by Jacques Livingston, 
Personal Counselling & Support Groups Project Coordinator. Emphasis my own
 99
 9
  Ibid. p4. 
93
were concerned about what people might say. They opted for silence and secrecy rather than 
disturb the status quo. Living away from home made it easier to live life independently of social 
and cultural constraints. 
Eventually  all  of  my  respondents  had  to  return  home  and  deal  with  questions  of 
marriage. As noted earlier marriage is seen as a rites of passage into adult hood in the Indian 
community.  Preeti,  Jameela  and  Vaneshree  could  not  remain  mute  about  their  same-sex 
relationships forever in some way, or another, their  sexual preferences for women would be 
revealed.  In this  section I  am going to discuss the ?coming out?  process as pertains to each 
individual. How did they come out to their families? How did their families come to know even if 
they didn?t tell  them? Such questions will  inform this  particular chapter.   This is about each 
woman?s arrival into society as a ?homosexual? and how those around them came to receive the 
news.  
I will also discuss some of the debates that have surfaced around the issue of ?coming 
out?  as  it  pertains  to  sexual  identity  and  identity  politics.  In  western  culture  the 
confessional/disclosure is seen as necessary for the healing/cathartic experience100. This is not 
always  the  case.  And  we  should  be  mindful  not  to  conflate  the  coming  out  experience  as 
necessarily  empancipatory.  It  does  much  in  terms  of  personal  engagements  in  that  now 
individuals are relating to the truth. But does the process of ?coming out? do much to challenge 
heterosexual hegemony or does in fact entrench this difference? 
100
 1
  Matti Bunzl, Queer Reading of Austrian (Homo)sexualities. P217.  
94
 
?Ma I have something to tell you? - Vaneshree?s Story
 A Suspicious Kind of Friendship: Homophobia and Racial Prejudice
 Vaneshree had no intention of ?coming out? to her mother in the manner she did but under the 
circumstances it was unavoidable. She and Fikile had finally settled into a place of their own, 
after being stranded for months, they were looking forward to some suburban bliss101. Having 
their  own space  meant  they  could  relate  freely  as  lovers  without  having  to  consider  other 
people?s reactions. Vaneshree calls this particular time ?the calm before the storm? which should 
give you a sense of the battle that was yet to transpire. Vaneshree?s mother, Durga comes to Jozi 
to care for her daughter after the accident. Immediately she is suspicious about the true nature 
of Vaneshree and Fikile?s friendship. 
My mother  was  confused by our  relationship.  She was  very  conservative  and she could  not 
understand how I was able to have such a close friendship with a Black woman. She knew I had a 
friend called Fikile but she wanted to know why are Fikile?s clothes packed in the same wardrobe 
as  mine? Why was  she wearing my jacket?  Why was she wearing my shoes? Why were we 
drinking out of the same cups? Why were we eating out of the same plates? Why do we feed 
each other? You know, why all these things, she wanted to know why and I didn?t have an answer. 
I said ma it?s just part of the friendship, it?s the convenience of friendship. The friendship was too 
intimate for my mother and my excuses did little to placate her, my mother was really getting 
curious. The deceit was also taking its toll on our relationship, because Fikile is very upfront about 
101
 1
  As a result of homophobia they were both asked to leave the places they were living in. not having much money 
at the time they moved around from one friends place to the next. A kind and caring senior nurse who was like a 
mother to the two (Vaneshree and Fikile) let them stay with her till they were able to stand on their own two feet. 
95
her sexuality. She found it difficult to keep up the fa?ade. Feeling the pressure I decided to tell my 
mother.
 Durga?s  line  of  questioning  revealed  her  concerns  which  were  twofold:  One  why  was  her 
daughter  so  physically  intimate  with  another  woman?  And  two  why  was  her  daughter  so 
intimate with a Black woman? It was clear that there something more than friendship between 
them. Fikile said that she was able to be patient because she understands how homophobia 
works to silence lesbians and their love. Fikile knows that it can be difficult for Black102 people to 
come out to their families because within these communities marriage is expected. Vaneshree 
believed that her not being able to talk about her sexuality openly was one of the factors that 
contributed to her previous relationship ending. She always felt the need to censor herself and 
disguise the true nature of the relationship. Considering Durga?s reaction I can understand why 
Vaneshree was hesitant. 
I said ?Ma, I have something to tell you?. She said ?what is it?? I said ?Fikile is not my friend.? I  
looked at her. ?What?? she said. I said ?Fikile is my girlfriend? and my mother being the kind of 
person that she is she said ?Ja, she?s your  girl103 and she?s your friend.? and I say ?Ma she?s my 
girlfriend as if I was a, had a boyfriend, I am gay.? 
Vaneshree?s mum was in a state of denial, even though it was clear that there was something 
more than friendship between them, it was easier for her to believe that Fikile was the maid. 
The thought that Fikile could be her daughter?s lover was too much for her to bear. Not only was 
her daughter dating a woman, but a Black woman.    Durga had heard about this thing called 
102
 1
  Indian, Coloured and Black. 
103
 1
  Derogatory term used for domestic help. Black women are ?girls? diminutives never equal
 96
?gail? on TV but it was far removed from her immediate reality. In Durga?s eyes this was unnatural 
and wrong, she couldn?t understand why Vaneshree would choose to live a gay life. Feeling as if 
she was being punished for some wrong doing, Durga kept asking Vaneshree ?why are you doing 
this to me?? In one moment her entire world changed. Her dreams of grandchildren and a nice 
doctor son-in-law were shattered by this revelation. Her daughter was going against her, their 
culture and traditions.  
What will people say? It only matters if you let it: Family Relations
  Given her mother?s reaction it was clear that Vaneshree?s sexuality had social implications. Her 
sexuality was a reflection on her character/morality and that of the family unit as a whole. Durga 
saw Vaneshree?s sexual transgression as a negative reflection on herself. How would she explain 
her daughter?s lesbianism to the family?   Petrified that others might find out, Durga, made 
Vaneshree, promise not to tell any of their family that she is gay. She also made it clear that if 
Vaneshree ever  appeared on TV or  in  the  paper talking  about  being  gay/gail  she would  be 
disowned.  Mother and daughter were not able to simmer down the tempers and communicate. 
According  to  Vaneshree  the  two  of  them  have  never  enjoyed  a  particularly  warm 
relationship. Vaneshree always felt closer to her father who was more caring and tender towards 
her. Therefore Vaneshree?s ?coming out? made an already difficult relationship harder. Preeti and 
Jameela had similar experiences to Vaneshree in this regard.  If they had good relationships with 
those in their lives then disclosing their sexuality did not break those relations, instead it was 
just another issue that the family as a unit would engage with. The difficult part about ?coming 
97
out? is that you are ?coming out? as different; different from the naturalised sexuality, different 
from those around you104. 
Fikile  and Vaneshree both see coming out  as  an achievement.  Fikile  says  that  what 
usually happens with gay people is that we always refer to our partners as ?friends? when we 
relate to our families. And it is this silence which is destructive to one?s personal well-being and 
relationships. According to Fikile it gives more psychological relief when we are all relating to the 
truth,  rather than perpetuating a lie.  How one loves,  or who one chooses to be with,  is an 
important aspect of a person?s life, therefore by continuing to live secretly you exclude people 
from a large part of your life. The couple felt that if Durga really wanted to know her daughter 
she needed to know that Fikile was Vaneshree?s life partner.   
To avoid social scandal and people asking questions Durga lives at the couple?s house 
when she visits Johannesburg. When on a return visit to eGoli, Durga stayed at her sister?s place 
instead  of  Vaneshree?s,  her  actions  roused  suspicion  amongst  her  family  members.  Maliga 
(Durga?s sister) wanted to know why she wasn?t staying with Vaneshree and if something was the 
matter? Durga decided that in future to avoid dealing with such questions she would stay at 
Vaneshree?s. Rather than disclose Vaneshree?s sexuality to her family, it was easier for her to live 
with it, literally.  The contradiction here is that Durga?s denial of their relationship (to her family) 
has forced her to engage with their relationship by living with them. 
104
 1
  See Gayle S. Rubin, ? Thinking Sex: Notes for a Radical Theory of the Politics of Sexuality? in The Lesbian and Gay  
Studies  Reader.  1993.  NY:  Routledge.  And  Vasu  Reddy?s  ?Institutionalizing  Sexuality:  Theorizing  Queer  in  Post-
 Apartheid South Africa? in The Greatest Taboo: Homosexuality in Black Communities ed by Delroy Constantine-Simms, 
2000, NY: alyson books
 98
Vaneshree has tried to broach the topic of her sexuality with her mother on another occasion. 
She and Fikile along with a few other LGBTQI activists appeared on a TV discussion programme 
called ?The Big Question?.  The discussion was on lesbians and gays and religious perspectives of 
marriage.  Vaneshree phoned her mother to tell her that she was going to be on TV and that she 
should watch.  That day it hit home for Durga that her daughter was a publicly out and proud 
lesbian. The fact that her mother cannot accept her life bothers Vaneshree and it is clear she 
felts ambivalent almost indifferent towards her extended family. 
 ?Was I closeted? Well I wasn?t closeted with my friends but I never said it. And no one  
asked.?  - Jameela?s Story
 Homosexuality in the Struggle
 Jameela left Marabastad to broaden her horizons. As she stated she left home to get a political 
as well  as scholarly education. She enrolled to study a BA Law degree and got involved with 
student politics. She joined the United Democratic Front (UDF) and it is within this organisation 
that her political awareness and activism grew. This was the first time Jameela felt as if  she 
belonged to something powerful. She found many like minds in the UDF, it was here that she had 
found her community. Jameela met people that related to her Black Consciousness philosophy. 
For Jameela her comrades were her family of the 1980?s, and while the struggle environment 
was  subversive  with  regards  to  racial  politics  in  terms  of  gender  and  sexual  politics  the 
99
environment was conservative105.  It was difficult if not almost impossible for many activists to 
come out as gay in the movement. 
There  were comrades challenging  heteronormativity  but  on the whole  sexuality  and 
particularly homosexuality was not discussed within liberation movement. Your same-sex desires 
or homosexuality was something that could be used against you in the movement. The security 
forces would threaten people with blackmail and get them to become  impimpi?s for the state 
because of  their  sexuality106.  Therefore  when sexuality  was discussed  within  the  movement 
many adopted a ?reactionary? stance. The ?homosexual? was seen to be counter-revolutionary. 
The politics of the liberation movement thrust one aspect of identity into the forefront, 
arguably this was needed to represent unity in struggle however, we, cannot ignore how issues 
of race, gender, class, sexuality and religion intersect107. Therefore within the struggle issues of 
gender, race, class and sexuality were sidelined because it was believed that if we engage with 
the inherent diversities of people the notion of unity might be compromised. In actual fact it is 
the opposite, if we continue to view people and places as homogenous and fixed we are likely to 
infringe  on  personal  freedoms,  and  provide  the  ammunition  for  practices  such  as  ethnic 
cleansing as we demarcate and classify for political gain. 
Now how did I see myself then? I think I definitely saw myself as gay there?s no question about 
that. Though there was a question of what kind of gay person I would be. Was I closeted? Well I 
105
 1
  See Simon Nkoli and other Black gay activist writing that tackle this issue of homophobia within the liberation 
movement in the books Defiant Desire and The Invisible Ghetto: Gay and Lesbian Writings in South Africa.
 106
 1
  An ex ANC cadre who I spoke recently informed me that the head of his cell was gay and everyone knew but no 
one said anything, which made it difficult for the guy and he would suffer from bouts of depression because he 
couldn?t deal with his activism and homosexuality. He never allowed himself to act on his same-sex desires. 
107
 1
  See Amin Maalouf On Identiy, 2000, and Amartya Sen Identity and Violence: The Illusion of Destiny, 2004  
100
wasn?t closeted with my friends but I never said it. And no one asked. Because we were activists 
together and no one really tackled the sexuality issue. 
According to Reid and Morgan ?A central dilemma of homosexuality in Africa is the assertion of 
an individual desire at the expense of collective, communal well-being.?108 I  suggest that this 
dilemma is present for any individual who feels aligned to a number different of communities. 
Black activists were faced with the dilemma of prioritising one identity over another109 . Activists 
had to choose between being freedom fighters and being gay.  By viewing homosexuality as a 
phenomenon foreign to Black culture(s), issues of heteronormativity within the movement and 
broader  South  African  society  were  ignored.  For  the  greater  good  of  the  ?cause?,  which 
manifested as the political liberation of the country from White rule,  issues such as gender, 
sexuality, and class equity were sidelined. Jameela sees herself as an activist before a WLW as a 
result she had great difficulty in reconciling these aspects of her identity.
 Testing Sexuality
 Jameela felt as if she had to choose between two mutually exclusive choices; being gay or being 
an activist, this led her to test her sexuality with men. 
108
 1
  Reid, G and Morgan R. ??I?ve got two men and one woman?: ancestors, sexuality and identity among same-sex 
identified women traditional healers in South Africa?. Culture, Health & Sexuality, Sep?Oct 2003 vol . 5 no 5 375?391. 
p386. As well as Gevisser, 1999, ?Homosexuality in Africa. An interpretation and overview of homosexuality in both 
traditional and modern African societies.? In K. A. Appiah and H. L. Gates (eds) Africana: The Encyclopedia of the  
African and African American Experience.
 109
 1
  For more see Hein Kleinbooi ?Identity Crossfire: On being a Black  gay student activist?. Feminist lesbians of colour 
such as bell hooks and Audre Lorde have also discussed this dilemma. 
101
There wasn?t a space, which allowed me to be an activist and gay at the same time. You know I 
was most despondent about that issue and I would test my own sexuality. And I?d say oh well 
here?s a man that?s interested in me let me see if that works, and real test is when you in bed, 
because when you expect this woman body and there?s a man body, and you try and you try and 
you say, for me it was very clear I want to be somewhere else. It was not a test to deny my 
sexuality, it was a test to affirm it.  Can I accept that I?m different and continue to live with my 
difference, which I accepted a long time ago but the, bearing of that difference, how I bear it in 
life, can I continue doing this? Can I assimilate into mainstream? So I would test it, and I, think the 
guys were very hurt and very offended. 
Jameela tries to assimilate and adopt heterosexuality but she is unable to do so successfully. She 
tries to be with men but the real test for her is in bed, when she expects ?a woman body and 
there?s a man body?. Jameela tests her sexuality because she was not sure if she could continue 
to bear this difference eternally. Was being gay worth all the drama? If there was another way, a 
?better way? she might as well try it.  
Gradually I allowed myself to assert my sexuality, without apologising for it. So the people that I 
worked very closely with had begun to understand that I was gay, I didn?t have to tell them.
 Jameela began to feel comfortable enough to express her sexuality freely with those closest to 
her. She did not advertise her sexuality nor did she hide her same-sex shamefully. When you 
know someone it includes the sum of their parts, you cannot be selective with the details, this is 
who they are. In activist circles those who were a part of Jameela?s life understood that she 
loved women. With her family the situation was more complex. After living in Cape Town for 
many years she returns to Johannesburg. Jameela says that being away from home definitely 
102
made living an openly gay life easy. Away from home she didn?t have to engage with the family 
or community expectations and coming back home she was once again faced with the fact that 
she was living a life different from the norm. 
According to Jameela her father?s death liberates the women in her family. They no longer have 
to live their lives according her father?s wishes. Jameela?s father was not an autocrat but was in 
fact confined by cultural practices. Her father did was he was supposed to do, whereas Jameela 
challenged societal precepts and this resulted in conflict between the two of them. In the end it 
was clear that her father was proud of her. Jameela was successful in her life, therefore he felt 
that the ?the apple had not fallen too far from the tree?.  
Jameela doesn?t ?come out? to her family in so many words but they know and she didn?t 
have to tell them.  Jameela is able to talk candidly about her sexuality and relationships with her 
younger siblings; in fact her younger brother Feroz is also gay. Her mother knows about her 
sexuality without having to be told. She asks her other children about Jameela?s relationships, 
and if she is in the ?know? she informs the others that ?Jameela is seeing so and so?. That is her 
way of showing her daughter that she knows, understands and supports her life.
 ?When I called to tell her, she said she always knew? 
Preeti?s Story
 Although she moved to Johannesburg to open up her dentist practice, Preeti said she knew on 
some subconscious level, that moving away from home would make it easier for her to live her 
sexuality freely. Living in Jozi she could avoid prying aunties? questions as to why she still was not 
103
married.  Preeti  came from a  rich  high caste  Gujerati  family  and  it  seems that  there  was a 
proposal waiting for her at every corner. 
Although her sisters suspected that she could be gay they said nothing. Her sisters come 
to  know  about  her  sexuality  without  having  to  be  told  in  so  many  words.  They  are  very 
supportive because they just want Preeti to find love and be happy.  Her father finds out about 
her ?homosexuality? from his other daughters. He dismisses it as a ?phase? she is going through, 
an attempt for attention. Preeti calls her biological mother in Australia and ?comes out? to her. 
Her mother says that she always knew that Preeti was gay, from the time she was a little girl. 
Preeti is relieved by her mother?s disclosure and for a change she does not feel alone. Preeti felt 
that some knew who she really was. Her mother always knew, and she didn?t love Preeti any less 
because of it. The mother is able to give the child peace. 
The Politics of ?Coming Out? ? A Comparative Analysis 
The Various Ways/Degrees of Being? Out? 
All of the women interviewed have ?come out? in some form or another. They are all comfortable 
with their same-sex desires. They do not try and hide their sexual orientation but as noted by 
Eve Kosofsky Sedgewick all gays and lesbians (even the most progressive) are to some extent 
intentionally in the closet for political, social or economic reasons.  Being strategic about your 
sexuality means that sometimes you reveal your sexuality and other times you do not. Jameela 
did not feel that she had the space to talk about her sexuality within the anti-Apartheid political 
movement of the 1970?s; there was pressure from the state and from ones comrades to remain 
secretive about same-sex desires. Because these relationships have been silenced they appear 
104
invisible and this leads people to make such uninformed statements such as there are no Indian 
lesbians. 
No longer looking for external approval they gradually all come to accept their same-sex 
desires.  Feeling  ?unapologetic?  for  their  same-sex  desires  gave  them the  mental  resolve  to 
disclose  their  sexuality  to  their  families.  Because  sexuality  is  a  social  relation,  they  all  felt 
answerable to their families and communities with whom they felt aligned. Communities such as 
family units usually have members who have a shared status/experience of race, ethnic, gender 
and/or religion affiliations110. Therefore when you come out as gay, this is an identity you will 
experience separate from the members in your family.  Hence coming out to one?s family can be 
traumatic because it marks you separate from them. 
Maintaining Family Relations: Negotiating Difference
 Those who had good relationships with their families were able to negotiate and explain their 
sexual  difference  to  their  loved  ones.  Jameela?s  family  realise  that  they  have  to  allow  for 
differences if they wanted to maintain their relationship her. According to Jameela?s mother a 
tree without its roots has no foundation, rather than disown her daughter she was willing to 
accept that there is more than one way to love. 
Out of respect for their families or by request they do not express their sexualities out in 
the  open.  Sexuality  is  considered  a  private  affair,  and  more  so  when  it  is  in  apparent 
contravention with the ?natural? law as ?homosexuals? are. Vaneshree?s mother warns her that if 
she wants to be ?gail? it must be privately, she must never declare her sexuality publicly. As noted 
by  Matti  Bunzl  homosexuality  is  acceptable  until  you  want  the  same  rights  and  privileges 
110
 1
  See Amin Maalouf, On Identity.  English Translation, Barbara Bray, 2000. The Harvill Press: London
 105
afforded to heterosexuals111.  Jameela chooses not to impose her sexuality on her family. She 
talks about her sexuality comfortably with her younger siblings but she feels less at ease with her 
older siblings. Although the forum is open if she wishes talk, she chooses not to because she has 
gotten used to keeping her private life, private. As a family unit they?ve learnt to accommodate 
difference rather than try to change the person. They give each other the space to be.  This 
sense  of  neighbourliness,  cosmopolitanism  or  just  general  good  manners  is  what  keeps 
communities together. You don?t impose on people and they will return the favour, you find an 
acceptable compromise112. 
 Vaneshree?s mother can?t accept her daughter?s life and partner.  They have always had 
a  strained  relationship  and  currently  they  still  relate  with  anger  but  their  relationship  is 
improving. There is a lot of emotional baggage that goes with relationships, especially life long 
ones forged not by ?choice?.  It is difficult for Durga to disown her daughter even if Vaneshree is 
going against her wishes in such a serious domain. To avoid social scandal and keep ties with her 
last living relative, Durga continues to communicate with Vaneshree. 
For Preeti what is important to her is creating a peaceful life without the drama and the 
anger she has grown accustomed to.  Preeti is dealing with the troubles she experienced in her 
early years as a result her sexual orientation has given her little anxiety. She knew that her love 
was taboo but this is where she found sanctity amidst the chaos that was home. Like Jameela 
she doesn?t hide her sexuality nor does she make it a public affair. For Preeti and Jameela their 
sisters are the first people who support them in their life?s choices because they felt solidarity to 
their struggles. 
111
 1
  Matti Bunzl, Queer Reading of Austrian (Homo)sexualities. P217.
 112
 1
  For example if your neighbour has a party till late with loud music you never complain even if you might be 
slightly annoyed because next time you will be the one having the party and your neighbour will give you the space to 
be. 
106
 The process of coming out is seen as a huge part of one?s self-actualisation as a ?gay? 
person in society. Coming out signifies your entry or induction into the broader ?gay community? 
real or imagined, which you may or may not feel aligned to depending on your personal sexual 
politics.   Whether you actively participate in the gay community or not, if  you ?come out? it 
means that you identify with a group, it is an identity, a sexual identity and by extension a social 
relation. In the following section I will discuss each woman?s personal sexual identity i.e. what 
label if any do they use to describe their sexuality. 
I came into the world imbued with the will to find a meaning in 
things, my spirit filled with the desire to attain to the source of the 
world, and then I found that I was an object in the midst of other 
objects. - Franz Fanon, Black Skins White Masks 
SEXUALITY AND SEXUAL IDENTITY 
According to Jeffrey Weeks (1991:11) historians of sexuality seek to ?understand the evolution and 
effects  of  historical  interventions  on  individual  erotic  behaviour?.  This  means  that  our 
understanding of what we consider to be a ?sexual act? and what is considered ?appropriate? and 
?inappropriate?  sexuality  has  a  historical  context113.  You could  include Foucault  as  he  was the 
precursor in this style of argument. There are histories of sexualities, some written and some are 
not. 
Sexuality is about politics, a product of its time and its social institutions. Sexuality is a 
narration of the body (bodily acts) in relation to the state, dominant economic models and now 
113
 1
  Foucault,  M.  The History of Sexuality:  Volume 1;  An Introduction, 1976,  translated from the French by Alan 
Sheridan-Smith. Penguin/Tavistock Publications
 107
more than ever global politics. Sexuality speaks to/about the family and the nation, intersecting 
and contradicting with issues of gender, class and race. Sexuality is about minority and majority 
politics, us and them, the foreigner and the native, power and intimacy. Sexual object choice has 
come  to  mean  identity.  Privately  public,  who  we  choose  to  love,  fuck  or  have  sex  with  is 
scrutinised to ascertain what type we are. What about the social context? Does it not play a more 
significant role than the state in policing sexual activity? Are the politics of sexuality limited to the 
relationship between the individual and the state? It is true that the state will pass laws about 
what is permissible or not but how far does this extend?
 In this section I will discuss how each woman identifies with their sexuality i.e. how do they call 
themselves? What is their personal understanding of their sexuality and sexual politics and how 
does this intersect with current debates on same-sexuality in the country?  Such questions will 
inform  this  section.  Each  woman  has  their  own  perspective  on  sexuality,  however  what  is 
common between them, is that, they resist classification.  According Amin Maalouf, with regards 
to  identity  we  experience  and  enjoy  ?allegiances  of  different  strengths  but  none  are 
insignificant?114. Preeti, Jameela and Vaneshree all assert that they are, and will always be, more 
than  their  sexual  orientation.  Departing  from the  structure  of  the  previous  sections,  in  the 
following  section  I  will  start  with  the  overarching  theme or  question  and  incorporate  their 
stories. 
What?s in a Name? Women talking about their sexual identity
 114
 1
  Maalouf, A. On Identity, 2000. P76. 
108
As noted before none of the women see their sexuality as the sole determining factor in their 
lives. When I asked Jameela how she describes her sexuality this is how she answered. 
I would call myself a lesbian only if you pushed me to describe myself in terms of sexuality. But if 
you ask me to describe myself to you it wouldn?t be the 1st thing. I don?t sleep with men I sleep 
with women. And I enjoy my relationships with women and I feel closer to women. But if you 
wanna describe me beyond that. I don?t see my sexuality as overwhelmingly describing me. 
Jameela will call herself a lesbian but only if she is forced to, her sexuality is not her primary 
point of identification. She calls herself a ?lesbian? because she is a WLW; and women are her 
primary sources of reference and refuge in this world. She calls herself ?lesbian? because she has 
sex with women, and she likes how their bodies feel. But if you wanted to describe her as a 
person you would have to dig deeper because her lesbianism is only one aspect of who she is. 
How one views their sexuality is tied to their personal politics. 
  Vaneshree views her sexuality as a site for political resistance, by actively challenging 
heterosexual hegemony and gender conformity. She identifies with the feminist vision of lesbian. 
Fikile, given her LGBTQI activist background has exposed Vaneshree to sexual activism and sexual 
theory. Vaneshree is the only one who uses the term ?homophobia? which signifies a familiarity 
with LGBTQI discourse. In fact my first interview with her was held at the Equality Project, a 
LGBTQI organisation where Fikile worked at. Vaneshree does not identify with the label queer. 
Although she understands the political usage of the word queer in LGBTQI discourse, she does 
not identify with that label as it conflicts with her feminist views115. Vaneshree sees herself as a 
woman  and  she  is  aware  of  the  difficulties  that  women  face  when  they  try  and  express 
115
 1
  Queer seeks to challenge the binaries that are heterosexual and homosexual however this far reaching 
perspective does not suit everyone, especially not the feminists, who view certain sexual subcultures as antagonistic 
to their gender politics. In this regard the BDSM community has come under attack for perpetuating the eroticisation 
of unequal gender roles even if the sex is consensual. 
109
themselves  and  their  sexuality  free  from  men.  For  Vaneshree  the  queer  banner  doesn?t 
adequately address the inequalities that exist between the genders. Although Vaneshree has a 
strong lesbian identity she says that she is definitely more than her sexuality. She sees herself as 
a cultural being, looking to find ways of relating to her culture, tradition and religion in a manner 
that doesn?t require her to denounce her lesbianism. 
Preeti hasn?t deconstructed and analysed her sexuality in the manner that Vaneshree 
and Jameela have. She did at some point question the morality of her desires but those were 
fleeting doubts, ultimately she just went with what felt good. Preeti sees herself as a woman but 
she is not willing call herself lesbian. She would describe herself that way if she had to but she 
does not ?call? herself anything. In our interviews she referred to herself as gay. According to 
Preeti if it was not for me and my research she would not have thought about her sexuality to 
this extent. She says that when she became comfortable with her sexuality it no longer occupied 
her headspace. 
Personal Politics
 Jameela feels that sexuality alone is not enough for her to feel connected to a person. Whenever 
she has gone to ?lesbian spaces?116 she usually  finds that  she has little  in  common with the 
predominantly White crowd. In fact all of my respondents myself included have felt like outsiders 
at predominantly White girl parties (such as the Playground) in the suburbs of Johannesburg. 
For  all  three women most  socialising  is  done with  friends in  their  houses,  their  friends  are 
?straight?,  ?bisexual?,  ?lesbian?  or  ?undefined?.  Over  the years  Jameela  has  been involved with 
many  women,  some identified as  lesbian and  some did  not,  some even  continued to  have 
116
 1
  Gay clubs and lesbian parties. 
110
relationships with men. Therefore for Jameela ?sexuality occupies that blurry area which is more 
than just sex? and we should resist placing people in neat boxes when life is far more complex 
and nuanced. 
One  of  Jameela?s  driving  forces  was  the  pursuit  of  education.  She  knew  that  by 
educating  herself  she  would  equip  herself  with  the  necessary  skills  to  be  an  independent 
woman. She was so determined to study that she would have ?stopped being gay? if it meant 
that she could attend university. For Jameela her personal117 and political struggles were bigger 
than the quest for sexual freedom. If people are products of their time then one can understand 
why Jameela adopts this particular stance. Jameela was witness to many inequalities, and it was 
these injustices that planted the seeds of her political activism. Her understanding of politics or 
what is political is largely influence by her involved with UDF. The liberation movement rhetoric 
largely and wholly ignored issues of sexuality118 and other matters of social importance (such as 
gender  equity)  to  present  a  cohesive  and  consistent  front  of  resistance.  Therefore  Jameela 
separates  her  politics  from her  sexuality.  If  identity  is  related  to  community,  then  one  can 
understand why Jameela?s sexuality identity is not at the forefront of her personal identity119. 
She was not able to disclose her sexuality to her community of comrades.  
I don?t wear my sexuality on my sleeve because I think that?s primarily a private choice, with 
social consequences which I will fight for and which I have, I?ve put my time and energy fighting 
117
 1
  Jameela has struggled with various aspects of her identity and sexuality is just one aspect of her constantly 
changing rearranging sense of self in this world. For example when she was a teenager she denounced the category of 
Indian and saw herself as South African Black, in accordance with BCM ideals. Now the definition of Black is different 
and continues to change. 
118
 1
  Nkoli, S, ?Coming out as a Black gay activist in South Africa in Defiant Desire,  Eds. Gevisser, M. & Cameron, E, 
1994, Braamfontein: Raven Press 
119
 1
  Amin Maalouf. On Identity, 2000. 
111
for rights for people like myself and people who choose to be gay, and who can?t be anything but 
gay or who are Black or who are foreign.
 Jameela doesn?t advertise her sexuality it something you enjoy quietly and privately it is not for 
public  consumption.  She  does  not  feel  as  if  she  should  explain  her  love  to  her  world; 
heterosexuals don?t have to so why should she? However Jameela is well aware that sexuality 
has social  consequences.  This  is  why although sexual  activism is  not at  the forefront of  her 
struggle, she is willing to fight for the rights of people who experience abuse as a direct result of 
their sexual orientation. 
Jameela is a member of mainstream society socially and economically which is one of 
reasons why she feels that sexuality is not a battle which dominates her life. She is able to live a 
life of her own making, and she worked hard to ensure that. If she was a financially unstable 
lesbian she would be on the margins of society experiencing the full brunt of homophobia and 
misogyny,  but  being middle  class  she considers  herself  mainstream. This  is  because without 
material  wealth  all  you  have  is  your  social  capital,120 therefore  if  you  are  ostracised  and 
unsupported by your community you are likely to face brutality121. This does not detract from 
the homophobia or misogyny that lesbian women face in general, this is just to highlight the fact 
120
 1
  Your standing in the community and your relationship with your peers. 
121
 1
  See Zanele Muholi?s visual exhibition The Rose has Thorns. This work which is part of the overarching anti hate 
crime campaign documents the hostlities and abuse encountered by Black lesbians living in the locations who have 
experienced violence because of their sexuality. Because of limited resources, often Black lesbians find little recourse 
in the law, many women continue to live amongst their rapists with no protection. Most recently a 19 year old Black 
lesbian was beaten to death eKhayelitsha by a mob of men because she was accused of being u ?stabane? a derogatory 
term for lesbian.  All of the women interviewed made sure they were financially independent, this enabled them to 
move away and create their own communities. 
112
that  we  all  occupy  varying  positions  of  power  in  any  given  setting122,  and  that  often  it  is 
impoverished lesbians who experience homophobia at its worst123. 
CONCLUSION
 Tracing the historically trajectory of homosexuality in South Africa we can see how homophobia 
has  become  entrenched  in  the  national  culture  and  psyche.   While  same-sex  relationships 
existed in Southern Africa before the arrival of the White man most historical accounts view 
homosexuality as a White import. When one could argue that the real import is homophobia. 
122
 1
  Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider
 123
 1
  See Zanele Muholi?s article on how the legal system and LGBTQI organisations fail to make a difference in the lives 
of poor and working class lesbians. http://www.few.org.za/News/Nobody.htm
 113
Under the Apartheid regime homosexuality is only considered an issue when it ?afflicted? White 
men. If  Black men were exhibiting ?homosexual  behaviour? the state did not care because it 
meant  that  their  White  women were safe  from a  virile  Black  sexuality.  When sexuality  was 
written about by those challenging the system their all consuming Marxist stance rendered all 
forms of same-sex love a sickness resulting from the racialised capitalist system, Apartheid. 
If the country was separated along racial lines so was the LGBTQI movement. White gays 
felt pressure from the state and they were careful not to align themselves with any revolutionary 
factions124. On the other end it was difficult for Black people to come out as gay especially if they 
were political activists. Being gay was considered counter revolutionary. Black activists who were 
gay  and  other  gays  and  lesbians  in  the  townships  banded  together  to  form  their  own 
organisations that would adequately address the issues that they faced. Still today it is evident 
that there is split in the LGBTQI movement along colour lines. Therefore because of the history 
of the LGBTQI movement which is inextricably linked to the history of our country many Indian, 
Coloured and Black women do not feel aligned to the LGBTQI movement in Johannesburg, and 
especially so if they are working class125. Although under our current political dispensation your 
right to freedom of sexual orientation is entrenched legally, many WLW do not feel those gains. 
There is great societal pressure to conform to gender and sexual norms, this is especially true in 
the Indian community where great emphasis is placed on marriage as a rites of passage. 
As  a  result  of  the  Group  Areas  Act  of  1950  the  landscape  was  reorganised  racially 
creating insular ethnic enclaves away from the vibrancy of the city centre. Spaces such as Lenasia 
in the then Transvaal was constructed as an Indian area. The space was defined as Indian, and in 
124
 1
  In fact in what has become quite a notorious and embarrassing story for the Kevan Botha, a leading LGBTQI 
activist, he at one point wrote a letter denouncing the political activities of Simon Nkoli was in prison awaiting trial. He 
declared that Nkoli and the rest of the Delmas trialists were terrorists and that the gay movement South Africa did not 
want to be associated with Nkoli was a member of GASA.
 125
 1
  Although with the inception of organisations such FEW (For Empowerment of Women) who focus their attention 
to issues facing Black lesbians in the townships this one sidedness in the movement is being challenged 
114
turn Indian identity is tied to the space, as noted by Lefebvre, space gives meaning to people. 
This notion of Indians as a homogenous collective ignored the social differentiation amongst 
them (Ebr.-Vally,  2001:27),  and  propelled  one  possible  point  of  identity  affiliation  above  all 
others.  We come from a history where our movement has been restricted and space as well as 
sexuality is linked to race. 
Indians  are  constructed  as  fiercely  cultural  beings  with  linguistic  and  religious 
connections  to  the  sub-continent.  Notions  such  as  marriage,  honour,  and  respectability  are 
important  facets  of  Indian  identity.  Worrying  about  getting  people  talking,  due  to  your 
social/sexual  transgression  is  the  way  the  community  is  able  to  pressure  its  members  to 
conform. Sexual transgressions (such as a child out of wedlock) reflect badly on your family. The 
family which is unanswerable to the broader community has to account for your action, as you 
bring disrepute to the family name. Marriage is the only socially sanctioned space for women to 
express their sexuality, and usually it is tied to reproduction. Women are expected to know their 
place in the home.  
This thesis asked the question:  How do Indian WLW negotiate ?invisibility? and ?silence? and 
under what circumstances do they ?make? and live their lives? I wanted to inform myself in this 
regard because growing up in Lenasia I noticed that if you cannot read the signs, WLW were not 
visible.  This  is  very  different  from claiming that  there  are  no  Indian  lesbians,  instead I  was 
interested  in  the  societal  factors  at  play  that   renders  this  form  of  love  ?invisible?  on  the 
Johannesburg landscape. I wanted to know how Indian WLW able to circumnavigate the system 
carving out their own sexual spaces, given the taboo that exists around such relationships.
 Indian WLW do exist but many choose to live their sexualities outside of the public gaze, 
as transgressing social sex mores means dealing with negative vibrations from the community. 
115
Indian WLW who are socially  and economically  independent  are often inclined to  leave the 
township space to explore their sexuality in the city, away from their communities. This is not to 
say that sexuality is the sole reason for leaving the township but rather it is one of many factors 
encouraging the move. The family and community are able to exert less social pull outside of the 
geographic space called home. Women who conform to gender performances are able to pass as 
heterosexual, for those who appear ?butch? it is more difficult, as often gender performance is 
linked to perceptions of sexual orientation. All of the women interviewed were able to pass as 
straight; their heterosexuality is assumed unless they declare otherwise. Rather than transgress 
social norms publicly it is safer to do so privately and secretly. 
Speaking to the women about their first sexual thoughts and encounters shed light on 
many issues facing WLW. All had to engage with the all imposing heterosexuality present in our 
in  society.  Because  of  this  heteronormativity  they  all  felt  that  their  first  sexual  thought  or 
encounter with another girl or woman was ?wrong?. Even if sexuality is not a popular topic of 
discussion Preeti Jameela and Vaneshree all know ?right? sexuality from ?wrong? sexuality. When 
Jameela first thought about being with another girl she knew that what she was feelings was not 
mainstream sexuality and that she could face hostility if she expressed her desires publicly. They 
all thought about their sexuality and the implications of loving another woman in the society we 
live  in.  They  were  all  aware  of  their  sexuality  as  a  social  relation,  with  status.  They  were 
?different? and this ?difference? was not equal. 
 Preeti,  Jameela and Vaneshree all  felt  split  between what was expected of them as 
women and what they wanted to do. It was assumed that they would ideally marry middle class 
men of a similar age/race/religious group and with the intention of procreation. As ?good Indian 
girls? this was the life that was laid before them. But being critical they soon began to question 
societal precepts and they noticed the inherent contradictions that exist within the system and 
116
society. They saw that often marriage was not a blissful institution. Often people feel forced into 
their  respective roles  and responsibilities  as husband and wife  and this  leads  to  deceit  and 
discontent. People close to them (such as parents and siblings) were unhappy because they were 
not living lives on their own making. For Jameela, Vaneshree and Preeti the robotic existence of 
their mothers and aunts was a fate worse than death, they would take matters into their own 
hands and take charge of their destiny. 
But ensuring ones personal and therefore sexual autonomy is not an easy process. It was 
clear for each woman that because of the skewed gender relations between men and women in 
their families and communities, they would have leave home and acquire a skill, to ensure their 
social  and  financial  independence  from  their  fathers  and  future  husbands.  They  all  saw 
education as the key to freeing themselves from external control, be it familial or societal. In 
Jameela?s time few women received university education, Preeti who is younger was able to 
attend university despite the obstacles placed by her father, and Vaneshree who is the youngest 
had no problem getting to university. This shows the changing societal attitude with regards to 
?women?s work?. Leaving home to get educated was an acceptable compromise. A struggle the 
broader community could relate to. 
 Knowing that their desires ran in opposition to the norm they all strategise to mobilise 
silence for their protection. Preeti, Jameela and Vaneshree, decide not to disclose their sexuality 
immediately. They used silence to afford them the time and space to think about their sexuality 
without external premature intrusion. This silence offers a useful veil as they are able to ?move 
around? undetected. In our society where attraction is based on difference, Preeti, Jameela and 
Vaneshree were able to conduct their relations outside of the heteronormative view under the 
guise of ?friendship?126. It was socially acceptable for them to bring girls home and sleep in the 
126
 1
  As feminine women they were all able to pass as straight. 
117
same bed but this behaviour would never have been allowed with someone of the opposite sex. 
However because they experienced their relationships silently their early same-sex relationships 
were  nullified  and  non-existent  in  societal  eyes.  Considering  that  sexual  relations  are  social 
relations it is very difficult to exist in this state of silence, or not saying, because this very silence 
which is able to cocoon and protect their relationship, relegates their love to the realm of ?none 
existence?. By not talking about their relationships with their lovers and their family they nullified 
their valid and viable arrangement. Jameela and Fatima could not talk about their relationship, it 
was a ?given? that it would not work. It is easy to have a sexual and emotional relationship with a 
woman but it  is  far more difficult to ?come out as ?lesbian?, ?gay? or ?homosexual. Fatima felt 
pressure to conform to societal precepts and even if she knew that she loved Jameela she was 
not able to deviate from the path traced for her. 
What Vaneshree, Preeti and Jameela have in common is that they were able to come out 
and claim their sexual freedom. By coming out I mean that they were able to steer their own 
lives, they exercised their personal autonomy. Living in a society that places so much emphasis 
on ?appearing normal? (to maintain social status) they had to fight for their own rights because 
no one was going to do it for them. Gradually they became unapologetic about their sexuality 
and they disclose their sexuality in some form or another to those around them. They ?come 
out?127 to themselves and those around them, but always they are careful to be strategic about 
the contexts in which they disclose their sexuality. People are perpetually stepping outside of the 
closet because heterosexuality is assumed, in every new social situation they will be faced with 
the question ?to disclose or not to disclose??
 127
 1
   Defined as ?the process of acknowledging our self-identification with a particular sexual orientation and 
disclosing this understanding and acceptance to other people. Such people could include close relatives, close friends, 
peers or even colleagues.? Published by The Durban Lesbian and Gay Community and Health Centre, Compiled by 
Jacques Livingston, Personal Counselling & Support Groups Project Coordinator.
 118
 Preeti Vaneshree and Jameela are all ?out of the closet? in some way or another. Preeti 
did not have to tell her sisters they just knew. Preeti suspects that her older sister might have 
known from the time of her relationship with Oshun but they never discussed it. She ?comes out? 
to her mother in Australia, her mother says that she always knew. Vaneshree ?comes out? to her 
mother in a very dramatic fashion. Durga?s reaction is even more dramatic because she was 
totally winded by this frank talk. She didn?t even know the word gay. If relationships between 
people are good128 it was easier to bridge the gap of that difference, the view of ?she?s like that 
but  we  know her?.  This  is  also  evident  when we  see  how tolerant  society  is  of  the  sexual 
transgressions of pop stars. 
By  ignoring  the  fact  that  heterosexuality  is  deeply  ingrained  in  our  culture  and  its 
institutions we reduce sexuality to individual choice. As noted by all of my respondents, none of 
them chose to be gay they just were, also being gay ?is not all that they are about?. We are the 
sum and more of our parts. Instead of removing sexuality from those ?broader? issues we should 
be including perspectives that use the lens of sexuality as a tool for social analysis. It is important 
to acknowledge that not every WLW views sexuality as a site of resistance. Some people choose 
to  remain  undefined,  this  complicates  issues  of  visibility,  as  to  a  large  extent  visibility  is 
intrinsically  tied  to  notions  of  coming  out,  to  be  visible  implies  identification  with  some 
community. 
Sexuality is interpreted, understood and felt uniquely by each individual. I would say that 
sexuality  occupies a different space in the lives each of the women interviewed. We cannot 
begin to claim that we can understand all that is desire because the experience of life is to a 
degree, mystifying. However given that sexuality is a social relation we can try to understand 
issues of sexual identity. Jameela will call herself ?lesbian? if she is forced to choose. Preeti sees 
128
 1
  They understand each other, they can communicate, they have shared moments of intellectual, emotional 
together
 119
herself as ?gay? and Vaneshree will proudly say that she lesbian but don?t call her queer. They 
choose different labels because they have different politics. Jameela doesn?t view sexuality as 
her first point of reference or as a site of activism. Often sexual activism is dismissed as a middle 
class wile. Preeti does not see her sexuality as a political affair it is something done privately 
behind closed doors. Vaneshree sees herself as a sexual activist therefore she seeks to challenge 
heteronormativity, and being a proud and vocal lesbian is one way in which she challenges the 
system. 
 Sexuality is seen as something that is private yet it is clear that is far from that, publicly 
private, sexuality is everyone?s concern. People are willing to be tolerant [aware] and critical of 
racial issues due to the political climate we hail from, but seem rather unwilling to challenge the 
heterosexual hegemony that exists.  They were all adamant that there was more to them their 
sexuality, and this is the truth. To talk about their sexuality alone is to brush the surface of their 
lives because as much as they love women that is not their sole identifier. They identify with 
many struggles and allegiances. Therefore if we intend on challenging heteronormativity and all 
other social institutions which diminish and hinder the quality of living by restricting personal 
freedoms,  with  capitalist,  homophobic,  religious,  and  cultural  discourses,  we  must  resist 
homogenous  classification  and  seize  personal  autonomy.  Life  is  diverse  and  the  personal  is 
political. 
120
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